Driving myself bonkers!!

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Driving myself bonkers!!

Postby Sonic » Mon Jan 05, 2015 10:22 pm

I guess by writing this down, I'm hoping that I might sort my own head out....but if anyone has any suggestions they will be gratefully received! About a year ago I split up with my partner of 8 years.....we have a daughter and I have two other children as well.. We all still live in the same house as it's a joint mortgage and financially and for the children it makes sense. I have however started seeing a boyfriend who I went out with over 10 years ago (I never got over him and didn't realise he felt the same) he has also recently come out of a long term relationship. Obviously my living situation doesn't help and the fact that we live over 50 miles apart adds a further challenge!! When we are together things are fantastic.....I would happily move to be with him but my children are settled here...... Now here's the problem, and one I haven't experienced before. I am finding it soooo hard when he has to work or wants to do his own thing on days that we 'could' have together. Weekends are virtually the only days that we get and I always do the travelling as he can't come and stay here obviously!! It's not that I think he's going to go off with someone else....but I feel so jealous of 'anyone' male or female that takes any of that precious time! I hate feeling like this and want to be happy about him spending time doing things that he enjoys..... I know it's MY problem but my head feels like it's going to explode and I sometimes feel like I just don't want to be here any more!! He is very independant and I've not been used to someone who has so many interests......that's one of our mutual things that we love about each other.....and we do a lot of things together...... I feel like I'm going mad and just want things to settle down. I think I'd be better if I was living there, and I know he'd have me, but I just can't make that step at the moment because of the children.
Sorry I've ranted enough!!
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Re: Driving myself bonkers!!

Postby Nomad » Wed Jan 07, 2015 12:19 pm

Hi Sonic - I really feel for you, what a hard situation you are in. You answer a lot of your own questions though and seem to have your head screwed on the right way! Obviously your children are your number one commitment, and no matter how much you want life to be another way, there is nothing you can do about that. So long as the situation doesn't drive you so mad that your behaviour effects them as well, then you need to somehow find peace with your situation.

Would it help to have a good planned schedule ahead of time. So that you can ready yourself and know in advance when your boyfriend is going to be doing other things - then make your own plans so that you are not home wondering why he is not with you instead enjoying your own free time for yourself. It is vital in the long term that you both have your own interests and lives anyway, so may as well start now, even though in the honeymoon period you just want to be with him 24/7. Remember that as much as it must feel like your relationship with him is fixing all kinds of rubbish from the past, that it is vital to put yourself first and not let the relationship rule your decisions. Otherwise that leaves you in a very vulnerable situation.

It does sound however like perhaps he isn't putting in the same effort as you are? You are the one who has to travel and juggle your home life. Perhaps deep down you feel like he could do more to make sure you had the same free days. Can you talk to him about that? Can you ask him if you can put together a better schedule, or at least say to him that this is frustrating you. He might think everything is fine (which it sounds like it is for him... minimal effort, and still getting to do his own thing). Look after yourself, put yourself first. If he's not doing his bit then he needs to know - if he is decent he will understand. If he is not then you can do better!

The other thing that stands out is that you contradict yourself a little bit. You say one of the things that you love about him is how he is very active and independent, however you struggle to feel happy about him doing his own thing. How about try and imagine your situation where you are not living with your ex and there are no kids. How would you feel if your boyfriend was off doing his own thing then? Would it still bother you? Is it jealousy that he has more freedom than you? Or if it would still bother you, perhaps his high level of independence is incompatible with you and it will always be a problem.

But that last point takes me back to the one before it. Check that you are not being over-flexible, telling yourself that it's all your problem and in your own head. He might not be giving enough. I've been there before and convinced myself I was the one at fault, as I loved the guy and found it hard to believe that he was less than perfect. It is amazing what we can 'believe' and what is actually the truth.

All the best sonic, hope it all works out x
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Re: Driving myself bonkers!!

Postby snail » Wed Jan 07, 2015 1:41 pm

Nomad wrote:Perhaps deep down you feel like he could do more to make sure you had the same free days.

I thought that too, in fact I strongly agree with all of Nomad's post. Do you think this might be about how much effort you feel he's putting in compared to you?
How we spend our days is how we spend our lives.

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Re: Driving myself bonkers!!

Postby Sonic » Wed Jan 07, 2015 10:02 pm

Thank you both, very helpful reply Nomad :hugs:

It's very hard to plan ahead properly as to be fair, most of the weekends that get taken up are work and can be short notice..... he's self employed so really can't afford to turn down too much of it... though the times I dread the most are booked up almost a year in advance where he has to spend the weekend away. I can cope ok with the daytime work at weekends but do feel a bit like I shouldn't be 50 miles away from my kids when he's not even there....I can't afford the fuel to keep going backwards and forwards constantly though! I do sometimes take the kids with me but my older daughter has work at the weekends so that doesn't make it easy.
I'm wondering if it is more of an anxiety disorder that I have (I had a food phobia some years back) maybe the stress of the situation has brought this back but in a different form. The fact that I can rationally look at the situation and see that my extreme emotion when things come up is not what I actually believe in.....(does that make sense :/ ?) I don't want to be controlling and over possessive and do believe that each person needs their own time and interests.....but I feel like my head is about to explode when something comes up....hence the contradiction!!

I have spoken to him about how I'm feeling and he has asked me how he can help.....I don't really know myself though. I know I'd feel ok if he stopped having to take time away from us.....but that would be totally unfair, and put him in a bad situation financially. He does say he wants to help but doesn't know how to make it better.....and I guess that's the crux......I know it's my problem. I think sometimes he just doesn't know how to tell me he has to work or needs to have some 'him' time, because he doesn't want to upset me. I know he's trying :) He and his ex led very separate lives and so he didn't even have to think about stuff like this. Hey ho!!!

Thanks again for taking the time to read and respond!!
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Re: Driving myself bonkers!!

Postby Minna » Thu Jan 08, 2015 6:07 pm

Hi Sonic

Hello. You come over as such a nice person, wanting to do so much to make this work. Are you sure your boyfriend also really wants you both to move forward to a closer relationship together? A closer relationship would, of course, be more "time consuming" (if I can use that term) for both of you, but this should be what he dreams of as well as you. You say that he is very independent. Well, (despite what he says, or even realises) perhaps he is actually happy with the situation as it is - i.e. loving to see you, but mostly only at weekends, whilst being able to do his job when he wants/needs to, and often being able to "do his own thing" during his leisure times.

One thing that stands out to me - is there any way that your chap could move to be closer to you? Of course, if he too has children living with, or close to, him then it would be very difficult, if not impossible, for him to move.
But if not - you say he works for himself - would that not make it easier for him to move and take on work close to where he moves to? It could be that it would be a terrible wrench or maybe inconvenient for him to move but, out of both your situations, it does seem the best option?? If he moved say, 5 or 10 miles away, you would be able to be together and share happy times more often.

I hope you don't think I am being mean about your chap, as I truly do wish you both well, but I thought my reply might just give you another "angle" to your problem?

With best wishes. :) xx
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Re: Driving myself bonkers!!

Postby Nomad » Fri Jan 09, 2015 9:11 pm

Hi again Sonic

You remind me of me, and your fella reminds me of my ex. It is so easy to imagine that you are the one at fault if you suffer from any kind of anxiety or low self esteem. Perhaps you justify it in your head because you are doing your best to work it all out rationally, but actually the reason you feel confused and all over the place is because something is not quite right. I appreciate that he is trying to help and listens to you, but he also needs to actually take action and understand your perspective. It is easy for the other party to say ' I'll do anything to help, just tell me what that is'. But actually that is very dismissive and puts a lot of pressure on you. It's says 'it's for you to deal with, you figure it out and come back when you know the answer'. The fact is you should be working it out together. He does sound as if he is having his cake and eating it a bit. He needs to show you more commitment to the both of you. It's not all down to you. You seem to make excuses for him and turn it on yourself.

And if he cannot give you that good feeling of security and equality that you need, then it may be you are not both in the same place with the relationship. You mention he didn't have to haev this kind of conversation or know how to be open with what he is getting up to etc in his last relationship. But this is not his last relationship. If he is not mature enough to have learned how to communicate well in a relationship, then that is a major red flag. How it was in the past is not an excuse, but it does show what sort of relationship he was having which says a lot about his ability to commit and communicate.

But like Minna says, I do,not want to sound down on your guy, it is fab that you are working so hard to sort things out for you, but it's so easy to be blinded when you really like someone. He needs to put some work in, that is my perspective.

Good luck and all the best
X
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Re: Driving myself bonkers!!

Postby David020549 » Sun Jan 11, 2015 11:16 pm

It seems to me that you are chasing him driven by memories of the past, whereas he is not really bothered either way and is content with his independant life. He obviously likes you but will not make any commitment, why should he you are giving him what he wants with no effort or commitment.
If you did not contact him for a month would he bother to contact you?, judge him by the result of that test.
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Re: Driving myself bonkers!!

Postby Sonic » Mon Jan 12, 2015 8:39 pm

Hi guys, thanks for your replies......sorry not been online over the weekend.
I'm feeling a lot better as we had quite a chat over the weekend. I think I realised that a lot of my 'panic' was not wanting to be the little lady left at home. We go on a lot of adventures together but I'm not experienced in all areas of outdoor activites and so can't really go along on those trips. I had it in my head that this was time he wanted to himself, but he has assured me that he wants to get me up to scratch on these over the summer and that he will most definitely want me along once I can get the skills needed. :) Obviously I can't go with him to the weekend work....but definitely feeling a lot more at ease.

Minna, him moving really isn't an option and I wouldn't want him to either.....ultimately I want to be at his....we've done quite a bit of work on the house over Christmas and feel like it is becoming a home. He's made it very clear he wants me there as much as possible but doesn't want to put pressure on me because of the children (thank goodness he doesn't have those too!!) Thank you :) x

Nomad, thanks again :) He really is trying hard to understand how I'm feeling, it's just a whole new territory to him (and me really....I'm not really a clingy person!!) He talks about the future with me in it a lot, and we demolished part of his house at my suggestion over Christmas...he said I give him confidence and faith in himself........there is a whole lot of good in this relationship which probably didn't come across in my previous posts.... I'm sure that there will be more difficult times ahead but he really does listen and apologises for not being better at reading my feelings sometimes.
Hope you had a great weekend :) x

Hi David, it's funny....we kept in touch even if only once a year for the whole 12 years or so we were apart.....we never actually lived together before and it was a reluctant end to seeing each other because of the distance and finances at the time..... I definitely would be quite happy to have chased him, but in fact he really was the one that did the chasing this time...... As I say I think my previous posts I was feeling very low and so concentrating on the negatives, but he really has put a lot of effort in and is emphatic that he wants a future together. He texts me reguarly throught the day (work permitting) So today I'm feeling hopeful..... I know the summer will be hard as his work is seasonal and he has no choice but to work seven days a week some weeks......I guess the next few months will be the big test....
Thanks for your thoughts :) much appreciated!
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