Meeting others when in a relationship?

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Meeting others when in a relationship?

Postby Rockstarmumzy » Thu Feb 12, 2015 11:51 pm

My mind is spinning on itself, i have no idea where to start..But ill know that ill be made to look like one serious slapper after posting this..

So..Me and my partner have been going together now for almost 5 years (March 13th is our 5th anniversary), we both met when were in our 20's..I was 20 and he was 23. Anyway, through all our relationship we've had ups and downs..But the downs seem to way outweigh the ups at the moment..Its all i can think about, from about 9 weeks of pregnancy with my son he has chatted up other women..Wanted to meet them, run away with them and do unspeakable things..I felt so sick reading those messages, he still has naked pictures of his ex around his laptop, and the fact that i wondered across his huge porn history on the laptop, let alone making a baby with a lesbian couple (sperm donation)..Through all of the above rubbish, i chose to stick by him!, my parents have told me constantly for the past 4 years that i could do way better, but i chose not to listen to them and then all of a sudden my relationship turns into trying to prove them wrong, which has taken a lot of courage really..We got engaged after being together nearly 6 months much to the dismay of my parents, but i never told my fiance how my parents feel about him..They do say so much horrible things, i try to keep him sheltered from it i guess..

My fiance suffers from severe depression, and has done since he was a teenager..I know its a serious thing...But sometimes i just feel like a glorified slave to him..All i do is cook, clean, go to work, washing, ironing, and look after our son (who is now 2)..2 days a week i take him to nursery and then bring him home again, and whats worse is they both dont pick up after themselves..I blitzed my living room last weekend and had the place looking like a new house, and within hours the place looks like a bombs hit it, toys, pots and plates, shoes, everything all over the place and he cant understand why im nagging at him and snapping..Im exhausted..I do everything, without even an offer of help!..Im at the end of my tether!!

So..recently i got talking to someone really local through friends and he's a rather nice chap, he says all the right things and even listens to what i have to say, which im not used to at all!, pays compliments..Only the other day he told me i was beautiful and it got me!, i had to weep a little!, he's 16 years older than me (41)..But we've both become good friends and to be honest thats all i want at the moment, we're meeting for coffee on Tuesday and im so nervous incase he tries to make a pass at me, ive already told him firmly that i just want friends, but to be honest..Part of me is wanting him to make a pass..I dont know if its all the bad things coming back and the fact that my mind wants revenge for all the rubbish he's put me through but i know that cheating isn't the way forward!!

Really, what all this is about is..Well, is it okay to meet other people in a relationship? ](*,)
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Re: Meeting others when in a relationship?

Postby Bel Bel » Fri Feb 13, 2015 12:32 pm

No because you know you want more than just a friendship.
The best thing to do is deal with the problems or leave if you don't feel things will ever get better or you don't want to try.
You say you think your partner is depressed. Is he dealing with this?
Just because he is depressed it doesn't mean he can't help out
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

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Re: Meeting others when in a relationship?

Postby Tarantula » Fri Feb 13, 2015 1:54 pm

You're not a slapper, stop beating yourself up.

It's understandable why you'd be tempted by the offer of some relief from all the stress in the form of this new guy, but it's a road you will regret doing down as you're not being completely honest with yourself about it. You want him. And therefore it's disloyal to your partner to meet him.

Of course, why you'd stay with him after all HIS disloyalty and rubbish is another question; but don't go down to his level on that. You're better off making a decision about whether you're staying or going.

This new guy is gonna appear oh so perfect - they always do at the start, don't they? But don't be fooled, he is not giving you his time in order to be 'friends' with you, he has other intentions just as you do. It sounds like you partially got yourself into this situation in the first place by not being honest with yourself about things... don't make it worse for the same reason.

Stop running, start facing. And don't believe for a second that new guy is the answer.
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Re: Meeting others when in a relationship?

Postby Mrdad » Fri Feb 13, 2015 6:25 pm

Being in a relationship where you are unhappy, and feel unappreciated is very difficult. You are In a constant battle of trying to please your partner, but also biting your tongue about what you want and need. Added to the fact your partner suffers from depression, I guess makes it harder for you to confront him about your feelings. For fear of making it worse. It is tough having to work and look after a house, does your partner work? Or help out at all? Is he seeing anyone about his depression, or just trying to deal with it himself?
Perhaps if some of these issues were dealt with things wont be so bad. As for this guy, yes the chance is, he is after more than just friendship, but there is a chance he's not? Slim but a chance. IF your unhappy you will find any sort of attention flattering, and this will make you feel wanted and attractive again. Being in a similar position to you, I know, but where as I'm a guy, that has been talking to a woman. She may well just be being friendly but she may want more. I haven't done anything nor intend too, but I understand where u are coming from. But you need to deal with your current relationship first, but if you do meet this guy for a coffee, make sure it is just that, if you just want someone to talk too, you will soon see if he wants more, in which case you need to hold off seeing him.
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Re: Meeting others when in a relationship?

Postby Rockstarmumzy » Sat Feb 14, 2015 1:43 am

Thanks guys, its just getting worse

Weve not long had a massive row! I told little one off for trapping my foot in the door! (On purpose!) He started crying OH came out and told me to stop being a dick and grow up, which prompted me to tell him to chuck off!

Ive come downstairs to cry in peace! Ive not spoken to him yet and i dont want to at the moment! Im annoyed beyond words!! And slowly im losing the will to live!
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Re: Meeting others when in a relationship?

Postby Mrdad » Sat Feb 14, 2015 5:33 pm

It's probably best not to say anything when your angry, we tend to say the wrong thing! Playing devils advocate but are you sure he trapped your foot on purpose! Sometimes we see things differently when we are frustrated, as for your partners reaction, perhaps you did over react? Sometimes it's easier to take a few seconds to think before reacting. I know I've over reacted to things my kids have done when ive been annoyed by something else. Can I just ask how you feel, when you speak to this guy? Do you see him regularly or just when you bump into him? And does this change how you feel in yourself?
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Re: Meeting others when in a relationship?

Postby David020549 » Sun Feb 15, 2015 8:15 am

I'm not surprised your mind is spinning, you have met a man who appears to be mature, stable and charming, but is he available and a potential partner. Leaving your present man for another is going to cause a great deal of turmoil so be sure of his intentions before you take the leap, having an affair will only make your mind spin more.
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Re: Meeting others when in a relationship?

Postby Rockstarmumzy » Thu Feb 19, 2015 8:45 pm

Mrdad wrote:It's probably best not to say anything when your angry, we tend to say the wrong thing! Playing devils advocate but are you sure he trapped your foot on purpose! Sometimes we see things differently when we are frustrated, as for your partners reaction, perhaps you did over react? Sometimes it's easier to take a few seconds to think before reacting. I know I've over reacted to things my kids have done when ive been annoyed by something else. Can I just ask how you feel, when you speak to this guy? Do you see him regularly or just when you bump into him? And does this change how you feel in yourself?


Im positive he trapped my foot on purpose, my son has quite the dislike for the word no at the minute..he does tend to slap, hit, pinch and all that when we tell him no.

Wow..how i feel about the other guy...hes really great, we met last week for coffee and i just felt like i mattered! Having someone listen to you is not what im used to and i loved it!, for the first time in years i actually felt a connection with someone, ive never laughed or smiled as much as i did with him, i can be myself around him instead of pretending im alright, i actually was! I kno2 i probably sound like a love sick teenager :/ but thats how it felt!
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Re: Meeting others when in a relationship?

Postby snail » Fri Feb 20, 2015 12:59 pm

To me he sounds like a predator - an older man making a move on a younger, married, woman (you're effectively married) with a child, who is clearly unhappy and vulnerable and is easy pickings. Think hard before you do anything. To be perfectly honest I disliked your current partner intensely from the first post you made about him and I don't think you owe him much or even anything, it's more that being used by new guy is not going to be helpful to you at all in the longer term, it's just going to make you more unhappy.
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Re: Meeting others when in a relationship?

Postby Mrdad » Fri Feb 20, 2015 3:19 pm

I'm not surprised you feel that way about him. In your current relationship is obviously not what you want, your partner seemingly has no respect for you, and your child looks like they are picking up on this and treating you in the same way.
So when you meet a guy that pays you attention and listens, and makes you feel wanted and like a person again, you are going to have feelings for them, I'm in that place now, feeling under appreciated and almost like I'm just here to do all the chores etc. then when someone of the opposite sex talks to you like you mean something your emotions get in the way, and you mistake friendship for more. Well in my case, in yours it's possible this guy likes you, and would like to have a relationship with you, but as the last person said they may just see you as
Vulnerable and only after one thing. Before you do anything, you need to make a break from your current relationship then in time see if this other guy hangs around once your single, good luck
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Re: Meeting others when in a relationship?

Postby Rockstarmumzy » Sat Feb 21, 2015 12:22 am

Thank you all so much for the replies..I just noticed i forgot to add some extra background to the story..so i might as well add it here and see if this makes any difference to the opinions :)

Ive taken so much rubbish in this relationship, i often wonder to myself why am i still here? It all started around 4 years ago..I met his friends and they we're great at the start! (lesbians!), about a year in we suffered a chemical pregnancy..Which knocked us back but we carried on i suppose, he donated sperm to his friends (which is a long complex story, it'll probably still be on the board somewhere if you want to familiarize yourself with it), we suffered yet another chemical before i fell pregnant for the 3rd time with our son. 9 Weeks in i caught my OH chatting up other women, wanting to run away with them and do some right dodgy things..Still turns my stomach thinking about it, after a long talk i decided to forgive and (sort of) forget.

Then about a month ago, he was talking to his friends again and i came across a text message that said that he'd been in love with his other friend for the past 8 years!, my heart just sank after reading that, and then he told her that he never made a move on her because she was his best friend, and then he met me..So then now i feel that i got in the way, if i never would of met him then he probably would of been much happier! Again i chose to ignore that text and look at it as yet another blip! (even to this day i cant forget it!)

Then we got pregnant again last year!, i was over the moon..OH was very reserved as our finances and personal situation wasn't exactly perfect but from the outer edges it look like he was getting to grips with things, and then he spoke to those god awful friends of his!..Everything they say to him he seems to take as gospel, they influenced him!..And in the end i hardly got a say in the matter (Dont want to mention the 'A' word as it'll probably get me in some deep water!)..But it happened and now i resent the both of them!, i just feel that i come second best to them all the time!

If my relationship really is up jelly creek!, im just terrified of taking that leap!..Leaving him!, having to start the whole 'house' thing all over again!..I really wouldn't want to move back in with my parents as i suppose once you've tasted the taste of independence you really dont want to give it up!, but the only thing ill take away from this house is a tumble dryer, Sebastians bed, a few toys and the clothes on our backs really...

My mind is spinning, sleep is scarce and i am so lost!!
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Re: Meeting others when in a relationship?

Postby Mrdad » Sat Feb 21, 2015 4:51 pm

It is a big step to make, leaving someone but if your that unhappy then it's probably what you need to do. But not just so you can be with this other guy, you've been through a lot and need time to sort yourself out. As good as he may make you feel now, if your single it may be another story if he's only after one thing. Moving back in with your parents is a option especially as you say you won't have a lot when you leave, it might also give you some support with your child that you don't seem to be getting at the moment. People decide to stay in unhappy relationships for lots of reasons, kids, money, or just scared of what might happen! But that's not always a reason to stay. It's a big decision and only one you can make.
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Re: Meeting others when in a relationship?

Postby SamMos76 » Mon Mar 30, 2015 6:09 pm

I've recently started talking to a woman, who like you is in a relationship, for what I understand he isn't very helpful around the house, or with her kids, and even has his own place too. So I guess I'm the other guy, from your story. Whilst I find her attractive, I only chat to her as a friend, never flirting or being suggestive, I fact I sometimes feel she is flirting with me. Which when I look at it may be natural, I mean here is someone that's listening to her problems and not dismissing them, so why wouldn't she feel a connection. Perhaps you if you haven't already, need to look at your relationship first, and decide that if you left your partner would this guy offer, or even want to offer more than just a physical relationship. I hope this helps a bit.
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