Insecurity like never before.

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Insecurity like never before.

Postby Untitled » Tue Mar 24, 2015 3:54 pm

I'm new so please be nice!

Few health issues happening at the moment so feeling pretty insecure, emotional, vulnerable. I can't fault how awesome my boyfriend has been with it though.

Did something stupid and looked at a couple of his posts on an all male football forum where I'm sure you can imagine, they are fairly derogatory about pretty much everything. I know it was a idiot thing to do and it's not like me at all because I'm usually such a chilled person.

There were some things about me on there that I wasn't too happy about reading but like I said I'm the idiot crazy for going on it in the first place before anyone says anything.

I've tried to talk to him about it but everytime I bring it up I get told that I'm being silly and we're fine. I'm trying to go with that but it's much easier said than done.

I'm a bit worried that he doesn't want the same thing from the relationship as I do. He's very cagey about meeting my friends and family as well as me meeting his. My friends have said that he does clearly like me.

I hate feeling like this as I'm usually such a calm, relaxed person in a relationship. I know that there is a lot going on with me right now so any advise as to how I can get him to actually talk about everything without making it into a massive deal would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks!
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Re: Insecurity like never before.

Postby Tarantula » Tue Mar 24, 2015 4:31 pm

You are killing the attraction every time you stage a 'we need to talk'.

The best, utmost, superb, superstar thing you can do? Go easy on the bf and focus on your life for a while. Then see how the dynamic shifts from him feeling locked in to him suddenly pursuing you again.

Here's what'll happen if you ease up on the emotional reliance front:

step 1: he notices that you're not on his case as much as usual. He's like 'I was expecting more stress/aggro from the missues today, but she's been alright.'
step 2: he becomes curious at to what you're doing and how come you're not to homed in on him anymore.
step 3: you become attractive to him again, because you're not behaving how he expects, you're switching the script up a bit, and demonstrating value.

I know it seems counterintuitive to back off for a while and let him chase, because you worry that if you take your eye off him, he'll disappear completely. But that won't happen - unless he doesn't care for you in the first place, in which case, good riddance, right? What will happen is, he'll realise he isn't the be all and end all of your life anymore and that will make him want you more, not less!

Important caveats: I'm not suggesting you be catty about this. Being catty or sulky will ruin things. Here's an example. Next time he asks to see you:

BAD: 'I don't wanna see you until you've bucked your ideas up.' or 'Why should I spend time with you when you don't appreciate me?' or 'I'm going out with my friends. Deal with it.'

This kind of spiteful, passive-aggressive behaviour leaves him thinking 'whoa, I dodged a bullet!' it makes him RELIEVED to not be spending time with you/paying attention to the relationship. Even if the reason you're annoyed at him makes sense!

GOOD: 'Hey, I'd love to see you but I'm busy [going to badminton game/seeing best friend/doing 'homework' or career stuff/having priorities other than you] - how are you for next Wednesday?'

Another important caveat: don't lie. Don't arbitrarily say you're busy just to prove a point. The trick is to genuinely BE busy, is to FOCUS on YOUR life so that it isn't the end of the world if you don't see him or if things between you are a bit strained atm.

If your worries have a basis and he's not wanting to enter longterm relationship territory by meeting your people etc, the truth is, no amount of worrying, chasing, cajoling or talking will change that. However, backing off and building value in other areas of your life just might.

Neediness is a turn off for everyone. You never hear someone say 'I met this really hot needy guy/girl last night.' But you CAN imagine someone saying 'he/she has such a cool, confident attitude, I really like it!'

You need to get right with yourself and where all this insecurity is coming from to begin with. I'd also suggest, as I say, doing things for yourself outside of the relationship. Things like pursuing your dream career, getting really good at a skill (cooking? Drawing? Korfball?), nurturing relationship with your friends/family or just enjoying your own company.

You may not think it's related, but when it comes to relationships, everything is related. If you start to divert attention away from him and focus on being good to YOU, and provided you don't do it in a catty way that makes it so obvious you're just trying to score petty points - he will take notice and you will be desirable again. Not only that, but hey, you'll be learning new skills and/or gaining better relationships with others too - it really is win/win if you can just resist the temptation to instead indulge in your insecurities and chase him to oblivion.

On the subject of what he said on that forum - what did he say exactly? If he's been disrespectful to you then he needs to apologise and then you can drop it; but also look at his motivation behind what he wrote. I've obviously written negative things about bfs on here before, but the purpose isn't to slate them whilst making me look like 'the man', it's so that I can get other people's insight. I'm not sure why your bf would even mention you on a football forum, unless it was in very general terms, in which case, I wouldn't be too offended.

If he is generally being disrespectful and putting you down all the time and dismissing your feelings (saying you're being silly), then this becomes less about trying to regain his desire to be in a relationship and asking why you would WANT him in the first place. So that's another story.

For now I'm just assuming his forum antics weren't that bad and it sounds like a classic case of relationship gone a bit stale due to unmanaged expectations and over-reliance on him to be the source of your happiness.

I have a phD in that. 8)
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