He dumped me because I didn't text for three hours.

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He dumped me because I didn't text for three hours.

Postby Tarantula » Mon Jan 26, 2015 1:46 am

Hi all

Some of you know the story with the Italian. He's a paranoid jealous nutcase with strong narcissistic tendencies. I'm an angel. Well, no. But I'm the doormat who took it.

We were on and off for a couple months, then separate for 7 weeks, then reconciled before Xmas. Since then I thought things were stable enough, he made effort, I made effort, no jealousy BS (or much less, anyway), then BAM. I go round my friend's house on Friday night for her birthday get-together. She lives up the road so I decide to leave my phone at home.

Three hours. He dumps me over text when I get back, telling me to find somebody else as he's convinced I cheated and spent the evening with a guy.

I went hysterical. I hit my lowest low in about three years. I kept calling and calling and he wouldn't pick up, so I spammed his whatsapp to oblivion, mixtures of reassurance and fury at the sheer injustice of it all. He kept telling me to go away as he needed to sleep. He ended up blocking me because I refused to shut up until he took it back, which he never did, of course.

The next day (yesterday) he unblocks and asks how I'm feeling and I said I'd hit my lowest point in three years. He did not reply. So I text again about five hours later. He told me he'd injured his leg playing football and was really upset. At night I went out with my girlfriends and text him again after a few drinks (it's always me to say the last thing and he just stops replying). I spent the whole night trying to reassure him. I even L bombed him, (the cazzo didn't even acknowledge it) and gave him a super detailed explanation as to why I left my phone at home - everything from simply wanting to focus on my friend as I hadn't seen her in a while, to my phone being low on battery anyway, to me thinking we were stable enough that I could go out without texting and NOT get dumped.

He just kept saying I'd cheated. Which is utter madness. Normally you'd expect there to be SOME hint, some kind of evidence, something a bit dodgy but I SWEAR there is NOTHING. We'd been spending TONS of time together and I am ALWAYS loving and affectionate and COMMITTED (you can see that I'm desperate for someone to acknowledge this). I am the last person on EARTH who would ever cheat on anyone, let alone him! All I ever do is bore my friends with how great I think he is. Even that night, at my friend's house, I was happy to tell them that it was going well.

I am simply gobsmacked, shellshocked, and horrified. Frustrating doesn't begin to cover it. I am being jailed for a crime I never committed. It is so wrong, and so so cruel. I couldn't stop crying all Friday night well into Saturday 7-8am. I went utterly crazy. I'm sad to say I even fantasised about topping myself just to make him realise. Nothing in the Universe mattered more to me in those hours than hearing him say 'okay, I take it back. You didn't cheat on me.'

It felt like such an assault on my character and left me severely emotionally debilitated. The best I got from him last night, before I slipped into another restless 3-hour sleep, is 'maybe' we will discuss it at some point, but he wasn't in a good mood to talk about it now.

The only other 'encouraging' thing he said at any point was that my stated reasons for leaving my phone at home made sense, and that he thinks it's nearly impossible, given his direct experience of me, that I cheated. This was shortly followed by more accusations that I'd cheated. Like he was schizophrenic. In the same breath he both told me it was nearly impossible, and told me that I'd done it.

At first, I wanted nothing more than to comfort him and try to understand him and be the rescuer. I wanted so badly to be the One Girl who could save him from his disturbed mind. The One he can trust. I even thought there was some sick glory in my suffering, to go down a Martyr, to never give up on 'love', to never abandon him.

Yet I feel abandoned. He has dropped me completely out of the blue. This has caused me immense pain and I feel completely worthless.

I even posted 'in need of a friend' in the small hours on FB which I NEVER do; I never post personal stuff on FB. Fortunately some people responded and stayed up all night with me, my brother as ever, leading the recovery effort. I deleted the post later.

Today I've been with my friends all day and I feel so much better for it. He hasn't been in touch, and neither have I - a profound personal victory for me. My view on the whole thing has fluctuated immensely and continuously and I'm SO exhausted from going over and over it in my head. I just wanted to be with him and care for him and build with him. I really didn't deserve this.

I'm 50/50 as to whether he'll ever even speak to me again. It's mind boggling to think, as the last time I saw him we were so close, and now, he refuses to see me or speak to me on the phone. How can he be so cold?

If he contacts, it's going to take al I have to tell him to get lost.
I'm terrified, from here, that I will not.
He has made me question the very core of what I stand for, he has razed me to the ground, he has reduced me to a girl I never thought I'd be.

In other words, I did this to myself and it's my responsibility to rebuild myself so that I never end up here again.

If I don't respond with 100% enthusiasm if he gets in touch, he'll simply and effortlessly drop me again for maybe days or weeks until I text. Until I learn my lesson. He has managed down my expectations to far that I'm begging the Universe for a 'hey'.

One more thing about him: he never apologises. He never admits he got it wrong. It is ALWAYS my fault. He says I'm too sensitive.

Textbook, right?


I feel bad to give up on him but to what end? I am plagued by the image of the Perfect, Classy, Disciplined Woman who he's going to meet and change for, and then I balem myself for not being worth it to him. At the same time I feel sure that he will NEVER find a better person than me to help him, and can only go downhill in his dating choices from here, unless he changes himself. Who is going to put up with it? Only a vegetable woman would put up with it, surely.

I feel ashamed that that was ME for a while.

I feel scared that it will continue to be me.

I should not even be considering EVER reconciling after this, but if I WAS to consider it, then it should be if he gives a thorough apology followed by agreement to see a therapist and dramatically change his life, and kissing my backside until Kingdom come. Then MAYBE.

Yet all he has to do is say 'hey' and I will struggle not to get hooked back in.

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Re: He dumped me because I didn't text for three hours.

Postby rufio89 » Mon Jan 26, 2015 12:06 pm

What are you doing Tarantula?

We've been through this. You've posted about this guy before.

He's BAD NEWS. I've been there, you know this. You know my story with W and how I kept going back because he was so magnetic when things were good and I thought if I could just show him how good I could be, that maybe he'd stop breaking up with me for no reason.

He won't.

Get away from him, please. You're hurting yourself.

I honestly think it's time you go and talk to someone. This isn't about him, 3 years ago you, pre-ex, would NEVER have taken this jelly. He wouldn't have even caught your eye.

You're caught in a trap of low self esteem, he represents the opposite of what you didn't like about your ex, and you're overcorrecting in a massive way. But it's hurting you, it's making you weaker, and the weaker you get the harder it'll be to get away.

If you read someone of the things I posted about W and about how I felt back that, this is almost exactly the same so believe me when I say I know how you feel and how hard it is to stay away, but you HAVE to.

So what if he ends up alone? That's his problem. You're better than this, you're better than him and you HAVE TO GET OUT.

You're obviously very unhappy at the moment, I really think you should see a Doctor.

And you know where I am xxxxxx
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Re: He dumped me because I didn't text for three hours.

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Jan 26, 2015 1:20 pm

This guy is probably assuming you cheated in a three hour slot because he judges people by his own behaviour !!!!!

I agree with Rufio
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

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