Very confused

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Very confused

Postby Solarin » Tue Dec 30, 2014 6:10 pm

I've been seeing a man for over 4 years and...well...help!
He's a lovely person, not into porn, doesn't drink,doesn't lie, we get on really well, I can be myself with him - except I've never been able to relax. I'm not happy. Now I tell myself that's my fault, I must be doing something wrong. But I can't stand feeling like this. And I don't know where to start. So, like I said, he's lovely...but there are some..big buts, and I'm really mixed up. I'm not that into him any more. I don't feel excited about seeing him any more. I'm just negative all the time. I criticise him, too, and I wish I didn't. If I have any problems, he isn't the first person I go to; first of all cos he never seems to have his phone with him. He isn't romantic...I mean, he bought me a lovely bracelet for xmas, but...there's no magic. He doesn't kiss me any more. Even having sex is a major undertaking for me now because it hurts me too much, and yes, I have been for tests and there's nothing wrong: this is psychological. I feel like a great big, needy, negative lump. I spend a lot of time thinking about this situation, and what can I do?
I worked with him for 2 years and recently resigned (leaving me unemployed) because I couldn't stand his attitude on the job. He has a restaurant and everything is so casual for him...we'd run out of stuff, or he would get angry when I gave him the orders, and I just couldn't stand it. I was apologising to people for our poor performance all the time. I feel like he's a big baby. I don't feel safe with him. I say he's dependable - but then again, he isn't. He's always dead tired and forgets...and no, I don't feel love coming from him, though he (rarely now) says he loves me. I could go on and on, but basically I think he isn't meeting my emotional needs. I've tried talking to him but it hasn't helped.
I'm not perfect! My dad was an abusive alcoholic and disappeared when I was 15 and that has def. left me with issues. But...this relationship. I feel it's going nowhere. I don't want to move in with him, I don't like his family dynamics, I don't even know his financial situation, he's never been open with me. He's just this 'nice guy' who is good at spending money on me, but ...???
He tells me things like "I'm a simple guy, what you see is what you get, you don't know how lucky you are" .. but that just makes me despair. And continue feeling demanding and selfish. And the real thing is, some part of feels that is not the case. It isn't simple. At some level, there's some emotional blackmail going on there. Just to say, since I stopped working for him, He's been carrying on in the restaurant: alone. He's in a terrible state. But he won't get a replacement. That seems to confirm what I was afraid of: he was taking advantage of me cos I'm his girlfriend. He never even paid me for the work I did in December, and I feel too insecure to ask him about it because, well - we went on holiday ( and he paid for the flights, his insistence).
I feel so sorry for him, I keep having to fight my feelings of wanting to go back and help him out! But I don't feel that he particularly cares about me, so...
As I said, I have issues. I was in a major car accident too, and was in a coma,etc. But I don't feel that he ...adores me, looks up to me, respects me. And in all honesty, I'm not sure that I look up to him, or respect him either.
Sorry this post is so rambling - after over 4 years of this, I'm losing my sanity. Where can I start to make some sense of my feelings?
Solarin
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Re: Very confused

Postby snail » Tue Dec 30, 2014 9:15 pm

Well it doesn't sound as though you are getting much that's positive from this relationship, and I suspect he isn't either. You don't live with him and you don't work with him anymore, so why not just end the relationship?
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: Very confused

Postby Solarin » Wed Dec 31, 2014 11:24 am

I don't think he's finding it easy either. Your comment was very short but summed it up in a nutshell - thanks.
Solarin
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Re: Very confused

Postby snail » Wed Dec 31, 2014 1:13 pm

When you're inside these things, they wear you down and it can be hard to see any alternative options. But from an outsider's point of view, it does seem the obvious solution. It will be sad, but it sounds as though you will feel very relieved too.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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