How Do I Move On From a Control Freak?

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How Do I Move On From a Control Freak?

Postby Buggy » Tue Jan 27, 2015 9:41 pm

Hello there,

I am a new member and desperately needs advice.

I was with my boyfriend for eight years. We lived together for four. Almost from the moment we moved in together my bf stepped into local politics. All the way through the time we lived together he was often out for days and evenings, leaving me alone, living hundreds of miles from my family. I didn't mind this at all. I ran the house (did all the chores) ran his business (so he could do his council duties) and assisted in his political life (sorted out his diary etc, posted all his xmas cards). I thought we were happy.

From a couple of weeks of living together I spotted the first signs of control. We lived on the seafront but was only allowed the heating on for a hour a day (he timed it). I thought at first it was because we had just brought the house and money was tight. But this carrried on through subsequent winters. I am overweight due to polycystic ovaries and initially encouraged me when I joined Weightwatchers. However, this was another tool to control me with and he told me what I could eat, what I couldnt' and how much food (I used to have Christmas day off and he would at 11.40pm time me so I could eat for twenty mintues then take chocolate/biscuits off me). He told me how to wear my hair, what clothes to wear. Even though he never stopped me from seeing my family he made it so uncomfortable for me (he disliked my mother) that I felt awkward inviting them to stay.

In July of last year I was told I couldn't have children without IVF. He shouted at me outside the hospital and marched off in a huff.

In July I also discovered my bf was having a emotional affair. His behaviour changed and I will admit I went down his Facebook messages. In three months my BF and his new love exchanged not short of 17,000 private messages on FB. He told her that she made his heart beat faster, that he couldn't wait till 12pm when he could talk to her and that in the three months he knew her he had never been happier. Whenever I came up in discussions his other woman ignored all comments like I didn't exist. He dumped me after I got upset and protested over the relationship, asking (not demanding) he cut her off. When he asked me to get back with him I said no and moved out.

The problem I'm experiencing, and what I need help with, is I feel so angry with him. I did everything for him, tried to support him in all he did, yet he did this to me. And I'm really, really scared after being controlled. If I buy so much as a chocolate bar I get scared for some reason even though he lives at the other end of the country and couldn't care less. I'm scared of my own shadow now, I can't even seem to think for myself. It's like he still has such power over me.

And he walks around, where I used to live, being admired by every one in the community because of his political role. Everyone feels sorry for him as he puts on this front of being so nice and caring. I have even been bullied via FB being called all manner of names because I dared to leave my saintly boyfriend. What on earth do I do to get my old self back. How do I move on from control and then cruel betrayal?

Thanks.
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Re: How Do I Move On From a Control Freak?

Postby dirty little secret » Wed Jan 28, 2015 3:49 am

Phew! that was a good escape! No one deserves to be with someone who is that controlling. It messes up with your self esteem and confidence.

Well done for breaking up with him. Some people, like me, can find it difficult to break free but you got over it.

Now, you are angry, I would too! but try to focus your anger towards working your issues. It doesn't matter what's going on with his life right now. It doesn't matter what he is doing. What matter is you and only you! You physically broke free from him, now you need to mentally and emotionally break free. He only have power over you if you allow him.

How do you get your old self back? Distract yourself from thinking about him. Refocus your attention. Try new hobbies, make new friends, go out with old friends. Try counselling. Its difficult, but one baby step at a time.... you'll get there I'm sure.

Best of luck.
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Re: How Do I Move On From a Control Freak?

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Jan 28, 2015 2:15 pm

cognitive therapy is great for these kinds of issues, you can do this with self help books or visit a therapist if you can afford it
The one below is excellent and I know a couple of people who have turned themselves around or at least got a better control of their situation and emotions

http://www.amazon.com/Taming-Your-Greml ... 0060520221
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Re: How Do I Move On From a Control Freak?

Postby Buggy » Wed Jan 28, 2015 6:49 pm

Thank you dirty little secret for your reply. I have to admit that someone who is usually very levelled on a even keel I am utterly resentful of my ex because he makes me feel so unbalanced in a way.

I am making little steps into a new life but when you've been controlled it's hard to know how to act or what to do.

But still, there is a wonderful world out there to be discovered. :-)
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Re: How Do I Move On From a Control Freak?

Postby Buggy » Wed Jan 28, 2015 6:51 pm

Thank you Bel Bel. I will have a look into getting that book.
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Re: How Do I Move On From a Control Freak?

Postby dirty little secret » Wed Jan 28, 2015 8:45 pm

You are on a right track Buggy. You broke up with him and you stick with your guns. You took a big step there and now just some more little step and you'll get over him but you may not get over the experience and the effect it had on you but at least lesson learnt.

You have got a lot to offer to others and to yourself, I have no doubt you will be your old self again. But this time, you'll be much more wiser.

Goodluck!
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Re: How Do I Move On From a Control Freak?

Postby Buggy » Wed Jan 28, 2015 8:57 pm

Thank you dirty little secret. It's hard but I feel I'm making progress to a degree. At times I feel wracked with guilt not getting back with him as I know he has been upset. But once a cheat and a controller always a cheat and a controller.

I hope one day I'll meet someone more suited to me. :-)
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Re: How Do I Move On From a Control Freak?

Postby dirty little secret » Wed Jan 28, 2015 9:02 pm

There is a possibility that people can change. But in your case, its best not to give him another look. What you need to understand is that he may be upset but he caused you a lot of pain and distress. You don't really want to be in that situation again.

I'm sure one day you will find what your looking for!
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