Serious help needed in sex starved marriage

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Serious help needed in sex starved marriage

Postby Dannny35765 » Sat Dec 06, 2014 10:53 am

I have been reading and browsing the web for some time now about the state of my relationship and finding ways to help/deal with my situation.

Basically, I am 25 and my wife is 28. We got married young and we have a son together and a child from her previous relationship. For the first year we were together everything was awesome as is any new relationship. We got married after only a year and we moved away from home and we had a child together. This is where the problems started for me. After the birth of my son, her sex drive dropped massively (down from a few times a week to less than once a month).I gathered it was post birth and didn't pressure the situation in the hope with time it would return after a little time. However, her drive never returned. It continued like this for roughly 1-2 years after the birth of my son before I started to worry. I began to doubt myself, felt insecure and I tried to talk to her about it but was met with an angry response. Anyway I soldiered on occasionally bringing up the subject and trying to tell her that I was not happy with out sex lives as nicely as I could) but I was met with virtually the same response every time. I was getting rejected regularly and it began to take effect on my wellbeing. She eventually last year started telling me that she just wasn't interested in sex and that it wasn't important for her. But she has since then had an increased interest in going for nights out with her friends. We had a few bust ups and accusations were flying but still nothing has changed and now I am rife with paranoia and insecurities. I tried to speak to her again the other day and she admitted we don't do it enough but said she doesn't feel interested and has made no effort to understand my feelings. I don't know what else to do, I have started to become snappy and resentful when around her and the smallest thing will upset me. She makes me feel like a sex maniac and selfish when all I want is to feel close to my wife again. Please help
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Re: Serious help needed in sex starved marriage

Postby Tucco » Sat Dec 06, 2014 7:12 pm

Hi Danny,

I was in a marriage where my wife lost interest in sex almost as soon as we were married, I understand when you say the rejection is affecting your well being, I was totally in that situation and lost a lot of confidence, I felt that no one found me attractive, I too tried to explain my feeling`s but this did not help, I ended up resenting my wife and would say hurtful things to her because she was hurting me so much with the rejection, this became a vicious circle because the more I was mean the less chance of any intimacy .
Ultimately the marriage broke down and we divorced, no kids involved thankfully.
If there were no kids involved I would tell you to walk away but you should do all you can to repair the marriage first such as counselling etc.
Get as much help as you can and see where that takes you, at 25 you can afford time to sort things out and if not make a break.

Good luck I wish you well.
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Re: Serious help needed in sex starved marriage

Postby Akidma » Sun Dec 07, 2014 1:39 pm

Like the other person who has responded to you, I know how you feel; rejected, loss of confidence, feeling unattractive and all of those feelings because they are an inevitable consequence of what has happened to you.
Something has caused this loss of sex drive your lady is experiencing. What you do not know is what that something is.
Let me first say that if you do not tackle this problem then you will end up divorced; it just cannot be ignored because either you will seek sex elsewhere or unwittingly drive her to seek an affair, or just someone who she feels she can talk to, other than you.
It is a ''catch 22 scenario'' unfortunately. You just cannot win in this because you may not really want to know why she does not want you sexually, but you must find out.
If you have tried talking to her (and I mean talking to her not goading her or even bullying her) and there has been no forthcoming answers, then the next step is to carefully explain to her how it is affecting your well-being. Try to help her to understand you. If you have already done this, then clearly communication between you both has broken down;hence you must seek advice from a counsellor. It is in your interest, your ladies interest and especially the interest of the children that you do not just let things slide here. This has to be dealt with swiftly. If your lady hasn't got a medical problem then something else must be putting her off sex! Could it be, that she has a concern about being pregnant again? Could it be that your manhood is large and she experiences discomfort when sex does take place, or conversely too small that she does not experience an orgasm. There could be an underlying problem that with help could be cured simply by tackling it, but it cannot be just ignored because clearly it will not go away and certainly will manifest into a more serious scenario. You may not enjoy hearing that this problem could be with you, but unless you examine it thoroughly you will never find out and the 'slippery slope'' you are already on will increase in its acuteness.
I wish you well
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Re: Serious help needed in sex starved marriage

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Dec 09, 2014 11:38 am

I agree with Akidma and Tucco

Tell your wife you need to get counselling and sort through his together.

This will be starting to affect the kids so if she doesn't want to do it for herself or you then she should do it for them.
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Re: Serious help needed in sex starved marriage

Postby ILoveChristmas » Tue Dec 09, 2014 11:41 am

Hi Danny,

Before you let this destroy your relationship I think it's time to step back and look over the intimacy issue and consider the rest of your relationship. Putting aside the intimacy issue for a moment, is your relationship good? Do you still love your wife? Do you still want this relationship to work? If the answer to those questions is yes, the last thing you should be doing is walking away.

I wonder if there might be a better angle to look at this issue from. Rather than trying to fix the rift in the relationship, try to work out what the common causes of loss of sexual appetite post-birth are and do what you can to help with those. With luck the relationship issues will resolve themselves thereafter.

I think the key point to remember here is that often for us men the issue of our wives wanting sex or not is a cut and dried case, she either does or she doesn't, but for women (and I'm talking about this who've given birth here) it's very much more complex than that. When a woman goes through the process of pregnancy and birth there are a vast number of emotional and physical changes that take place and they all affect thought processes, mood and her perception of things. I don't mean to sound condescending, I understand you know these things but do try to keep it in mind because it's the reason for these problems you're having now.

A loss of interest in sex after the birth of a child is an incredibly common thing, in fact it's normal. As Akidma touched on in their post, the problem you've got is not knowing what the issues are in your case because they can be wide and varied but given we're a few years down the line I'd suggest it's more likely your wife has some emotional (rather than physical) issues at play.

Here are a few suggestions:

- Is there a chance your wife resents your attempts to help with the child, or possibly continues to resent what she saw as insufficient help when the child was a baby? I think as men we often feel a helplessness with babies, like they're a natural step for a woman to take but not so much for us and that can often be interpreted as an unwillingness to help. My suggestion here is to make sure you're doing all you can to share responsibilities with your wife, and if necessary, ask her what you can do to help, even if your opinion is you're doing more than enough at the moment.

- Is your wife totally exhausted? If she works as well as looks after your child then it's no surprise, and high on the list of things likely to kill your sex life.

- Has your wife come to associate the bedroom purely with sleeping? As you well know, when a baby comes along it's a case of sleeping when you can and as a result the bedroom becomes associated with getting your head down and off to sleep as soon as possible.

These are just a few suggestions to get you thinking, but I want to finish by reminding you, particularly with emotional issues, that pressure absolutely will not help, so it's probably time to back off the from the issue and as I said at the start, approach this from a different perspective. Don't try to fix the lack of sex, try to help and support your wife in other areas of life. Fix the other areas that are broken and the sex will be a natural reward.
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