Why do I get so annoyed / upset when my boyfriend goes out

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Why do I get so annoyed / upset when my boyfriend goes out

Postby KelliB1984 » Tue Nov 04, 2014 6:22 pm

Me and my bf live together Nd we have 2 children from prev relationship, my daughter lives with us and his son comes every other weekend. We have been together for 2 years but I am extremely insecure and paranoid he's going to hurt me. He has never given me reason to think this and has never cheated on n e of his gf in the past but I have something in my head that tells me I think he is. He rarely goes out with friends but when he does we end up having an almighty row and he tells me he'll be in at a certain time but then don't show. We've tried to talk bout it and he says that when I go out he never asks what time I'll b In just asks me to b safe.
Believe me I hate being like this. I don't enjoy it at all. I wish that when he says oh babe ive been asked out I go ok babe have a great time but no me i row cry, shout and basically completely lose the plot. Nine times outta 10 I find im ok during the eve but as its getting later and later I think we'll why ain't u coming home to me. I'm 30 and my bf 34.
Please please trust me when I say I hate being like this I wish I had a button to turn off from this feeling as I hate it. I don't know why I'm like it. I am petrified of him leaving me as I idolise him. Please don't tell me I'm stupid I already know that but I wanna know if anyone else has ever felt like this xx

We had a talk other day and he has agreed that next time he goes out that he will keep to his side of bargain and let me know what time hell b in just so I know that he ain't gonna hurt me and I start to realise that.
He's spoke to me in past telling me I am woman for him and he wants to marry me one day but I know that'll never happen unless I sort my self out. Surely someone must have same problem. I love him to pieces but for some reason when he says he wants to go out that horrible person comes out, my stomach hurts and I feel so sick. I've tried to see counsellor but basically they said if he's gonna do it he will nothing I can do so really told me what I already know and ain't helped me.
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Re: Why do I get so annoyed / upset when my boyfriend goes o

Postby flashcampbell » Tue Nov 04, 2014 8:56 pm

So, if he just tells you the time he'll be home, you'd be ok? Is so, why not just try that for a while and see if you feel better. I know I like to know because I'm quite anxious and I worry something's happened. I also think it's common courtesy when you live with someone. There's nothing worse than waking at 4am to an empty bed and panicking
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Re: Why do I get so annoyed / upset when my boyfriend goes o

Postby KelliB1984 » Tue Nov 04, 2014 9:56 pm

Exactly and I don't think I'm being unreasonable. The time before last that he went out he went to cousins to watch footie at 5 and then didn't come home till 130, then last time he told me hed b in at 130 and didn't get in till 320, I was worrying as couldn't get hold of him, All different scenarios went through my mind, I thought he'd had accident etc Nd I worried. I said to him other day when we had a talk, look of u can just let me know what time Ull b in so I don't worry and he said next time he will xx
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Re: Why do I get so annoyed / upset when my boyfriend goes o

Postby rufio89 » Wed Nov 05, 2014 9:38 am

Hi kelli.

I can understand why it bothers you, but I'm sure you can also sympathise that sometimes when you're out having fun, you may have intended on going home at a certain time but you lose track of time and stay out longer than planned. I dont like it if my boyfriend says he'll be home early and he's back late, but I think unless it's like 4/5am and they're still not home, there's really no reason to worry - at the end of the day does it logically matter to you whether he's home at 1 or 3am? You're probably asleep by then anyway.

I do understand and appreciate where you're coming from, but I think this issue is about your insecurities. Yes, he could be more understanding of this and this is something you can talk about with him, but the crux of the issue is that you're very insecure. How are you in the rest of your life? Are you generally happy? It sounds to me like you're quite unhappy in yourself and you're reliant on him to provide you with happiness - this is very common, but it's not healthy and it's not the way to keep him.

I'd really suggest talking to someone about why you're so paranoid, and find a way to work through it. If that's not a feasible option, there's hundreds of websites that can give you tips and exercises to work through.

Good luck.
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Re: Why do I get so annoyed / upset when my boyfriend goes o

Postby KelliB1984 » Wed Nov 05, 2014 11:35 am

Yeah I completely understand what ur saying if he's out having a good time why should he come home but then again he can always just txt and say gonna b a bit late home so I don't worry. I find it really hard to sleep when he's out as I worry if he's ok. I know it's stupid, I just wanna get better hence joining these sites to see if anyone can help me. My google page is full up of things like, how do I change, why am I uoset etc etc x
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Re: Why do I get so annoyed / upset when my boyfriend goes o

Postby rufio89 » Wed Nov 05, 2014 11:56 am

I think that's normal and I agree with you, but sometimes when you're drunk (which I assume he is when he's on his nights out...?) you just lose track of time or just simply forget. I know it's hard on you and I really do sympathise.

Have you thought about counselling? Is that viable for you financially?
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Re: Why do I get so annoyed / upset when my boyfriend goes o

Postby KelliB1984 » Wed Nov 05, 2014 12:14 pm

I did a 12 week course through docs which was free but I can't really afford private counselling. The counsellor before said if he's gonna do Sommen he will and I wont b able to stop him which I get but kinda didn't help me at all.
I'm getting really down at mo and just wanna b happy x
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Re: Why do I get so annoyed / upset when my boyfriend goes o

Postby rufio89 » Wed Nov 05, 2014 12:33 pm

I didnt have much luck with NHS counsellors either.

It stands to reason that if you're feeling down in yourself that it's going to come out in your relationship. I know that when I'm feeling down in myself I find that I'm more paranoid and insecure with my boyfriend.

It's a bit of a "tough love" stance that your counsellor took, which evidently isnt the right angle for you, but they are right. If he was going to cheat on you, he'd just do it. You shouting at him, begging him not to, and worrying out it is not going to change that. I think what you need to remember is that if you're in a committed, monogamous relationship, the promise of 'not cheating' is implied by the relationship. Your fears that he's going to cheat on you - are they genuine fears, do you really think this is something he'd do to you, or is it just attached to a general fear of losing him?

The only actual advice I can really give you is advice I've followed myself to get to a better place in life:

- Meditate: I dont mean sitting and chanting or as any sort of spiritual thing, but just learning to focus your thoughts, learning to push out negative thoughts. It's really hard, it takes commitment and practice but it can be done. Here's a website with general tips for starting out. http://zenhabits.net/meditation-for-beg ... -the-mind/ - I think this would really help you and I think it would be a huge step in giving yourself some inner peace

- Stop beating yourself up: You're aware that your behaviour is a problem. Apologise and move on, dont dwell on it. Learn from your mistake and just do your best not to do it again. If you do do it again, again apologise and keep trying. If you keep telling yourself that you're a terrible person or a terrible girlfriend for acting like this, all you're doing is further denting your self esteem and is exacerbating the cycle

- Do whatever self esteem training works for you: Whether this is affirmations, writing lists of what you're happy about or just practical things like making yourself look nice or whatever works for you. If you look at yourself as an individual, take him out of the picture, what do you like about yourself? What do you not like about yourself? Focus on the parts of yourself you like, and consider if you could improve of any of the parts you dont, or learn to accept yourself as a flawed human being like everyone else - for example I didnt like that I'd stopped education so I started going to evening classes. I also dont like that I have a short temper so I'm working on that, but I'm also learning to accept that some people are just naturally more patient and I might just have to accept I'm always going to find it more difficult

- Don't try to be happy all the time: This was a big one for me. It's obvious when you think about it, but remember - NOONE is happy all the time. Everyone has bad days or weeks or even months. The more you try to be happy all the time, the more you're going to feel like you're failing when you dont

- Try to take some time for yourself: You're a parent and you have a child to look after which often takes over peoples lives. Find a hobby that you enjoy doing, whether it's something with other people or something you do alone (going to the gym, running, doing a class, joining a book/film club etc)

I think the main thing you need to remember is that you can't fix this overnight. Remember that he loves you or he wouldnt be with you. He certainly wouldnt take on the responsibility of being a full-time step parent if he wasnt serious about you. Remember that if he's going out, he might be out late or lose track of time and this is thoughtless, but you know he's coming home to you in the end. But most importantly remember that you want to change, and you CAN change. Dont keep telling yourself you're a terrible person, you ARENT. If you were a terrible person you'd blame it all on him and refuse to acknowledge it's a problem. You're a good person with a flaw that can be worked on. EVERYONE has flaws. Some of us it's that we get too angry, some of us it's that you're too closed off, or that you're always late, or that you're lazy or bitchy or too impulsive. Everyone has flaws and I really think yours would get better if you stopped being so hard on yourself, and I suspect that if you were happier and more confident in general, this problem would go away (or at least get better) on its own.
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Re: Why do I get so annoyed / upset when my boyfriend goes o

Postby KelliB1984 » Wed Nov 05, 2014 1:03 pm

Omg u are so right. I do have such low self esteem. I actually hate myself, my weight, my spots, my non existent nails. All stupid little things but as a whole does affect me. I wanna b a princess. I wanna look in the mirror and go kel u look nice today. I know ive gotta lose weight, but when I'm unhappy I just wanna eat so it's a vicious cycle. I am defo going to try your tips. I know it's me and I'm not saying my bf is an angel but he tries to reassure me all the time which he shouldn't have to to try and make me feel better. We've been stuck in a bad Rutt and I guess if he didn't want to b with me then he would have just gone by now. I don't wanna b unhappy but I'm finding myself being unhappy as I know I'm not making my bf unhappy. God it's stupid, I do need to sort it out x
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