Secrets and lies

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Secrets and lies

Postby fallingman » Sat Dec 06, 2014 11:21 pm

Hi,

I would appreciate some anonymous advice,

I have been in a relationship for nearly 17 years (I'm 37) and I never thought that it wouldn't last. I have been very happy with my wife, she is not always the easiest to live with but I have been happy and I thought things would be good. She suffers from episodes of depression which she takes out on me but I just keep my head down and things usually improve. She won't get help and usually denies she has a problem. I do what I can to help, but its difficult living with someone with depression.

This last year she has been cold, distant and downright nasty on occasion. I recently found out what was going on, she has been having a long distance affair. She denied everything and lied consistently about it but eventually it came out.We talked and a lot of things came out. She blames me for a lot of her problems, which I find difficult to take. I've given up a lot to support her and I'm the only person who has stayed with her, as her friends and family have all let her down.I have been a good husband, never messed her around and always provided very well for her.

we are fixing things up, but it has left me feeling very empty. I looked back at all the times she has snapped at me, given the cold shoulder, etc and I put up with all of this. Now I wonder whether that is what she is really like and I have just been making excuses, love is blind etc.

I feel I have to give it the chance to fix it and I am really trying, but part of me wonders whether it would have been better to split up. I just don't see her the same way I used to, the lies and the things said all have left their scars.I feel torn, part of me would love to see it fixed, but part feels I am a mug for putting up with this.

Has anyone else been through something like this? Did you stay or go?
fallingman
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Re: Secrets and lies

Postby Akidma » Sun Dec 07, 2014 1:13 pm

Hi
I am sorry I missed your post and would have replied to it earlier; however I can emphasise, and sympathise with you, and yes I have experienced similar in a former life.
Lets talk first about YOU.
I can tell first that you love your lady no matter what has happened and you are seemingly a decent bloke.
You have been as attentive and supportive as you know how to, yet feel it has been somewhat a wasted effort. You have been in just as dark a place as your good lady, because you have not been able to understand what is going on.
You are not a mug for putting up with the way she has treated you, because you just love her and want things to be back to the way they were, even though you know in your heart that things cannot go back. You are both where you are now because of events which have occurred, which have put you both in this dark place.
What you must do is go forward, and not relate to what was, even though that was better. Your relationship may never be as good again as you thought it was. Notice though that I emphasise the word 'thought', because maybe the relationship wasn't as good as perhaps you thought it was, in the first place.
I feel to go forward you must work together as a couple, and for that to happen the affair must be over and done with. You must slowly rebuild new trust between you and re-kindle the love that you have for each other. Something has send your lady into a depressive state; hence dragged you with her. You must mutually examine whatever that could be and ensure that it does not occur again. Could it be for example that you don't listen to her when she has all of those ''woman's issues''; could it be that you like a drink down the local and she isn't a part of that life with you; obviously I don't know from reading what you put, what the underlying problem is, but I know what the residue was, but if you both want to progress the relationship that element must be found, so it can be 'ironed' out in the future.
To me you should not give up on her just yet, even though she has had an affair, because she is the lady you love, so work with her to go on with her by your side.
I myself ended up with a divorce because the damage was just too great. I would have rather had an arm severed off at the time, but let me assure you that whichever way it goes, time does eventually heal.
I do wish you well
Akidma
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Re: Secrets and lies

Postby fallingman » Thu Dec 11, 2014 9:41 pm

Thanks for the feedback. I'm very confused but I am going to stick with it. Sorry to hear you split up
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Re: Secrets and lies

Postby David020549 » Thu Dec 25, 2014 8:02 am

You don't mention your sex life, many women are "difficult" because they do not get satisfied in bed. Conversely I know plenty of couples with turbulent lives that stay together because sex is good wether or not one or both are cheating.
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