Deciding to leave, but to some it's such a trivial reason

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Deciding to leave, but to some it's such a trivial reason

Postby Helpisneeded » Thu Feb 12, 2015 5:17 pm

Hello All,

It's rare that I'd ever talk to a friend about this, let alone post it online... But it's such a huge decision that I wanted to get it out there somehow. Before I start, I don't need to be judged as there are plenty of people in my life who will do that - I just want honest opinions, especially from those who have been in a similar situation.

I'm 31 and my wife is 32 - we have a wonderful 4 year old daughter. We married 7 years ago and on many levels we're good - she's kind, very practical, funny and has a good job. She's also a brilliant mum... So where's the but? Well the but and for me it's a big one is that we have little (virtually zero) connection in terms of passion, intimacy and desire. We kiss when I go to work in the morning and that's it. She was always very honest, in fact I remember early on her jokingly saying that if I wanted someone who was interested in sex then I'd chosen the wrong girl. At the time, I didn't think much about it but now its come back to haunt me. I feel that it's a big part of a healthy relationship and for her it's not - I don't blame her for this its just a complete difference of opinion. To clarify, when I say we don't have much sex I'm talking once every 6-10 weeks and when we do she isn't interested in foreplay and just goes straight for it.

Because we have a nice comfortable life, not big money but enough to life a reasonable life, I'd put it to the back of my mind- but if I'm honest it's always been there. In my early 20's I was relatively reserved and after losing 5 stone at about 26 I discovered an entirely new lease of life - I'm not talking all night raves here, more that I want to enjoy life and not just sit on the sofa and watch TV every evening.

I feel incredibly guilty that I'm coming to the decision to leave as I know that it will cause a huge number of issues - financially (we'll have to sell the house) and also for my wife and my daughter. I just can't help feeling though that I don't need just a friend, and as time goes by I don't want to just be together because we get on well. I know that a lot of people would take this, but I want to make the most of life and being devoid of passion is something which I find leaves me feeling empty.

So there it is... I could give you a longer version, but I think you get the idea. Stay, don't ruin anyone's life and be thankful for what I have or strive for a relationship which fulfills me on a level which I desperately miss.

Any comments will be greatly appreciated.

W
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Re: Deciding to leave, but to some it's such a trivial reaso

Postby Tucco » Thu Feb 12, 2015 8:38 pm

Hi there,
I was in a similar situation with my first wife with the exception of we had an ok love life until we got married and then all changed from her side, thankfully there were no kids!
Basically the lack of sex made me feel rejected with led me to be not so nice which led to even less chance of sex! Not great a vicious circle.
I then spent a few years messing about with other women because I needed to feel wanted I guess, I did not like this situation but it was obviously something that I wanted to do at the time.
Long story short, we ended up divorced, I met someone else who had a similar sex drive as myself, we have been married almost 14 years, I am very happy and have never looked at another woman since.
I appreciate the big difference is you having a child, ultimately you have to make a decision, if you stay I believe you will become resentful and maybe end up in a similar situation that I was in.
I hope this helps, good luck.
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Re: Deciding to leave, but to some it's such a trivial reaso

Postby Helpisneeded » Thu Feb 12, 2015 8:57 pm

Thank you so much for your kind words. It's refreshing to hear from someone who doesn't just look at you as if you're the worst person that ever existed. Neither of us are nasty to each other and I've never used the lack of sex or intimacy as a reason to be angry, so theres no animosity. I just can't comprehend year after year of this situation.
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Re: Deciding to leave, but to some it's such a trivial reaso

Postby Helpisneeded » Thu Feb 12, 2015 9:00 pm

It's also lovely to hear that you ended up really happy!!
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Re: Deciding to leave, but to some it's such a trivial reaso

Postby Mrdad » Thu Feb 12, 2015 9:21 pm

Hi, I can also understand where you are coming from, In fact for the most of your post It could well have been that it was about. But with a few differences, before we married my wife was very sexual, and things were great, although my insecurity and jealousy did get in the way. The change was after we had kids. I knew that she had changed, and become a mother, and perhaps she no longer felt attractive, but always was to me. Her desire for sex went down completely. Even now the kids are older, she still seems reluctant to have sex, and whilst it's not as infrequent as yours, it's still only maybe once a week ( which is a big drop). I tried different things, doing more around the house, cooking dinner looking after the kids so when she got home from work, or was on a day off, she could relax more, I tried massages, erotic books, not persevering her for sex, and although it may work initially it eventually went back to how it was. Have you tried any of these? I find it difficult talking about sex, with my wife, so would often write her a letter about how I feel, so she knew, and whilst it works it's only short term. Before deciding to leave, I would urge you to try some of these, if you haven't already.
Like you everything else is fine, we don't argue, we are comfortable, and as far as I can tell, she is happy how things are. And the kids are not affected, but I knew that if we split then they would be. Money would be tighter, and the disruption would be a lot for them to handle. So for the most part we live as we are. You haven't mentioned, if you've thought about cheating or have done? So far I've not, but considered it, maybe for selfish reasons, but not for any other than to feel close to someone again. I did a post a while back about a woman I talk too, just generally nothing flirty, but It makes me feel better about myself, like you say, there are only two choices, one you hurt two people, the other you only hurt yourself. I'd be happy to chat more if you wanted, sometimes a strangers perspective is better than a friends.
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Re: Deciding to leave, but to some it's such a trivial reaso

Postby Helpisneeded » Thu Feb 12, 2015 9:46 pm

Thanks for your detailed reply, it's really appreciated. I've tried a lot of things over the years and it might make a difference for one night but not on an on-going basis. I do honestly think it's a case of my wife really not being that fussed with sex and she's certainly not adventurous in the slightest.

I've always been really helpful around the house - I cook probably 5 nights out of 7, we've always been very equal in the time we spend with our daughter, I'd think nothing of having her on my own for a week if my wife was away... My daughter and I are a brilliant team!

It's one of those things where unless you have the feeling then you can't understand why it's so important. I reckon 99% of people I know would look at me as if I was mad, but it's because they don't value the sexual and intimacy side of things like I do.

It would be a huge step, but one which I think I will likely take.
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Re: Deciding to leave, but to some it's such a trivial reaso

Postby Tarantula » Thu Feb 12, 2015 10:44 pm

Stop beating yourself up.

Sex/sexual intimacy is a huge part of a relationship for many people - it's what essentially separates it from just being a friendship! I couldn't tolerate a sexless relationship either, and would also feel rejected if he just wasn't interested.

Just make sure you do your due diligence before you drop the bomb of leaving: have you done all you can to try and find out what the root reason is for her lack of interest?

If you've done everything you can and she just isn't responding, then go. It's totally justified and if you get on so well, I don't see why you can't end things amicably for the sake of your daughter.

Don't beat yourself up. You're not some kind of sex-crazed maniac/shallow/sleazy/ungrateful person for wanting sex from your wife! As much as I wouldn't wanna be in her position (hell to the no am I getting left for that reason, ever), she's also gotta make an effort and can't really expect you to essentially give up sex just because she doesn't feel like it.

In any case, for whatever reason, you're not happy so that's a good enough reason to go. I'm just glad you haven't simply gone with someone else and betrayed her; THAT would've been bad.
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Re: Deciding to leave, but to some it's such a trivial reaso

Postby Helpisneeded » Thu Feb 12, 2015 10:57 pm

Hey Tarantula,

Thanks for your post - I guess that's it, I don't want to resign myself to a lifetime of non-existent sex. I'm sure there'll be a lot of anguish to start off with but I'd like to keep it amicable for our daughter and hopefully we can just make that we both do the best for her.
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Re: Deciding to leave, but to some it's such a trivial reaso

Postby Mrdad » Fri Feb 13, 2015 6:45 pm

You said that 'you think' she isn't fussed about having sex, but are you sure? Have you asked her why she doesn't want to have sex! There was a point in my relationship my wife said she'd be ok never having sex again, which hit me. But after changing how I approached it, things improved. I stopped asking, and began doing a lot more, as she would often complain of being tired, she also said she felt unattractive and not sexy in anyway after having our kids, even a few years after. So you need to talk to her either on your own of with a counsellor, maybe then she will be able to open up! Or go on your own, but be honest with her and tell her your going to see someone about how you feel. But I agree sex is an important part of a relationship but also is communication. All I would say is that although you get on now doesn't mean it will make any break up easier, especially if she thinks that you may have been seeing someone else, after all the reason your leaving is sex, so she will wonder if you have been getting it somewhere else. Added to the fact you have a daughter, do all you can first, and make sure ou are honest with her about your feelings, then you can make a decision.
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Re: Deciding to leave, but to some it's such a trivial reaso

Postby Helpisneeded » Fri Feb 13, 2015 6:53 pm

Thanks... I'll rephrase that, she isn't fussed about sex. It's not having a child that's done it, it's always been like that. There's no deep seated issue of hang-up (she likes how she looks!) it's just as she puts it that she can take it or leave it, and that it's not something that she's really interested in.
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Re: Deciding to leave, but to some it's such a trivial reaso

Postby Helpisneeded » Fri Feb 13, 2015 7:02 pm

Also, just to clarify... It's not just an absence of sex, it's a lack of intimacy and passion in general. We're a good team and we get on but it's just like having a good friend.
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Re: Deciding to leave, but to some it's such a trivial reaso

Postby Tucco » Fri Feb 13, 2015 8:23 pm

The last bit is a bit more revealing, if she lacks general intimacy then something in her past maybe her parents relationship may have caused her to see your relationship as "normal".
My wife is a very touchy feely sort of person but her sister is the opposite so that blows my own theory out if the water!
I did think that maybe your wife would consent to you joining an "affair" type website, would that be a possibility? Potentially it could keep you two together.
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Re: Deciding to leave, but to some it's such a trivial reaso

Postby Helpisneeded » Fri Feb 13, 2015 8:38 pm

Thanks, but no I wouldn't want to do that. I don't want an affair or to see lots of other women, it's just not who I am.
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Re: Deciding to leave, but to some it's such a trivial reaso

Postby dirty little secret » Fri Feb 13, 2015 9:22 pm

Hello,

Its amazing that the word "love" hasn't been mentioned at all!

The question is do you still love her? No, wrong question, coz we can actually love anybody. But the real question is are you in love with her? Is she in love with you?

Or have you ever been in love with her at all?

Sometimes we get together with people we think we love, and it can be too late before we realised that we dont love them. So when one or two things are lacking in our relationship, we are quick to think about leaving..

Having a comfortable life is not enough reason to stay with her if you are not happy.. Having a kid make a difference but I am sure your kid would also like you to be happy. People may judge you and think its just sex, but sex leads to a lot of things - intimacy, feeling of being wanted/needed, closeness.. Its one way to sustain a healthy relationship..

But may I say, she was clear from the start that she doesn't like it, so you cant blame her. She was honest to you.

I am a girl and I have similar situation except we don't have kids and we are not married. I begged him and discussed it with him in each and every way that I could but it didn't work. There was some issue in his side but I am willing to do anything so we can have at least a sex life but he doesn't want to make an effort. Its been 3 years since the last time we had sex. He was kind and loving, so I didn't think of leaving him. But day after day, he became this annoying guy that I have to put up with.. I feel very lonely..Then 6 months ago, 3 years of not having sex got too much for me. I slept with another guy. I made a mistake. I am very sorry for what I'd become. Now, I will be forever thinking that one day karma will come and bite me. If you are certain that you are not happy then you have to take action now, before you make the same mistake.

The thing is, she may not just like sex. And you can't change people but you can change your circumstances.

I will leave my partner soon. And I know that I will learn from the past and I am confident i will be happy.

I hope you find the answer soon. We can only give opinion, advice and reassurance but the answer is still within you. People will be judgmental, that's what we all do. We all have something to say but you are the only person who knows exactly what is going on. The truth is, if you are thinking of leaving now, then decided to stay.. in the next few months or years, you'll still be thinking the same. It happened to me. Good luck!!
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Re: Deciding to leave, but to some it's such a trivial reaso

Postby Mrdad » Sat Feb 14, 2015 7:05 pm

I can understand Tucco, when they say about an 'affair' as such it wouldn't be classed as cheating if your wife consents, and there is no real emotional connection. After all, you are saying that the only problem is the sex, which in turn gives you the intamacy and closeness you want, everything else in your relationship seems to be fine. Perhaps if your wife really knew the extent of how far you will go, as in leave her, it may make her look at the relationship, and what she's willing to do to make you happy! Some people actually do live in a relationship where one partner gets sex from someone else, and find it works. I think it's time to put your cards on the table and see how she reacts, before just leaving. If she knows you haven't and won't cheat on her, she may see how important she is to you and change! Until she truly knows how you feel she will think things are fine.
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