Breaking up is hard to do- ADVICE PLEASE

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Breaking up is hard to do- ADVICE PLEASE

Postby dirty little secret » Mon Jan 26, 2015 6:36 pm

Hello everyone,

I am new here and I want to share my story/problem. And hopefully you can give me some good advice.

I'm not originally from this country and I came here to join my mom (and her British husband, my stepdad) when I was 19yrs old. We already don't have a good relationship and coming here to live here with them was awful. We fought and did not get on, so I decided to moved out of their house when I met a guy online who happened to be my partner of 5 years now. He is 29 years older than me.

He is a kind guy, loving and attentive. He is patience and understanding. I am not a very easy person to live with as I have a lot of issues but he is able to tolerate me. At first the age gap wasn't an issue. I expected him to be my knight in shining armor as I thought I needed saving before. I learnt a lot from him which made me a better person now.

I know from the very start that I am not in love with him but as time goes by I started to love and care for him. I am very dependent on him and I have the feeling that he likes it. I am convince that no other man can love me the way he loves me. That I will end up very disappointed if ever I break up with him and find another guy.

We are completely different individual. Because I am younger, my interest evolve around him which doesn't give me my own personality. There are a lot of things I want to do but I cant afford it. As we both get older, I want to learn and try more things. But because he is a lot older, he already explored a lot of things and to be honest we can't afford to do anything. So I end up feeling bored and frustrated most of the time.

Within 5 years of being together, I learn things about him that he never told me before. Some of them I learnt to accept. I found out he was in a financial crisis before we met. I am not good with handling money and I woke up one day I have £10,000 outstanding credit balance in my CC and my I am overdrawn. One of the reason for this is because I helped him few times financially. For the last 5 years I have never been on holiday and never really enjoyed myself. There are a lot of moments in our relationship when I just want to get out of it. But I always find reason not to. Because I was scared and I am comfortable being with someone.

I haven't spoken to my mom for nearly 6 years. My pride can't take it to phone her and ask for help. To be honest I am dreading to live on my own as I cant really afford it. I can only afford to rent a room and the thought of sharing a house is scaring me. ATM I am very comfortable where I live but I know that if I continue being with him I am going to be more in debt.

Also, I don't have friends. The only friends I know are from work which I really don't want to disclose my problems. I am scared that when I break up with him, I dont have anybody to talk to. That I will be so lonely.

He is very sweet and intimate, kisses and hugs, but it's been now nearly 3 years since we had sex. Recently, I was so horny and I put an ad on Craiglist for NSA fun. I did not meant for it to happened, I thought I was only going to mess about by emails but it happened. I had sex with another guy. I am very ashamed but surprisingly I don'y feel guilty. I stopped seeing the guy now.

I have discussed my issues with him before and what I feel, but he seems not to take it on board and continue to ignore me.

I really want to get out of this relationship. But I am so scared.........

Any advice is welcome and will be greatly appreciated! thank you in advance.
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Re: Breaking up is hard to do- ADVICE PLEASE

Postby Tarantula » Tue Jan 27, 2015 3:29 pm

I don't know where to begin with pointing out everything that is unhealthy about your relationship.

Basically, long story cut short, he picked you when you were vulnerable, running away from a bad home and family, and it was easy for him to target you due to you being so naive and hungry for love.

Now he's the cause of your financial debt. And we can assume he's getting sex elsewhere because why would he go without.

You need to get out of this and learn to live life on your own (said tarantula).

There are so many layers to this problem that I don't know how to give specific advice.

All I can tell you is that he's a predator, an immature man and has taken advantage of you for financial and probably sexual gain. And what did you get out of it? Some affection?

It's quite sad. You need to get out.

But even once you get out I think you will struggle to NOT meet another unsuitable person.

There is so much to deal with but what it comes down to is this:

How do you want your future to be?
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Re: Breaking up is hard to do- ADVICE PLEASE

Postby dirty little secret » Tue Jan 27, 2015 9:26 pm

Hi Tarantula,

Thank you very much for reading my post and giving me advice.

To be honest, I was a little bit relieved that I ended up with him because at least he is half decent guy and I learnt a lot of things which made me a better person. I am also to be blame with the financial issue, I am not good with money.

My personal issue and my choice of guys has probably something to do with what happened to me in the past during childhood. I know I have personal stuff that I need to sort out.

I used to be cynical and I know I am in danger of probably dying alone and lonely because I push people away. I haven't spoken to my family over 5 years. But that is my choice and I have a pretty good reason for it. Problem with me is that I hold grudges and I find it very hard to forget and forgive.

I don't know if he's sleeping around, he has got issue and problem which one of the things I just learn about him after I moved in with him. But remember, i was the one who slept with other guy. I am ashamed, but as I said somehow I dont feel guilty which is very surprising.

Future? That is a very interesting question. Almost an eye opener... I want to be happy, contented and fulfilled. I want to find real love and feel real love. I want o have lots of people around me that loves me and I can love them in return. But first I need to sort myself, there is a lot of rebuilding I need to do for myself. But I am really finding it hard to make the first step... I am 27 years old, I need to grow up. But it is really hard...
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Re: Breaking up is hard to do- ADVICE PLEASE

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Jan 28, 2015 2:27 pm

As you are not really sure what you want to do and you are worried about being alone if you break up why not start making some new friends.
Take up a new hobby, lots of stuff is free or relatively cheap. Joining an amateur dramatics society, or even being a helper for the theatre if you don't enjoy the acting side.
You may find once you have your own interests and feel less reliant you can make a better decision or you may even work things out and find you can stay if you have more going on in your life.
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

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Re: Breaking up is hard to do- ADVICE PLEASE

Postby dirty little secret » Wed Jan 28, 2015 8:28 pm

Thanks Bel Bel.

I am starting to make friends and I just recently enrolled a course at our local college. I just hope one day I can find the courage to break free. ATM I am finding it really hard.
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Re: Breaking up is hard to do- ADVICE PLEASE

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Jan 29, 2015 1:39 pm

building up your own life will help give you the confidence to do something. it sounds like you aren't quite ready yet
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