Need advice on girlfriend

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Need advice on girlfriend

Postby Stark » Tue Jan 20, 2015 10:32 am

Hi, firstly I apologise on the length of this post and thank you for taking the time to read through. Where to start. I have been seeing my girlfriend for a year and 3 months... She is my first serious relationship and I really love her. However, there's been a few problems. It all started when we were dating, she told me she had slept with 20+ guys in the past (I thought the number was high) but I didn't want to judge as that was her past and I was her present. However she had a list of every single guy she slept with still on her phone. She told me at the beginning of the relationship that she had slept with a man who was engaged once when she was drunk, which recently I have found out to be untrue as I looked on her emails and found out she had an 8 month affair with him, even after he was married. She slept with him twice at work (works as a lifeguard) and once in her house when her parents were away. This affair only apparently stopped a few months before we started seeing each other and she was the one leading it. She previously slept with a guy who had a girlfriend (apparently my girlfriend thought they had broken up) and kissed another guy when out drinking when she was with a past boyfriend. That's not to also say she has a massive scar on her back where she had a one night stand on a stairway in a hotel on holiday which I find really unattractive. She has slept with men in bushes and don't sexual things with guys in clubs. What I'm trying to say is, this isn't the girl i fell in love with! This has all came out over the past year and not always from her telling me usually from me finding out through other means. Throughout the relationship she says she hasn't cheated, although she repeatedly kisses guys on the lips when out drinking which really hurts, I have told her lots of times I wish she didn't do this and she says she will stop but never does. She flirts with other guys too and just says it's an old habit which she needs to get rid off. 4 months into the relationship I looked on her phone and found out she was planning to go visit a guy in Scotland she had slept with before we met by herself. She was setting him and saying they were going to meet up. I gave her another chance by have never trusted her since. She had exes as her snapchat favourites and when we were dating even went for secret walks with a male "friend" after work late at night, he even told his girlfriend he was playing football!! She planned to go visit a guy down London a month ago she met in Brazil with his fiancée two years ago for two days, she messaged him allot until I asked her to stop and to not go down to London. She says she has done all this due to low self of steam. I do love her so much and I am not sure if I am excessively am getting jealous and have trust issues or if what she is doing is leading me to think this way. She says she loves me and wants children and marriage but I can't commit do that until I can completely trust her. What is a relationship without trust!? Nothing! That's why I want us to work and for me to trust her. Sorry for the rant and any advice given would be appreciated!!! I just don't know weather to leave her, which will break my heart or stay and fight for what we have. Thanks
Stark
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Re: Need advice on girlfriend

Postby Tucco » Tue Jan 20, 2015 7:22 pm

To be honest at the beginning of your post I was thinking what is past is past, but then I read on, your GF obviously has commitment issues and has a more liberal view on sex and relationships than you do.
You stated that she was planning to meet a" friend" while in a relationship with you? This does not sound good at all given her previous history.
To be honest if you do not trust her at this relatively early stage my advice would be to move on and save yourself the heartache.
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Re: Need advice on girlfriend

Postby Nomad » Tue Jan 20, 2015 7:30 pm

Hi Stark. Wow, I really feel for you. It is so painful when you are so emotionally attached to someone who is so openly hurting you. I'm really sorry to say this, and it may not be what you want to hear, but you need to get out of there pronto. No doubts or qualms on that.

She is right, she has low self esteem (and some), but what she is doing is damaging you with her own deep problems. The longer you let her behave in such an appalling and disrespectful way towards you, the more damage it will do your own heart. You need to step away and let her deal with her issues and get on with your life. I know it will be so very hard and you will have to give yourself time to get over her, but you deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you in return. And, like you rightly say, who you can trust - VITAL!

You said it in your own words "have never trusted her since". How can you trust her again. It's not even just one incident, there is an enormous list of bad behaviour. If I am honest, even if I knew those things about someone and it had been before my relationship I am not sure I would stay - big red flag that this person has some real problems. And you also say how you have even asked her not to do things (eg kiss boys on the lips in greeting) and she does it anyway. Deal breaker. She is openly attention seeking and deliberately upsetting you and it is not acceptable.

She is your first relationship, don't let this scar you for true and sincere relationships to come - life is too short to be treated that way. This is not love.

It may help to read some articles about personal boundaries so that you can protect yourself from being hurt in other relationships. I am 36 and I am only just learning some big lessons having repeated mistakes over and over, so all the best to you and do the right thing for you. x
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Re: Need advice on girlfriend

Postby sjimoh » Tue Jan 20, 2015 10:06 pm

Hi Stark,

I really feel your pain, I think it's a good thing you found out at this early stage. It makes it easier in many ways that you're not married or with children.

This doesn't look good pal but I am going to try to be positive. It is possible that you can trust her again. However you both will have some serious work to do. You need help pal if you want to remain with your gf

Relationship isn't an easy things even when things are smooth, rosy and jolly. Only you know how much you love her and how much more you can give to maintain or take your relationship to the next level.

If you really love her and emotionally attached to her that you can't be without her then you both must always communicate, must get professional help (counselling) and you must find out if she genuinely loves you or just use you to have a sense of security or and purpose. If you can mange to determine that she really love you and can't be without you and you still feel the same way about her, you have to find out why she does what she does and work hard to ensure that only you fulfil all her needs and desires she gets from other men. (it's hard for me to write this pal)

This is something that is likely going to take you a life time, give it some months, if you notice positive changes- keep at it and get better at it. If no positive changes then I am sure you'll know what to do, but ensure all she remembers about you is how kind you were and how you tirelessly tried to make it work and make her happy.

It really easy for me to write this, however hard I it. But taking action when you feel as you do is a lot harder, I know it because I am in a mess myself. So if you love her that much, your work as just begun.

I wish you happiness and joy
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Re: Need advice on girlfriend

Postby Tarantula » Wed Jan 21, 2015 12:10 am

This girl is running rings around you and no amount of talking is going to change that unless SHE wants to change.

I fear that above post has made it sound like you don't love her enough if you leave, and if you do love her, then you have 'work' to do. But there is no glory in being a doormat, regardless of how you feel. You can love her more than anything, that doesn't mean you should stay. You need to love yourself MORE.

Enough to respect your own boundaries. Enough to realise how bad the situation really is. She is kissing other guys. Just that alone is so disrespectful. But you keep taking it. And she knows that. Don't think she hasn't noticed that she can do whatever and you'll still hang around. She knows and is very comfortable with that arrangement - an arrangement that is costing YOU your self esteem and potential happiness with a future partner who doesn't mess you around.

Don't be that guy.

You need to leave. Well. You need to have ONE, and I mean ONE shot at talking to her from the heart, to see if that 0.0001% chance of her magically changing her ways is going to come true; but if she says anything less than

'boyfriend, I am, as of this moment, wholly aware of just how much my behaviour has negatively affected you, and I feel ashamed of myself and simply don't wanna be like this anymore; the stakes are too high, you are too important to me - even if my past behaviour doesn't show that. I am so sorry, I am going to prove it by taking a searching moral inventory of myself in order to discover why I do the things I do, and then I'm going to take steps to change it. I know I don't deserve another chance or for you to hold a light for me, but I promise things are going to be different from now on. I know I've been so selfish to only think of me and my issues, and even to feel justified in what I've been doing. I'm going to get over myself and do right by you.'

Anything less than THAT, and you need to leave. Oh, hang on - THAT, followed by instant deletion of ALL exes and a month of kissing your backside. Then maybe, MAYBE there could be something to salvage here.

I mean that's just for starters. It's gonna take something inspirational from here. Something extraordinary that basically never happens because people don't do things like that... then again I believe in miracles. And a miracle is what it's gonna take. From HER, not you.

Realistically, it's over, or it ought to be. You need to look after YOU. So much depends on that. The stakes are so high, you have no idea. She never gonna respect you - nor anybody - if you don't respect yourself. That doesn't condone her behaviour at all. But. Certainly if she had respect for you, she'd at least have the decency to break up with you before effectively cheating. And obviously nobody would be the slightest bit surprised if she actually has cheated in full.
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Re: Need advice on girlfriend

Postby Stark » Tue Jan 27, 2015 7:40 pm

Thanks for the kind and supportive replys, it really means allot that people care, so thank you. I have had a chat with my girlfriend and she promises to show me that she will change. This is her last chance and I love her so think she is worth fighting for... Let's just see what happens!
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