Husband met a girl on a dating site

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Husband met a girl on a dating site

Postby TISL » Mon Jan 26, 2015 5:22 pm

I have a problem with my husband. He has 'met' this girl on a dating site, spent thousands paying the dating site, refuses to stop writing to her, has been to visit her twice and says he has done nothing wrong !!! Married 42 years...am at a loss as to what to do. Going to see a councillor on Fri for advice. He also says she is 'just a friend...shes 26 for goodness sake !!
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Re: Husband has VERY good Female Friend

Postby dirty little secret » Mon Jan 26, 2015 7:10 pm

OMG!

Let me repeat what you just wrote.

Your husband met a girl online and they spent weekend together! And he has the guts to let you know so he wont feel that much guilty and play innocent.

Would you do this to him? No. Why would he do this to you? This is wrong in every way you look at it. He is a married guy. Yes, he has the right to make friends with anybody he likes but not with someone who will cause problems in your relationship. If he loves and respect you, he will not do this. And if this is just a friendship, then he will invite you to this friendship because you two are married.

Believe me, I behaved like your husband before because I wasn't happy in my relationship. I did regret it, but to tell you the honestly your husband is looking for that "spark". He is missing that excitement. Remember when you first met each other, that feeling. He wanted to feel that again, but this time with someone new. Is he going through middle life crisis?

Is this is way of saying he is not happy? of getting your attention? You both need to sit down and talk. I understand, you are angry at the moment, I would too but you need to listen to him.

Find out how deep is his relationship with the girl.

Ask him where he wants to go or what he wants to happen after this.

You do not want to be in a relationship where trust is broken. You have to be accepting to whatever happens. Put your self first, your own happiness.
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Re: Husband met a girl on a dating site

Postby snail » Mon Feb 02, 2015 2:02 pm

I think the first question that springs to mind is, what on earth was your husband doing on a dating site and how can he visit a woman he met on it and say he is not being unfaithful?

How did the trip to the counsellor go - was there any progress?
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Re: Husband met a girl on a dating site

Postby TISL » Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:49 pm

Firstly, thank you Snail for moving the post. To go back a bit, he suddenly decided I didnt love him !! so went looking to chat to someone. He found this dating site and told me it was free. I later discovered he had spent all our savings plus run up debt because of it. He has become very secretive and I am blocked from everything we used to share. He insists she is just a friend. And I keep asking, if shes just a friend, why do yu hide her !!
I spoke to the councillor who has assured me this is not acceptable and he has crossed the boundry atho he doesnt seem to think so ! Why cant he have a friend, is all he keeps asking me !!! I dont think he has slept with her or am I being naive ????? I have asked and begged that he stop but he says I control everything else, which I dont and I am not going to control this one friend !! I told him I had been to see someone and said he must go and see her. The councillor says he has an addiction, which I have to agree with as he just cant seem to stop. He now has her private e mail address and no longer uses the dating site, so he tells me. But I dont believe anything anymore and have become a suspicious horrible person :( He has also starting skyping her, which I said has to stop.
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Re: Husband met a girl on a dating site

Postby rufio89 » Tue Feb 03, 2015 11:50 am

How on earth has he spent all your savings and run up debt on a dating site? Even the more expensive ones cost <£50 per month, so it sounds like he's lying to you about that as well.

Honestly, I'm not sure what the best outcome is. If you're already in counselling, Im not sure what else to suggest. He really sounds like bad news.
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Re: Husband met a girl on a dating site

Postby snail » Tue Feb 03, 2015 2:19 pm

TISL wrote:I later discovered he had spent all our savings plus run up debt because of it.

As others have said, there are no dating sites that are that expensive. I would guess that he has been sending her the money. She may be one of those people who frequent dating sites preying on older men and getting money from them by deceit, or she might possibly even be a straight-forward prostitute. The money he has lost may make him even more resistant to the idea that he is in the wrong.

TISL wrote:Why cant he have a friend, is all he keeps asking me !!!

I think the response to this should be: "You can have a friend, but this woman is not a friend. You are having a romantic relationship with her even if you have not yet had sex with her".

He's clearly having some sort of crisis, but as to what you can do about it I don't know. Until he begins to admit it, you're stuck. In your position I would be looking to do whatever I needed to protect myself, emotionally and financially. That might mean splitting up.
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Re: Husband met a girl on a dating site

Postby TISL » Tue Feb 03, 2015 10:24 pm

I must admit, reading these replies has certainly given me food for thought and I thank all of yu. I just assumed the loss of savings was to the dating site. They charge £260 per 1000 credits and charge to open a letter and charge to send a letter plus there are all kinds of gifts etc yu can send the lady of your choice !! I saw his bank account many months back and he bought 3000 credits in one month !! It is a costly site but now that I think of it, its a huuge sum of money £30,000 plus to have spent on it !! I have asked him if he gives her money and no surprises for his answer. He assures me shes 'very nice' and I say, she cant be nice if she is on a dating site robbing stupid men, like you, of their savings !! Believe me, I have TOLD him over and over, she is NOT a friend but he wont hear it ! He says when he was young and even later in his lfe, he has never had a friend and now I want to take this one friend away !! I told this to the councillor and said how bad I feel knowing this and she said, rubbish, dont go there, this woman is NOT a friend !! I am now bginning to think that he did give her money just maybe cos he felt sorry for her. Ukraine people are not the wealthiest on this planet !! Its more than he spent on me in our whole life together !!! How sad is that !! I have got my son to now block this dating site and needless to say hes furious but I say you have her e mail address now, why do yu still need that site !! The site btw is ------ just in case any guy out there has plans to meet a lady and try it !!
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Re: Husband met a girl on a dating site

Postby snail » Wed Feb 04, 2015 10:05 am

Ah, I hadn't realised she was someone abroad. These people do this as, effectively, a job. It's very well-known. My own male acquaintances are approached by people like this via the internet from time to time (it also happens with older women and young foreign men, although not as much). As you can see, there is substantial money to be made.

I've edited out the name of the dating site as having it mentioned on a forum like this is actually very good advertising for it to the search engine bots. It looks like a site set up to facilitate the transfer of money.
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Re: Husband met a girl on a dating site

Postby TISL » Wed Feb 04, 2015 2:45 pm

Oh I am sorry...I was just trying to stop any other fool from it happening to. I looked on his fone last night which is aaalways kept locked but for some reason, it wasnt. I found 4 messages in his e mail app and they were from this girl. When I confronted him, he said he hadnt spoken to her for a while and then we had an argument last month which is when the messages are dated - always about this site and this girl !! - and then I stopped talking to him. I am so angry over this, who can blame me !! So he now admits that there is a girl and its because I had stopped all communication that he started with her again. So I said and does that give yu the right to have a fling just because we have a fight. This site hes been on has been ongoing for 5 and a half years. I read on a forum that once the men get on them, they seldom come off. He told me sooo many times he had stopped but I realise now, he never did and hence we are where we are. I cancelled my appointment with the councillor this week. I just cannot face or talk to anyone at this point. Thank yu so much for this forum. Its been a life line.
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Re: Husband met a girl on a dating site

Postby rufio89 » Wed Feb 04, 2015 5:15 pm

I really think you should leave him. He's a dead end.
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Re: Husband met a girl on a dating site

Postby TISL » Sat Feb 07, 2015 4:59 pm

So I saw the councilor again and she said he needs help. If not, then he must go. So I had a last talk with him just now and he says I know this is gonna sound crazy, but I need to go and see her one last time to decide what to do !! So I asked him, do you love her ? And he said not as far as he knows...then why do yu need to go and see her !! He says he needs to clear his head and make a decision. So I said so go wherever but why there !!! He says he loves me so it shouldnt be a hard decision to make !! Yes, I will stop what I am doing and go with yu to counciling or no, I need to move on. Thats my thought. My daughter says NO, do not let him go....so yes I must see her again and if I dont have feelings for her, then I will just come back to you !!!! He says he may be going thru male menopause. I said I am willing to help you and we can work on fixing things but he must decide. Any thoughts please.....
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Re: Husband met a girl on a dating site

Postby snail » Sun Feb 08, 2015 8:58 pm

Well, 42 years is a lifetime (it's my lifetime) and there should be some leeway for mistakes after a couple have spent that much time together. But you've asked him to choose and he hasn't chosen you. He's lied and effectively stolen money off you and now he wants to go and see her again. I would call time on the relationship and ask him to move out.
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Re: Husband met a girl on a dating site

Postby TISL » Sun Feb 08, 2015 10:14 pm

I agree but I cant help feeling he may need help and I do desperately want to know I have offered my hand and have done everything I could before quitting. He has finally agreed to come with me to see the councilor I am seeing...so progress at last. But I also know that if he doesnt agree to get help and does go back to this girl, then we are done :( I know he has done wrong but I am willing to try and fix things but I need him to make an effort as well. There will also be conditions eg I control the finances now and all ties with her must end immed. I will continue to post.....
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Re: Husband met a girl on a dating site

Postby Tarantula » Wed Feb 11, 2015 9:22 pm

You can sweep the poo under the carpet but it'll still stink.

Banning him from contact isn't going to make him genuinely see the error of his ways. He'll simply find another way out.

It's definitely time to leave as he has no respect for you - and if you tolerate this, you're essentially telling him that it's okay to play as he likes. He obviously isn't attracted to you anymore and is figuring that out on your time and with your heart.

What a horrible situation. You have to be true to yourself as best you can.

He's gonna go back to the girl 99% sure. :(
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