I don't love him

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I don't love him

Postby NoAngel84 » Wed Jan 28, 2015 6:28 pm

Sorry for the really long post but if anyone takes the time to read this and replies I will be extremely grateful.

I am so desperately unhappy with my life. I met my husband 10 years ago just after the end of a bad on/off relationship with someone I was deeply in love with. When I met him, he was so sweet and kind and treated me so well. It was new to me to be with someone who treated me like this, I hadnt had many boyfriends growing up and he really did treat me like a princess and was constantly telling me how beautiful I was. And I admit, it felt good to be able to show my ex that someone else wanted me. So I guess I got swept away with this perfect new guy, who really genuinely liked me, and although I wasnt particularly attracted to him, I did really like him as a person. Things were great for a while, we got on amazingly, had a lot in common, and I was happy. It wasnt long before he was telling me he loved me, and as I was quite happy with him I suppose I felt obliged to say it back even though I didnt really mean it.

Anyway, fast forward 10 years and we are now married with 2 beautiful little boys, we have a decent house and between us make enough money to have a comfortable life. So why am I so unhappy? Because I still dont love him. I guess I always thought that maybe I would grow to love him, and I do love his as a friend, my best friend. But I dont love him the way I should love my husband, and I am not in the least bit attracted to him.  I find sex with him, and particularly kissing, very difficult as there is just no attraction there and I avoid it as much as I reasonably can. I obviously sleep with him often enough to keep him happy, but I find myself staring at the ceiling praying for it to be over, avoiding kissing, and I have even on some occasions, been in tears afterwards beacuse I hate it so much.

He has no idea I feel like this, he just thinks I havent got much of a sex drive. But I have, I want sex, and I used to love kissing, but now I hate it. I find myself sometimes daydreaming about celebrity men, or even men I know, and often think about them when we have sex, just to get myself through it without crying. I have only ever had sex with my husband and my ex, I didnt even lose my virginity til I was 20 years old because I wanted it to be with someone I was in love with, and now it kills me to have to have sex regularly with someone I dont love. I crave being with someone I love and am attracted to, its all I can think about lately. I see couples in love on tv or in the street and it breaks my heart to know that I am never going to have that, never going to feel those feelings for someone, never going to have that passionate kind of kiss again. And I cant even remember what it feels like to actually be sexually attracted to someone.

I know I should have left him years ago, when I had the chance, before we had children, but I've never been a very self confident person, and have put on a lot of weight over the years so I have even less confidence now. He was also quite controlling when we first got together, which I didnt realise at the time, but I have lost all my old friends since being with him as he hated me going out with them and would always persuade me not to. Eventually they stopped asking. The only friends I have now are ones I've met through becoming a mum. I did think about leaving him on many occasions but just never had the confidence to do it as I had no friends, and just couldnt imagine anyone else wanting me.

Another thing that makes me unhappy is he has quite old fashioned views and attitudes about how a wife should be, which isnt his fault, its how he was brought up as his father is a pig of a man! But I solely am responsible for all the housework, cooking, cleaning, laundry, looking after the kids, and i work 3 days a week too. I have begged him for some help but I never get any. I have no time to myself, have no social life and spend my entire existence looking after him and my kids. I wouldnt mind, but I never wanted to have kids in the first place, I always told him that from the start, but he somehow managed to coerce me into it. I love them to bits and I wouldnt be without them for the world now but I cant help feeling that if it wasnt for them I wouldnt have to endure this life with him. I will never leave him because I dont want to upset my kids or destroy their childhoods. I came from a family with married parents and I want them to have the same. I dont want to have to split them between the two of us, or ever have to spend a Christmas Day without them, that would kill me. So I know I have to stay with him and try to make it work, for them, I owe it to them. Most of the time I am ok with it and I accept the fact that I have to sacrifice my happiness for theirs, but some days I just get so down and its all I can think about. I feel like I am trapped in a prison that I created myself. 

I cant tell you how many fantasies I've had about leaving, or meeting and falling in love with another man, or even having an affair etc. I know I would never go through with it for my kids sake but sometimes these thoughts completely consume me and take over my life. I want him to go out or go for a run, put the kids to bed or take them to their Nans, so that I can be alone with my thoughts. He doesnt deserve this, he is a good man, he works hard and is an amazing father. All he has ever done is love me, and still tells me it all the time, and is always saying how much he fancies me, even after 10 years and 2 babies! Why cant I just make myself love him???  I feel like I am going insane, I'm sure my mental health is suffering as a result as bottling all this up for so long. I am even considering going to the doctors for anti-depressants because I just dont feel normal, except when I am on my own pretending to be someone else.

I cant talk to anyone, I feel like I'm acting my way through life always pretending to be happy, and not one person knows how I really feel. I would just want love to speak to someone who is maybe in the same boat as me. For someone to reassure me that I am doing the right thing by my kids and that I am not the only one who feels like this?
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Re: I don't love him

Postby Buggy » Wed Jan 28, 2015 7:27 pm

Hi

I know you said you will never leave because of the children but the only way out of the "prison" you say you've created is to do just that. You are desperately unhappy, I can sense that, and probably your children can pick up on it too, and most likely your husband. Do you really want to spend the rest of your live living a lie, having sex that makes you feel ill? Do you not think that you and your husband deserve a full life, not a life that isn't real? I have been where you are. Desperately unhappy but too scared to leave. But something has to give at some point.

I think what is making it worse for you is the fact that your husband loves you so much - and tells you all the time. I suspect that guilt is weighing heavily on your shoulders, too which is making you feel worse. You are genuinely trapped and for that I feel so sorry for you. All I ask is not to have an affair. I've been at the receiving end of an affair and you can be sure that will devastate your husband and leave him heartbroken.

However, if you feel you cannot leave for the children then you need to find ways to make your life happy. Join social/hobby clubs and make friends. Perhaps meet new people through the children. If you can take your mind off it you perhaps wont dwell on things so much. I joined WeightWatchers and it was a life saver for me - I met new friends and lost weight too, boosting my confidence. If you feel you can't leave then you need to take your mind off what makes you miserable and try to establish some sort of independent life for yourself outside your marriage.

I hope this helps.
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Re: I don't love him

Postby snail » Wed Jan 28, 2015 7:54 pm

I understand that you don't want the children to have their parents living separately, but at the moment they are learning that it is normal to have a mother that's desperately unhappy with low self-esteem and a father that's controlling. (I suspect your husband likes you busy and socially isolated because he knows that you are not happy and might leave him if you are allowed to). That has very serious implications for their own relationships with women when they are older. You aren't doing them a favour by staying together for their sake. I am the product of a long-term unhappy marriage myself, and what damaged me was the way my parents related to each other, and their own personal unhappiness, not that they split up. (They found happiness with other people, and everything got a lot better from that point). You can still spend Christmas together - most parents I know who have split up spend Christmas day together with the children at one or other of their houses even though they are no longer a couple. You can do your co-parenting any way that you decide to.

Eventually you're going to crack, and whether that takes the form of an affair or of mental illness of some kind, that will be worse overall. Go and get some private advice from Citizen's Advice about splitting up so you know what your options are.
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Re: I don't love him

Postby Buggy » Wed Jan 28, 2015 8:16 pm

I agree with Snail regarding the pressure will make you crack.

I am going to write something that nobody else knows. When I discovered my other half was cheating he was cruel to me for the three months till I left. One day, I was in Tesco's and I couldn't read the list, I didn't know where I was, I didn't know my name and I "lost" a hour of that morning where I had gone totally blank. That is why I feel you should leave. I was heading for a breakdown and was certainly depressed. I would not wish that on anyone else. You can't stay in this situation.
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Re: I don't love him

Postby dirty little secret » Wed Jan 28, 2015 8:57 pm

I am unhappy too with myself and my relationship. I am finding it hard to break free even though we do not have kids that's why I do understand you.

Having kids is another good reason for you to leave. I am sure your kids can sense that you are not happy and maybe just a little or lot this is affecting you as a mother also. Believe me, your kids wants you happy and at your best, so if you leave your husband they will understand even though at first they may find things difficult.

There are may different forms of control, some obvious and some are not. He has his own ways to control you.

It's not too late to leave and let go. Its for both of you and the kids. You don't want to be in your 60's and have loads of regrets.

If you don't do it soon, like other people here say, you will crack down. I did, because I am still in a very unhappy relationship. I cheated and I am totally ashamed of myself. Now I am forever going to be scared that one day Karma will come and bite me on my bum and I know it will going to hurt.

Good luck. I wish you clarity and happiness!
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Re: I don't love him

Postby Buggy » Wed Jan 28, 2015 9:46 pm

Dirty Little Secret - you are right there are plenty of ways to control a person and it's not always obvious either. I certainly didn't noticed how bad it got till I was out of it.

I also support DLS when she says that it's not too late to leave. When I read the your original post, Noangel, I could just see that you need to leave. The unhappiness pours out of every word you write and I too had a life like that for longer then I was able to admit to.

A lot of people stay together because they think it's the right thing to do when children are involved, but quite often they are more aware of those horrible silent tensions then you may realise it.

I wish you well, noangel. You deserve to be happy.
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Re: I don't love him

Postby NoAngel84 » Thu Jan 29, 2015 12:41 pm

Thank you so much for your kind responses. I know in my heart that you are all right and that I have to leave, but I just don't know if I can do it. I don't know where I would go, and I don't have enough money to be on my own with 2 young kids. It would totally devastate my husband and both our families if we split up, I just don't think I could ever go through with it. A lot of people would be so shocked if they found out the truth as people think we are so happy and the perfect little family. I have become a very good actress, I honestly don't think even my husband has a clue how I really feel.

I really hope that my kids would not be picking up on anything, not yet anyway, one is 3 and my youngest is only 5 months, but I do understand what your saying about them maybe realising something is wrong when they're older. I do try to make sure that I don't show anything in front of them though, I only ever allow myself to think about things and get upset when I'm alone (which is not very often).

I really do mean it when I say I would never have a real life affair, it would destroy my husband as he was cheated on by a previous long term girlfriend, and I know that things could never be amicable between us again if I did. It is just a nice daydream i have in my head and that's where it will stay, just sometimes being with someone else is all I can think about. There isn't even a particular person I think about, it's not like I have actual feelings for someone else, just a made up man of my dreams in my head.
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Re: I don't love him

Postby Buggy » Thu Jan 29, 2015 2:49 pm

Noangel - I know exactly what you mean. I stayed in my relationship for well over a year longer then I should because a) I thought I had nowhere to go and b) I worked for my ex and he underpaid me (well below the legal minimum) so that I had no chance to save up or accure any backup money. I believe this was part of his control. I understand how hard that is for you being scared. But, I feel, if you stay in this relationship then your emotional/mental and subsequently your physical health will suffer.
It's hard to carry the burden knowing so many people will be upset if you go. But what about you? Is it fair that you live this life for at least the next decade? I understand you do not want to hurt your husbands feelings. If ever you do leave him I advise you not to tell him how long you've been unhappy for. He'll feel as though he has lived a lie.

I cannot help but feel desperately sorry for you being in your situation. I have been there too. I have tried to take my own life due to such severe unhappiness. Either decide to leave or find a way to be happy with your life as it is now.
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Re: I don't love him

Postby Minna » Thu Jan 29, 2015 4:55 pm

Noangel - what a sad story. Unlike Buggy I haven't experienced the awful times similar to what you are going though, but imagine that it must be devastating. At least through these replies you know you are not alone and that people are thinking of you and trying to help.
As scary as it seems, I agree that you do need to escape from this misery if you are to find happiness in the future - and you will have every chance of doing so if you are brave.
If I can say this - what of your husband? You say he is a good man - shouldn't he also have the chance of finding happiness, with someone who will love him and welcome his love? It's not fair that, as well as you, he should be denied true love for the rest of his life. I don't mean this unkindly, but at the moment his life is a sham too.
Please be honest with him. Of course he will be devastated, but I hope you will feel "better" that it is all out in the open and you don't have to live your life as a lie. What a weight off your back that will be - imagine not having to pretend any more!
At least you will have made the decision and it will be a solid foundation to enable the people involved to move forward into the future - your future, your children's future and your husband's future. This is no more than you all deserve.

Of course it won't be easy, you will feel overwhelmed and think you have let everyone down in not making this marriage work, but you know you are right and honest in what you will be doing, stick to you guns and keep going - the best way forward is always through.

Sadly, there are many similar stories to yours and help IS out there, to help you both as a couple ending your marriage and understanding and help for your children. And please realise that you don't have either the time nor the energy to worry about what relatives and friends think. They will have to deal with it in their own way. Just focus on yourselves.

When life has eventually settled (and it will) and you are both, hopefully, with your own loving partners, you personally will look back at what has happened since the day that you finally had the courage to tell the truth, and you will be at peace with yourself - you finally did what, sadly, had to be done.

Good luck with everything.
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Re: I don't love him

Postby Bel Bel » Fri Jan 30, 2015 1:28 pm

you feel guilty for leaving but how about thinking that you are stopping him finding someone who will really love him while you aren't letting him go
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