Not sure what I want now

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Not sure what I want now

Postby Fernweh » Sat Apr 04, 2015 1:32 pm

I'm at a bit of a junction in my life with my relationship, and I don't know whether or not I want to invest time to work things out or not. Unfortunately I don't feel comfortable talking my problems through with my friends, but I really need some advice, and having read through others posts, it seems like there's some good, non biased feedback being given, and I hope that someone can help give me some - I apologise in advance for the length of the post.

I've been with my husband for over ten years, but actually only married for the last year or so, and I know they say the first year is the hardest, but we've lived together nearly since we started dating so I never thought we'd have marriage problems. He suffers from anxiety, depression and mild panic attacks. I knew this when I went into the relationship with him, but it never bothered me and I'd always try and help if ever needed. I'd be by his side talking him down from his attacks, through his anxiety, his talks of suicide etc, and while it might sound like I'm blowing my own trumpet, I know I've been his rock throughout our relationship - he has days/ weeks where he can go without an issues but for the most part he has a lot of stuff going on. He's said numerous times that I've really helped him through he's darkest days, and that I'm an amazingly supportive person etc.

We of course have our ups and downs as most couples do as a result of this; I find it quite mentally draining so sometimes I have on a couple of occasions snapped at him when I haven't meant to, and unless you've been through a similar relationship you really can't know how hard it is to deal with sometimes, not that it excuses my behaviour ofc. However during our most recent "down" he said he was fed up with all the arguing and that perhaps we'd be better splitting up. Cut a long story short I asked him to have a think about it, and give it some thought to see if we could work it out as I knew he was currently in a bad place and didn't want him making the wrong decision at the wrong time, he gave it a bit of time and then said he'd thought about it and definitely wanted to break up.

I asked him if there was anyone else, and he said he wasn't sleeping with anyone behind my back, this wasn't what I asked so I asked again was there anyone else especially that if he was breaking up with me to be with them, he also said no to this. I knew at the time he was lying, I had no proof of course but it was just a gut feeling that something wasn't right at the time.

A couple of days later, I found out from a mutual contact that there was indeed someone female that he'd been spending a lot of time talking to, as in ALOT and it'd been happening over the last year or so. My initial reaction was "I knew it!" but I didn't confront him at first, I just asked him if I could trust him and he said yes I could trust him. Obviously I knew he was lying and it just made snap inside and I actually began to hate him a bit.

A couple of days later, I confronted him and said I knew about "her" and that I wanted him to talk to me about it, which he did and he said they'd been talking for ages but that it was only as friends, but that she had similar problems to him i.e. anxiety, depression, and that he'd at first just wanted to help here as he'd been through similar feelings, but that over time they'd got close. This annoyed me as he's never liked me having male friends, and got a bit funny sometimes about it, so to hear he let a female get that close to him frustrated me. I knew something else was up though, so I pushed him a bit and said I knew stuff about their relationship but that I wanted him to be honest about it all and tell me what had been going on, after a bit he confessed that even though they'd never met in person that he'd been recently sexting with her and that he'd been pleasuring himself from it. He maintained it was only while we were on a break (insert flashback of Ross and Rachel from Friends!!) and that he never did anything sexual while we were still together.

He had started having session with a psychiatrist before this happened, and he said that they'd had advised him against splitting with me as he was in a bad place, but that he felt it was the right thing to do and said didn't it show he loved me that he broke it off with me before doing something with someone else. I don't know how I refrained myself from reacting at that point but I did.

Long story short he said he'd been in a bad place when he said he wanted to split up, and he saw it now and that from speaking with his psychiatrist he'd realised how much his behaviour impacted our relationship and that he wanted to change and better a better husband. All I felt though was hate and distrust, I said I wanted to save our marriage but that he'd have to stop talking to her, which he promised to do, and that he'd give me some space to deal with the issues that had come up.

A week or so later things naturally still were getting to me, I tried to go on with life as normal but struggled quite badly. He still wanted to hold hands, and hug but didn't understand why I didn't feel the same way and I could see it was frustrating him, but I'm not a robot and what had happened really did upset me a lot, I felt like he'd cheated on me but he just kept saying he only did it as we'd broken up. To me, it was less than a week after we broke up and we're married, it's not like we were only dating he had a wedding ring on his finger when it happened so, yh I don't buy into that whole "we were on a break" stuff. I also had a gut feeling he had kept on speaking to her, so I asked him if he had and he said "he didn't want to talk about it" so that was a yes, and that started another trust issue up with me.

Sorry for the long story, but I wanted to get all the detail in, but basically I don't feel like I love him anymore, but we have so much going for us when things are good that I'm hesitant to just walk away from our marriage. I want to make it work but I don't trust him, and I still have feelings of hate towards him. His therapist has helped him a lot and he's becoming more confident and doesn't have as many issues as before so I think that if I get my head in the right place maybe it can work, but I don't think I'll trust him again and I don't know how to move forward from this.

Part of me wants to run away from it all and start a new life, but then another part of me thinks I should stay and work it out and I just don't know what to do about it all and would like some outside opinion on it please.
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Re: Not sure what I want now

Postby SamMos76 » Sat Apr 04, 2015 6:03 pm

We all get down in relationships, and have bad times, but as you say you've been together long enough that it makes being married for just a year irrelevant. However this may have been a trigger in what happened. Whilst it's not an excuse, sometimes talking to a stranger makes things easier. They don't judge you and if they have been through a similar experience it helps even more. Perhaps by talking to this woman he felt that it would take the strain off you, and inevitably he has grown closer to this woman. This could just be because he feels like someone is listening to him, and as a result mistakes kindness for more. Whilst not a full affair it is an emotional affair, especially when the sexting becomes involved. People make mistakes all the time, wheni was with my ex I had a similar thing, I felt like I was being taken for granted, and started chatting to a woman online, while we never met, it did get sexual and she would send pics, and I sent a video of myself which my ex found. Whilst it took her a long time to trust me again, she never fully forgave me. Partly because she didn't believe my reasons for doing it, but also because she felt there was kore to it.
So I can understand you are not ready to hold hands, or cuddle, it takes a while to get back to that place, but if you feel like that you can't forgive him, as you will never forget it, then perhaps it is time to move on. Whilst it might be hard too, it's what's best for you that matters. Regardless of whether he gets with this woman or not, you need to be happy.
By all means try, go to counselling together or talk more. But if every time he gets a text or someone sees him talking to a woman you'll be thinking he's hiding something.
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Re: Not sure what I want now

Postby Fernweh » Sun Apr 05, 2015 1:32 pm

Thanks for the reply. I agree, it probably was partially have a confidant that he could talk and relate to, but it never needed to go as far as it did. She's also ten years younger than him, and prettier and slimmer than me, so obviously that insecurity is something that will stay with me regardless of what relationship I'm in. I know people make mistakes, but I asked him who initiated it and he said it was him. Then after he said he broke off contact, I again asked how re-initiated the contact and he said it was him so that was a bit of shock, like I don't even know who he is, or what he's capable of.

I've moved past the not trusting him bit if he gets texts etc though. Looking back I realise now that he used to hide his phone a lot in the lead up to finding out, I guess that should've been a sign really. He doesn't hid it now so if he did get a text he knows I'd see the notification of who it's from on the lock screen if I wanted to, so I take reassurance he's not in contact anymore and perhaps that's even him trying to show it really is over.

I think it's more about the not loving him bit, I was honest with him and told him that he's not the person I thought he was and it's knocked me for six, and that I just don't feel the same about him now; I love him, but I'm not in love with him. I did say that I'm still willing to try and work things out though as I always said I wanted to stay married for life regardless, little did I know this would happen as it really isn't the sort of guy that he is.

He's been trying to make things work between us, and I can't fault him on that at all he really is making an effort, which makes me want to see if we can work things out, but I can't help wondering if I should end things now, or just grit my teeth get through the hard times and perhaps it'll be worth it in the end and I can rekindle my love for him.

I really want my marriage to work, but I'm just not attracted to him now, in love with him romantically and I'm especially not bothered about being intimate again with him at all - has anyone else gone through this and managed to gain that part of the marriage back?
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Re: Not sure what I want now

Postby SamMos76 » Sun Apr 05, 2015 3:36 pm

If the love has really gone, then there doesn't seem much hope. If people lose an element of love following an affair or something of that nature, then I'd agree that that love can be rebuilt, but if you are not attracted, feel no desire to be intimate, then there is more too it. You can try to find someone attractive, and sex is part of a marriage, if you decide to stay to try, and the sex isn't there, he may well decide to contact this woman again.
It's a tough decision to come to to say your marriage is over, but it's not a short term relationship, how were things before you married? And is it possible that his betrayal has clouded your judgement on your feeling for him? I would suggest that at this stage, your only hope would be a counsellor, perhaps by yourself to start with, then maybe as a couple depending on how they go. Like you said he's making an effort, and trying to regain your trust. Life is too short to have regrets, but you need to do something soon, try counselling, if after a few visits it's clear nothing is working then you need to make a decision.
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Re: Not sure what I want now

Postby snail » Mon Apr 06, 2015 9:31 am

I agree with you about the "on a break" stuff being meaningless; you're not on a break one week in after a 10-year relationship. Especially coupled with the fact that he was still in touch with her when he said he wasn't.

He's clearly not as committed to his relationship with you as he could be, and he's clearly not to be fully trusted. After everything you've done for him and what you've been to him, you feel betrayed and utterly let down by that. I don't blame you.

As to what you should do about it, only you can decide. What does your gut tell you? Could you have a six-month break where you live apart - that often sorts out whether you really want to be together. I agree about the counselling if you do want to try again.
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Re: Not sure what I want now

Postby Fernweh » Mon Apr 06, 2015 12:05 pm

Thanks guys, I'd love to do the 6 month break I really think it would sort out how I feel but it's not practical unfortunately, finances and all. I think I would prefer to split up, that's my gut feel but yesterday though he did something off his own back without any prompting that was really thoughtful, and not like him at all and I just stood there and thought, how can I not love a man like this?! Its times like that, that make me wonder if I give it time that I'll change my mind as he can be really sweet and thoughtful, I worry I have something amazing but can't see the wood for the trees so to speak.

He's a good guy normally (apart from the obvious) and I really just wish I could see the future to know if I change how I feel towards him. Ultimately he deserves someone who can love him for who he is though and it's not fair to keep stringing him along.

I've bought two recommended books off Amazon re. marriage and hopefully they might help me sort my head out a bit. I'm feeling really depressed and need to do something about it. I spoke to my Doctor a while back, but short of sitting there and full on demanding some anti-depressants like some drug fuelled maniac, they don't seem willing to prescribe anything to help me. Thank god the sun is starting to come out, it's a natural Prozac, and I feel I desperately need something or I'll go crazy.
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