Does my wife still love me?

For problems with girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, wives, lovers and leavers!
Forum rules
NEW USERS HAVE TO WAIT FOR THEIR FIRST POSTS TO BE APPROVED BY AN ADMINISTRATOR. Rules | Essential Information | FAQ | Support | Twitter

Does my wife still love me?

Postby sjimoh » Thu Jan 08, 2015 11:29 am

Hi people, I'll like to thank you in advance for your opinion.

A recent event in my life has changed me. There are so much details I can't add here as there will be not enough time for it and also don't want to bore you guys with my stories.

I can't count how many times my wife said or promises me that she will never cheat on me when things were ok. I though marriage is for better and for worse but doesn't seem to be the case for my wife. I found out last month that my wife has an affair. This is extremely hard for me to accept considering that may be out of ignorance I thought our relationship is way too strong to do such a thing to each other.

Prior to that we been arguing, fighting and disagreeing over a lot of things. I was angry and hurt and felt that I couldn't get my message and feeling through to her. So we needed a break to avoid further conflict and I decided to sleep in the living room. This went on for about 2 weeks. During this period my wife always tried to speak to me, but I was irritated by her approach and pushed her away because I felt nothing changes. However she grown irritated and kept on arguing then agreed that she stays with her friends for 3-4 days and I will do the same. To cut the long story short- she slept with another guys doing this period and since then she's been saying she wants to move out.

As most would expect, it felt like if I was hit by asteroid when I saw the conversation with her friend. I questioned her for almost an hour accusing her of cheating, something I have never done before in our relationship that stands at almost 7 years, she strenuously denied it but it was all in her face. Then I showed her the evidence. This was a woman that said she loved me countless times a day in the past.

She was in tears she said we will work through it, I later broke down like never before. The worst part of it was that she said to her friend felt no regret, no remorse, in a way blamed me, no sense of responsibility. Before revealing the evidence whilst still in denial, I played the video of our wedding day we've both always acknowledged as this best day of our lives. She said- 'it's horrible'!

I want her back and thanks to a friend of ours advice, I have been able to have her back home but she's still rude and grumpy towards me, and telling me she's confused and don't know if our marriage can survive but she doesn't want a divorce- this drives me mad. I am trying really hard to win her back but I am really scared I can't do it for too long if I see no changes in her feeling for me. Sometimes I thing should I just let her go but I am so emotionally bonded with her that I can't.

I'm going through a lot of emotions and just barely handling it, I don't know how long I can go before I get so angry because of her attitude, still going out like nothing has happen, telling me she's confused, her lack of sympathy towards what she's putting me through and show some signs of making it up to me. I recognise my fault in this event and I just wish I could go back and change things but it doesn't matter, I just want to make things right again but I need her to want what that too and show it.

I desperately want to trust my wife but I can't just now. She has never told me the truth, admit or denial to me that she had an affair. She continues to lie. No explanation to convince me that it is only a mistake as she said when she got found out. We were at the counselling yesterday for intake process, she didn't even tell the counsellor that she had an affair as it is one of the questions in the form. She has since changed her facebook password and opened another email account to secure her facebook life. Protective of her phone, deleting messages but was checking my phone just yesterday while she thought I slept. She tell me she loves me but I think she says that to make things easy on me. If things gets better I don't know if I could trust her going out, or buying a home together, facebook etc

I have always loved my wife and can't imagine being without her. However this issue confirms that I can't be without her and I have been very patient and not pressed her with questions but shown her love. I am so down emotionally but tried to be cheerful around her to lift her spirit. I asked her this morning if she still feels the butterfly she always tell me about in her belly for me, she said she don't feel anything. It hurts me to know that so this is one of the reason i'm here so I don't ruin whatever she may still have for me at the counselling. I thought counselling is a way to express all your thought but I don't know how much I can say to avoid making the situation worse.

I need help clearing this affair image off my head. I kept thinking how long as this been going on and is it premeditated along with every thought you could imagine. I think she met this guy in sporting group she attends 3-4 time a week, I want my mind to be at rest so I am thinking if I may ask her in a calm manner if she see this guy every week so we may collectively find a way to avoid contact with him.

My wife has done so much for me. I am so fed up of feeling down and drained and worried about what my wife will do next, or when next she will hurt me again, next week, 5 or 10 or 20 years time? I am hurt and I want her to know that, but she doesn't when I look back to her conversation and her behaviour now. It is unimaginably hard for me to balance this feelings. It hurts me because we said to each other, our marriage is for the better and worse, but I don't understand how it's so easy for her when the worse came by to want to leave and leave me all our dreams, aspirations and hopes in tatters.

I love my wife beyond my widest imagination, I want her back in whole, I want all our dreams, hopes and aspirations back and intact but I am scared of getting hurt more than ever if all goes well and children etc gets involved. i want her to be faithful to truthful to me, I want to truth her more than ever. I hope with your advice along with other help such as another counselling tonight will help us through this stage.
Last edited by snail on Thu Jan 08, 2015 2:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Edited for minor typos,
sjimoh
Regular Visitor
Regular Visitor
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Thu Jan 08, 2015 8:43 am

Re: Does my wife still love me?

Postby Minna » Thu Jan 08, 2015 7:00 pm

Hi there. I can't imagine how hurt you must feel. it must be so awful for you to have to face this situation. However, you are both going along to a counsellor and, believe me, this is the very best thing for you both. Marriage problems such as yours are what these counsellors are skilled at dealing with, and they will bring all their experience to help you both with a way forward out of this mess. But you must both be willing to listen at your sessions - to both the counsellor AND each other. And, please, please, carry on attending. Even if, by chance, your wife should stop attending for any reason, please carry on meeting with the counsellor, even if you attend on your own. It will be of enormous benefit to you to help you move forward.
You have my best wishes and good luck for the future.
Minna
Regular Visitor
Regular Visitor
 
Posts: 33
Joined: Thu Sep 25, 2014 4:40 pm
Gender: Female

Re: Does my wife still love me?

Postby sjimoh » Thu Jan 08, 2015 7:35 pm

I am very grateful for your words Minna. It makes me feel better. I will try hard to be patient and listen most importantly not talk over her which was what she did. I hope this can be a way of sorting things through. Thank you for your wishes.

I welcome other contributions people
sjimoh
Regular Visitor
Regular Visitor
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Thu Jan 08, 2015 8:43 am

Re: Does my wife still love me?

Postby Bel Bel » Fri Jan 09, 2015 2:19 pm

I think by going to counselling you are doing the best thing
This will not resolve itself overnight
You will both need to put in effort and changing behaviour and reactions is not something that happens instantly
If you both want to make it work you can but if you want to and she doesn't then it will end anyway, you can't make someone love you and if her heart isn't really in it you can't make that happen.
She had an affair for a reason and whatever is at the route of that will be the way to resolve the problem, the counsellor should help with that
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

Cheap Pandora Charms UK

User avatar
Bel Bel
Fully Fledged Flatmate
Fully Fledged Flatmate
 
Posts: 6758
Joined: Thu May 10, 2007 1:58 pm
Location: Hertfordshire
Gender: Female

Re: Does my wife still love me?

Postby sjimoh » Sat Jan 10, 2015 1:39 am

Thank you Bel Bel for your comment.

From what I saw last night during the counselling I don't really know what to think. She doesn't seem apologetic, sort of angry. She wouldn't talk about how she feels, just gave a bit of history and kept saying she don't know and she don't want to talk. She said she knows i'm hurt and I need her to be there as she would except but she can change herself, she need to think and need space and don't want to be around me, She said.

However when were at home we didn't talk about it as advised but hard an ok night as I was trying to be cheering around her, asked her if she wants a hug, things like this. I still couldn't have a good night sleep though.

She seem more cheerful this morning and been texting while at work and speaking better without anger, she sometimes tells me she loves me but I don't know what to think. I asked if she liked to go cinema tonight, then told replied saying she wanted to ask me that she want to have a drink with one of her gf and we can spend saturday evening together. Even though I found it irritating that she rather spend time with her friend than sort out our issues but I can't say no so I told her I craved her happiness and if it make her happy then I am fine with it. Then followed by the 'are you sure, I know you miss me' game like she cares really.

It's just so sad for me, I have never chosen her friends or tell her who she makes friends with but I'm beginning to get worried about her friends.

I am in a state of confusion. I am madly in love, i've got to deal with keeping, dealing with my own state of mind and not to even mention trust. I wish I can just end it or detach myself a bit but I can't. She's all I have got and I love my wife beyond my imagination.

How can I deal with this? Is it time to get some anti depressant to maintain better mood and sanity? It's 00:45 can't go to bed, waiting for her to have the cake I made her and most importantly a hug and a smile from her.

Love is pain
sjimoh
Regular Visitor
Regular Visitor
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Thu Jan 08, 2015 8:43 am

Re: Does my wife still love me?

Postby sjimoh » Sun Jan 11, 2015 11:01 pm

I think I am losing it. I'm home alone feeling like rubbish thinking what my wife is doing out again. Once again she as chosen are friend over me as she's done on friday. Yesterday she stay home because she's tired, even though I suggested we do some activity together as she usually accuse me of doing nothing. Today I have suggested we spend the time together but she gave a reason why she as to go out which I didn't object to but express my regret that I would love to spend the day with her. So bizarre she's asking me if her dressing up is good.

Until the horrendous stage of our lives, whenever she's out, she alway keep me updated- like when she gets there, the location etc. But now, no more, she even switch off the location tool (for location sharing on her phone) on friday night put it back on and now it's off again.

Is it wrong to follow her for the sake of knowing if she's seeing this guy again?

We're in early stages of counselling, just had an intake, on the waiting list now but can't take this. I know she's still lying to me as she refuse to talk. I can't take this anymore. I need help
sjimoh
Regular Visitor
Regular Visitor
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Thu Jan 08, 2015 8:43 am

Re: Does my wife still love me?

Postby snail » Mon Jan 12, 2015 12:29 am

I wouldn't follow her - no matter whom she's with, a friend or a man, the outcome of your actually following her is not going to be good.

Do you have anyone in real life you can turn to for support right now? A parent, or a sibling, or a close friend?
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

Najwa Zebian
User avatar
snail
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 4347
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2007 8:59 pm
Location: Your guess is as good as mine.
Gender: Female

Re: Does my wife still love me?

Postby Minna » Tue Jan 13, 2015 6:14 pm

Hi Sjimoh.
I agree with snail, you do really need to talk now. You are at your wits end - talk to someone you know will listen and be there for you - go out for a coffee and a long talk when you and the other person have plenty of time.
I feel sorry for guys because a woman in this situation would find it more easy to find a "shoulder to cry on" amongst their friends, because women are much more empathetic and open emotionally than guys - basically they are, generally, much better at it. If you unburden your problems to a guy, they would, of course, have sympathy but they would probably not be able to give you much empathy or share your pain because that is not the way the male psyche generally works.

Because of this, could I suggest - do you have a mum, sister or other really close female relative you feel you could speak to - even if its just to talk through the way you are feeling? And don't delay in talking to someone because you feel uncomfortable, and perhaps embarrassed, that the marriage is in trouble. You are important and need their input.
This site can help, but it can never be the same as a face to face talk. Please promise us that you will have that talk so that you are not going through this alone.
x
Minna
Regular Visitor
Regular Visitor
 
Posts: 33
Joined: Thu Sep 25, 2014 4:40 pm
Gender: Female

Re: Does my wife still love me?

Postby sjimoh » Wed Jan 14, 2015 11:45 am

Thanks snail and thanks once again Minna,

I am trying to talk but unfortunately, it's a complicated situation all round. I've never had many friends, and most are in hundreds and thousand or miles away. I find it extremely difficult to talk to many of my friends and when I do talk to some I can't talk about the details of how I really feel. I have just met this guys (2) who are really supportive and know that I am having issues with my wife but they do not know the magnitude of the issue. They frequently tell me they're here if I want to talk. But I can't talk, why? I just can't.

I am the only child of my mother, she's thousand of miles away, even though she now know that there's are issue we're trying to solve in our marriage, I am yet to tell her or any of my close family members the details. My father isn't far away but relationship doesn't exist for almost 10 years to date. I can't tell close family members because they love Audrey so much it will break their heart and as someone from Africa married to a European it but perhaps confirms their thoughts towards european attitudes towards marriage. I guess this may be the reason I am so emotionally bonded with my wife.

I have been trying to win her heart and she's now tell me she loves me (so much occasionally). I really want to believe that but deep down I think she says this to make me feel better and not cause myself harm. We've been taking more this days but not too deep. However, she's taken the opportunity to blame me to are infidelity- saying, it's because I am been treating her badly which was something we've both done to each other in my view. She continues to give excuses that she thinks I didn't love her again etc I said to her what is done, is done and it's how we move forward now that counts even though I felt angry about the way she portrays things and can't just admit that was wrong and will make it up to me if indeed it was a genuine mistake. This continues to make me feel there may be not hope in going on when God 1st and hope is the thing I am holding on to now.

I am thinking to myself, why can't we just talk, talk about every single thing that brought us to this stage openly without lies, forgive each other, help each other forget the pain, make compromises on both sides and build love and trust again? I am open to this on the other hand without pointing a finger, my wife wants this too but only in words without action which was confirm last night and throughout the week by doing the same stuffs that made me angry which in turn made her angry and all other stories that brought us to the current state. She said, if we're going to be together, a lot of things must change. This refers to only me changing which is but what I badly wanted.

I don't know how long I can keep giving and have rubbish thrown in my face and I don't know how I can break or limit my emotional attachment to my wife if the only thing I ever wanted is to prove beyond doubt that I love her I want to spend the rest of my life with her, making her happy. How can I do this, when I am madly still in-love despite all this, unhappy how I am being treated, and in fear of not fulfilling her happiness?

I am going to talk today to someone us with counselling in addition to the other one we're waiting for.

Special thanks, to all of you that has contributed so far and please don't hesitate to keep contributing. I can't pay you for this but hope and pray that you all find everlasting happiness and joy.
sjimoh
Regular Visitor
Regular Visitor
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Thu Jan 08, 2015 8:43 am

Re: Does my wife still love me?

Postby snail » Wed Jan 14, 2015 10:03 pm

It must make it so much harder for you if you can't confide all this in anyone close. Did you say you're having some extra counselling yourself in addition to the couples counselling? I think that might really help. At least you know you are doing all you can. Remember that, while things like this are awful to go through and sometimes you can't imagine how you could ever be happy again, they DO pass.

If you feel desperate to talk to a real person about how you're feeling, at any time of the day or night, the Samaritans are always there to talk to. Their number is 08457 90 90 90.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

Najwa Zebian
User avatar
snail
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 4347
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2007 8:59 pm
Location: Your guess is as good as mine.
Gender: Female

Re: Does my wife still love me?

Postby sjimoh » Mon Jan 19, 2015 1:12 am

Thanks again snail,

I can remember someone telling me about Samaritans a while ago.

We're still on the waiting list for couple counselling, we've just had an in-take. It feels like it's going to take forever to get a slot. But thankfully, we've been to church and they're helping us with counselling. I have to able to speak just on my own which makes me feel a lot better and less worried as the first time wasn't that great because she was unhappy and I was cautious about what I say in other not to further anger her. Nevertheless, I was please that she at least attended and put in some effort. Whether it's a genuine effort or not, time will tell. However I really hope things work out great for us.

I hope this pain passes sooner rather than later. I hope for the ability to forgive and forget completely. We'll eventually get to this stage at church but that is for later meetings. I forgave my wife almost immediately from finding out about this, but to be honest I didn't think it will be an issue with imagining stuffs which is probably as important as forgiveness. I suppose forgiving and forgetting goes hand in hand.

Anyway, I hope I can bring positive news as to how we've progressed in the next few weeks.

Thanks a million for your support guys
sjimoh
Regular Visitor
Regular Visitor
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Thu Jan 08, 2015 8:43 am


Return to Girlfriends & Boyfriends - Husbands & Wives

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests

cron