Dont know what to say - boyfriend messaging another girl?

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Dont know what to say - boyfriend messaging another girl?

Postby rufio89 » Tue Apr 14, 2015 9:35 am

Hi everyone,

I've had one of my friends on the phone to me this morning in floods of tears and I had absolutely no idea what to say to her, or if the things I were saying were helpful, so I thought I'd see if any of you guys could share some wisdom.

Ok, so she met her boyfriend at university and they've been together 10 years. They've never had any serious problems and she's generally been very patient with some of his shortfalls - i.e. he's very emotionally closed off (like he thinks you should only say "i love you" on special occasions - they've lived together for 9 years and he's only said it about 8 times, he thinks she should just assume it's still true unless she hears otherwise) and there were some issues with his family (he's from a very very wealthy family and she's from a "normal" family and his Mum was quite nasty about this "commoner" her son was dating, but she died quite suddenly about 5 years ago now), but basically they've been really happy together the vast majority of the time, and what 10 year + relationship is without its ups and downs. I've always liked him and thought he was a good guy and a good boyfriend, if perhaps a little selfish.

So the boyfriend is an accountant and works for one of the 'super rich' (as in a multi-billionaire). Earlier this year, this boss suggested that in lieu of his annual bonus, the boyfriend come heli-skiing with him, so he did a week of that and came back a couple of weeks ago. He text my friend once or twice a day while he was away as they had agreed in advance, but he's not the most talktative of people at the best of times so she didnt think anything of the quietness.

Fastforwarding to my phonecall this morning... my friend is the least jealous person in the world. I've never heard her suggest he might even so much have looked at another girl and she's always been extremely trusting of him. But apparently since he got back from his holiday, he's been very quiet and withdrawn (moreso than usual) and he's also added a VERY pretty girl he met skiing on facebook, my friend asked him about this girl and he said it was just a girl they'd met skiing and told her a bit about her and she left it at that, but noticed over the coming days that he was being extremely secretive with his phone, like wasnt even leaving it when he went to the toilet in the night, so in a completely out of character move she looked at his messages and they've been messaging constantly back and forwards. Some of them a bit flirty but nothing to suggest anything has "happened", but my friend is still, understandbly, distraught. She talked to him last night and they ended up having a massive row and he apologised and said if she wanted, he'd stop messaging this girl. My friend said she didnt need him to not talk to her, he was allowed to make a new friend but she just didnt feel the WAY they were talking was appropriate. She said the row sort of petered out rather than being resolved and they went to bed, but once again this morning he took his phone with him to the loo at 5am and when she challenged him he admitted he'd messaged this girl again "just because he was awake". They had another smaller row and she just went to work.

I should also add that they started trying for a baby just after Christmas.

My thoughts:
I find it unlikely he was away with this girl for a week and nothing happened, but even if it didnt, his behaviour is completely inappropriate now. He must know it's not ok otherwise he wouldnt be so secretive about it, but is it worth throwing away a 10 year relationship over?

I just dont know what to say to her, it all sounds so complicated and I was hoping someone (preferably someone who's been in a long term relationship!) could suggest.
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Re: Dont know what to say - boyfriend messaging another girl

Postby Tarantula » Tue Apr 14, 2015 3:16 pm

I think she looked the gift horse in the mouth by being okay with them continuing contact when he offered to quit. She should've agreed those terms, since he offered, and from then on it becomes morally clear - if there's any contact, he's breached what he himself offered to stick to, which is out of line. Whereas now there's this grey area of your friend kind of allowing it and there will therefore always be nagging doubts as to the exact nature of their communication.

After 10yrs he's probably a bit bored of her and this new girl is the shiny shiny. Whether that means he's actually done anything with her I dunno, but if he has.... then yeah, gotta leave I guess. Cheating is cheating.

He should automatically stop with this girl as he knows it's harming his partner. Also, the more your friend brings it up, the more bitter and unattractive she will seem - even if she's right!

Think the best thing she could do is keep it short and to the point.

'Look buddy. I feel the need to make my position clear: I'm not comfortable with what you've been texting this girl, it's already crossed a line in my book, so I'd appreciate if you cut it out. I love you and we have a wonderful relationship - let's not go down a bad road here. I appreciate you in my life, even if I don't appreciate the recent cheeky cheeky, and I don't want things to go bad between us. Is there anything you feel is lacking in our relationship? Feel free to talk to me about that at any point because I know it takes two. Does that sound fair? On another note... let's go out for dinner tonight.'

Or something. Basically she's better off demonstrating a calm and swift, proportionate response to the situation which doesn't guilt trip him - rather than breaking down at his feet or getting nasty. Though that would be understandable. Man, what a kick in the teeth..
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Re: Dont know what to say - boyfriend messaging another girl

Postby snail » Tue Apr 14, 2015 8:28 pm

If he's taking his phone to the toilet and texting her at 5am, then it's affair territory, regardless of whether it was ever physical. Your friend needs to tell him that all contact of any kind stops and he unfriends her on Facebook. If he doesn't comply, then, yes, I think she should leave him. It can't just be left unresolved. It is hugely significant to throw away a relationship like this, but it would be him doing it, not her.
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Re: Dont know what to say - boyfriend messaging another girl

Postby David020549 » Sun Apr 19, 2015 7:30 am

I think it is pretty certain they did end up in bed, that the new girl is attractive and quite likely more "adventurous" too, he likes the attention and it makes him feel good. Your friend needs to think, she has competition, so if she loves him and he treats her well, fight back, maybe she thinks after 10 yrs she shouldn't have to but dumping him is not a good option either.

Men don't usually change we remain little boys and the toys get bigger and we are all vulnerable to the attention of an attractive girl and this one has flattered his ego. Women change, they can so easily get "comfortable" , put on extra pounds, get into an unimaginative bedtime routine and take each other for granted.

This texting in the loo is ridiculous, if he must text her tell him to do it in the open, find out her name, this new girl is an infatuation hundreds of miles away, his partner has an enormous advantage she has him living with her, sleeping in their bed, she knows what he likes and dislikes. Don't be angry, be disappointed, pay attention to what he likes especially in the bedroom, lots of action there is guaranteed to take the edge off his wanderlust, loose those extra pounds if she needs too, enroll at the gym and if it means putting work second now is the time to do it. If she is thinking a baby will bond them together, it won't, now is not the time, get him back first, having had his fling he will probably realize how much pain it has caused her and decide it was not worth the trouble

However, the relationship may fall apart, so she needs to be strong, make sure she has her own money and make herself as attractive as possible either for her own confidence or to find another man.
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Re: Dont know what to say - boyfriend messaging another girl

Postby OrionGiant » Thu Jul 16, 2015 5:55 am


Very interesting.

As I guy who has cheated and not cheated, I have an opinion or two on this.

We go through life and the longer we are with someone then certain things become normal and stagnant, then sometimes we become bored, now I am not saying this is the case, not at all, but my opinion is that this girl, well she is new, and new things are always exciting, and risky, and risky things are usually fun, now he might not have cheated, but I did say new things are fun, so this girl may only be a new friend, that he can chill and talk to and could be nothing else at all.

Asking someone to defriend someone because their partner asks them too, would lemonade me off personally, and I would become defensive, as in why dont you trust me, and therefore people can then become resentful, I mean If your friend heard him talking to a cute guy in the toilet or texting a guy at 5am, nothing would be questioned, but who knows, that he does not swing both ways.....but because it is a sexy female, then obversly your friend is going to feel hurt, paranoid, and jelious, of something that could be innocent.

As I said earlier, Iv been a bad boy (when I was much younger) and a good boy, but my Ex finished with me after 8 years because she thought I had been cheating with several different women, because they were cute, we hung out all the time time, txted and went away together, and I never once cheated on her, just always accused. We mainly ended due to her insecurities, and wanted me to delete most of my female friends out of my life and I said "no" so she finished with me and it broke my heart, cos she did not trust me or believe me when I said nothing happened.

Rather then asking him, cos he will say no regardless, (its always nice to have a women at home and additional risky attention) how about she asks her feller what he thinks of their relationship and is there any part that he feels is failing, and that she could actually talk to him rather then assume which will wind her up even more, and in-turn things will be said that may not need to be said and it could end very badly.
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