Very confused

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Very confused

Postby Thornandthedogs » Fri Feb 13, 2015 11:16 am

I desperately need some advice and thoughts on my relationship that I have just ended. I'm so confused and I'm not at peace with myself whatsoever. I had been with my partner since 2011 after wanting after him since 2010. So when we did get together, it was a wonderful passionate whirlwind, you know how they are. We did so much stuff together, saw each other a lot, especially as we work at the same building and generally have a lot in common. We were in love. After about the first year and a half, some of that vivid passion started to leave me and particularly after I started the gym and started to get into shape I found myself getting a bit distracted. Our sex life, whilst not bad, never quite returned to how it was in that first year and I started to worry about having life regrets. We went through a breakup last year on my part because I felt like something had changed and we both felt it. However after only a few days I was so distraught I found I just couldn't cope and just felt like I'd given up my best friend. So we ended up together again and seemingly closer than ever. That was about May. Over the last month or so, the same feeling crept in but I have days of attachment and days of indifference. Only last week, in a conversation about valentines, it somehow snowballed and led me to choose to have a heart to heart and end things on Wednesday. I was thinking about him, not just me. I feel like I'm going to keep falling into this feeling and problem and it's cruel and unfair on him - he deserves better, he deserves someone who is definitely sure of themselves and that they want to be with him. I can't bring myself to keep hurting him because I genuinely care about him and I do still love him even if it isn't that lusty whirlwind anymore. But I have come to the conclusion that I must have some kind of behavioural disorder because like last time, I'm falling into despair, can't sleep, can't eat, barely holding it together even though only a few days ago it seemed like the right decision. I've talked to so many friends and family about it, trying to gather my thoughts and come to clear certainty but truth is I'm right back where I was, where I feel like I've abandoned my best friend. I feel like I have two personalities, the one that did feel that way, that needed space and freedom and the old me that desperately loves the boy I fell in love with. So I'm doubting myself, it all feels like a bad dream and I don't know if I'm struggling because I just don't like being on my own because I'm very attached and emotionally reliant on him. One moment it's empathy over how I'm hurting him, the next it's selfishness over how I don't think anyone will accept me the way he does. I have long, long suspected that I may have depression but have abjectly refused to get help out of fear of how having it down on record affects my future. I also don't like self diagnosing so as far as I'm concerned I don't have it, unless diagnosed by a professional. I'm just so so confused with myself. I've tried to pretend I'm normal and stable for so long because I have no reason to be unstable anymore. I have two jobs that between them pay the bills and allow me to afford two dogs and leave me with enough time to go to the gym and have friendships and sociability. I have good relationships with my parents (who split when I was very young - they are on friendly terms). I'm not bullied and don't face any phobias. If anything I'm a more confident normal person than I ever was in my teens and yet I can't shake the feeling that I don't deal with emotional stuff properly, that I lie to myself so regularly that I create apparent truths...I just don't feel at peace with my decisions at all, from either side of being in or out of the relationship. I need help so bad but I'm worried even the doctor won't be inclined to help. Feeling very lost.
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Re: Very confused

Postby snail » Fri Feb 13, 2015 12:45 pm

Thornandthedogs wrote:I feel like I have two personalities, the one that did feel that way, that needed space and freedom and the old me that desperately loves the boy I fell in love with.

OK, well that seems perfectly normal to me after you've ended a relationship that had lasted a few years and where both parties were originally in love. When you end a relationship yourself, you have all the upset and anguish that happens because it's over, plus all the terrible self-doubt of wondering about your own decision. If you've broken up with him twice then it probably is the right decision. Try to hold on and stay as busy as possible, and these feelings will probably subside soon, leaving you with a feeling of relief that it is finally ended.

With regard to how you feel as though you might be depressed, have problems processing feelings etc, it sounds as though you might be holding on to some emotional stuff. You could possibly benefit from counselling, where you talk about your feelings to a sympathetic neutral person trained in this area. This way you might uncover what it is that you are not comfortable with.
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Re: Very confused

Postby Thornandthedogs » Sat Feb 14, 2015 12:19 pm

Thank you for your response - we ended sitting down for coffee and having a very long talk yesterday and we came to some truths and conclusions. We're still treating this as a break up but I've asked that if I were to go to therapy/counselling, if he would join me so I can discover who I am and want I really want. In that, part of me is extremely uncomfortable with the decision to end things. I feel a lot of relief in having talked to him and really been honest. It's so hard for me to be honest with myself. But I found that he wasn't struggling nearly as much as I thought, in fact, because of what he is having to deal with in his life right now, it was a relief for him to have one thing off that list. He also admitted his own failings with me, do although I don't think he's done anything wrong, that also alleviated some guilt too. I've also chosen to face up to a deal with some problems from my past, one at a time and had I know how much better it would make me feel, I would have done it years ago. I'd so like to get back to where we were but we both know that simply trying again didn't work. It's at a time where he needs someone strong and I am not strong. So we need this separation. But we've talked about meeting for another coffee in a while, maybe a few weeks or a month just to talk and think about the consistency of our feelings. I've realised how I get so wrapped up in my own feelings, I rarely asked about his. I basically feel like I'm going on a bit of a journey of self discovery at the moment... I don't know where it's going to lead but I finally feel a whole lot better than I did yesterday
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Re: Very confused

Postby reckoner » Sat Feb 14, 2015 4:18 pm

Thornandthedogs wrote:I've asked that if I were to go to therapy/counselling, if he would join me so I can discover who I am and want I really want

Thornandthedogs wrote:I found that he wasn't struggling nearly as much as I thought


I think these two parts of your post sum up for me the main struggle of breaking up with someone you love yet feel it's not enough. I think you're absolutely right that identifying who you are and what you want is the most important thing. As the dumper, I think it's easy to take on too much responsibility for the relationship and for the dumpee, as the second quote suggests. I think that ultimately the other person is entirely responsible for themselves and the best chance they have of feeling confidence that you are right for them is if you are confident about what is right for you.

I don't think there's any such thing as a clean break from someone with whom you've had a good relationship that has reached the end of its course. There's no possibility of dodging the pain, doubt and confusion. The dumper feels, and is sometimes made to feel, that they're being selfish or fussy or impossible, but I think that in many, perhaps most, cases that's an important instinct that reflects that you're changing and you need people and an environment that will allow you to thrive rather than just survive.

Thornandthedogs wrote:I've realised how I get so wrapped up in my own feelings, I rarely asked about his.


For example, you've asked him to join you in counselling to ask questions about you, rather than him or the both of you. Your questions are important, vital, but I think it's a personal quest and perhaps this is not a session that he can or should help with. As you say, he's got his own stuff to deal with. Selfishness gets a bad rap but I think you can only be 'selfless' when you have become self-sufficient by addressing 'selfish' needs. Once you've done that, I think you'll be able to turn your attention outwards and be a fully committed partner, perhaps to him, perhaps to someone else.

All the best.
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