Unsure & confused needs help please

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Unsure & confused needs help please

Postby Cinderbarrow67 » Tue Jan 13, 2015 4:56 pm

Hi, new to this but here goes in the hope of some constructive help or advice or maybe someone has been in a similar situation.

I have been with my husband now for 12 years, married nearly 7. He is 62 & I am 47 although our age gap isn't the issue & has caused a problem. Always got on well, even the same starsign.

Going through a difficult time at present. Probably going back a couple of years ago, our relationship seemed to be fading, we stopped talking, no communication & pushed each other away. We are in debt also & lack of money doesn't help.

Firstly, I would just like to say that up until 12 months ago, he has been a great husband, had some lovely holidays & I have never had reason to doubt him.

Around April/May last year, I was awoken in the early hours with the usual snoring, which also doesn't help any relationship. I went to make a cuppa. Being a woman, I had a nagging feeling in my mind & my intuition kicked in to say something wasn't quite right. I made my tea & then decided to have a little root through his man bag that he keeps closely with him & takes everywhere. In it, I found, hidden in a black plastic sunglasses case, a small samsung flip phone. Never seen this phone before nor had I heard it go off. I switched it on. What I saw shocked me immensely. My legs went like jelly & I felt physically sick. There were contacts, messages & lewd pictures of men. Gay ones, passing comments & arranging meetings too. I have never had cause to doubt my husband's sexuality & we have had a good sex life up until it faded off. I was hurt, angry, very upset & still am to this day. Because I was so angry I went straight to solicitors & started divorce proceedings. I could not believe what was happening to me & it felt like a bad dream.

After he received the divorce papers, reality kicked in & we sat & talked, cried, shouted, about the whole sorry mess. He said he was messing around, it was a fantasy of his, he tried it, didn't like it, was remorsefully sorry & that he felt ashamed. I could not believe he thought so little of me or our marriage vows to behave like this.

I put the divorce proceedings on hold at that time. We talked a lot & I tried my best to understand why, he said it wasn't personal to me, just purely for his own sexual gratification. To which I replied you turned a fantasy into reality & played a very dangerous game. Around this time, his behaviour was also did, over explaining things, couldn't keep still for long, smoking more, pacing around. Guilty conscience probably.

After seeking online help from Relate, we decided to try & plod through. Christmas was awful, lack of money, motivation & generally feeling rubbish about life. I have recently found out I am on the change & am on meds for this. Hormonal activities can play a crucial part in any relationship but rather than be supportive, talk it through, he decides to go find it elsewhere.

I having become insecure in our marriage now & every row we have it gets thrown up. We have come to the conclusion that we are better off apart. We will be separating at some point this year. I also have a teenage daughter to think about too. She & him don't get along that great now & sometimes the atmosphere in the house is awful. We all sit in separate rooms. My family don't like him & my mum decided he was no longer welcome in our family. Just the extra pressure I didn't need. This in turn led to me falling out with my mum & not speaking to her for 6 months. We have since made our peace thank God. We are trying to keep things amicable for the moment. We are both hurting silently on a daily basis, him prob more than me. I don't think for one minute he thought about everything he was about to lose in his moment of madness. He is also under pressure with work too.

He decided at weekend that he needs a break & still has some holidays left to take. He has booked himself a 5 day break to Cyprus mid Feb. Once I found out, he lied about paying for it & said he had secured it with a pound. What sort of person does he think I am? I found out that the bank have recently upped the credit limit on his visa credit card so he used that. I never knew about this, have no spare cash to my name but he can book holiday because HE needs a break? Massive row ensued again. Insensitive is probably an understatement as he will be away on Valentine's & all because I mentioned we weren't doing anything this year. After all, it is for loved up couples.

So, that's where I am at, off work feeling sorry for myself & will never trust another man ever again.

Thanks for listening sorry about the essay. Any help or advice would be much appreciated. X
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Re: Unsure & confused needs help please

Postby snail » Wed Jan 14, 2015 10:20 pm

Going back to Relate and going through proper face-to-face counselling might help. At the least it might enable you to split more amicably. It sounds as though you still have a lot of unresolved feelings about the marriage and haven't expressed all your anger or all your pain fully - your post here is essentially pain and anger. You might find that you feel a lot better if you can get some more of this out.

I can imagine how desperately he wants to get away from the house and the burden of all this. He probably knows booking the break for himself was a pretty horrible thing to do but he wanted it so much he didn't care. Could you and your daughter have some sort of a break too (a free one), such as a visit to a relative? I think you yourself would also benefit immensely from getting away from this situation for a while, even if it's just a long weekend.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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