Girlfriend hates my mum

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Girlfriend hates my mum

Postby JBrammer » Tue Apr 28, 2015 11:39 am

Long story short
My girlfriend of 5 years and I talked about moving to Dubai for work so we could save up to buy a house together.
We lived with our respective parents 50 miles away from each other having met shortly after university - plus living at home was cheaper allowing us more chance to save up a deposit.
When the move was mentions and my girlfriend resigned from her job when she was over for the weekend, my mum got up and left the table. At the time I didn't see anything wrong - as she often leaves the table and goes into the kitchen when we eat.
There were a few other comments that were said - am I following her, what if she finds someone else when we're out there, (she apparently said) she wishes i don't find a job out there - down to it will be hot, the air con may make me ill, what about the exchange rate.
I put mum right on these and said it is something I want to do for my future and our future with my girlfriend.
She accepted she was wrong, and apologised to me and my girlfriend.
However, my girlfriend has taken this as my mum being controlling, wanting a hold over me, not wanting me to have another woman in my life, and that my mum hates her. None of these are true - and I've never been stopped from doing anything, even if my parents haven't been overly keen.
My dad has said he would like me to be relatively local, but that it sounds like a good opportunity for us both.
My girlfriend has taken all the comments to heart and is convinced my parents are evil - though now she says their action are evil and spiteful after a long argument between us that they are not evil people. She hates them and will only ever - at best - eventually have a strained relationship with them.
We briefly broke up over the evil/controlling comments - but I chased for us to get back together as breaking up was a mistake of mine as we still love each other.
To help calm the situation, I moved in with my brother and sister-in-law. This didn't help as mum and dad came round and I still saw them pretty often, which upset and stressed out my girlfriend. This put us back on the edge, nearly splitting up 2/3 times in the process.
While with my brother, I went back to my home town, a 20 minute drive away for my sports twice a week. I see my dad at practice, and did call home in the evening to see my mum and dad for some dinner, before leaving for my brother's. I lied to my girlfriend about this as I knew it would upset her. But she checked my phone (at least twice) and found this out.
Her parents have gone away on holiday for a month, so I moved in with her at her family home, so we could try to rebuild our relationship. Most of the time things are ok and have been for the last few weeks - as my parents don't get mentioned.
She has found a job - in the UK, which is too good an opportunity to turn down, so she has accepted it. This is good news and gives her some stability on the job front, having faced an uncertain future when her temporary contract ended in a few weeks time.
But this was tempered with sadness on her part, as she feels everything was for nothing, and that I may feel upset that she has stopped me seeing my parents.
I've not missed them, and have lived away from home previously. I am trying to fix our relationship first, then see where things stand with my parents - who have been very understanding about the situation and have taken a back seat while I try to do so.

However, there appear to be cracks appearing in our relationship. We both just seem slightly more negative than normal, more tired - possibly because of running a home and our jobs. She has also - not for the first time in our relationship - made passive aggressive style comments about my sport, which can often take up one or two days on the weekends, especially over the spring and summer months. She says she is busy and struggling to do the housework and her job. But when I offer to help - I have a two hour commute from her to work each way - when I get back from work, she has already done it and won't let me do that much - other than vacuum.
There have been a few of these comments, but at he same time, she says I need to be my own person, to grow up and mature - as apparently I've been suffocated by my parents - and have my own life.

I'm struggling with the relationship, and have wondered a few times whether it is still worth it.
We do get on well, and have made each other very happy. I hope we can again and things in my life will settle down, but I have lingering doubts as to whether we can, or if this whole episode, which dates back over months and months, has just broken us as a couple and that we have emerged as different people to who we were when we made each other happy.

Comments, advice, or stories of similar experiences are most welcome.
JBrammer
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Re: Girlfriend hates my mum

Postby reckoner » Wed Apr 29, 2015 9:11 am

I can understand why your girlfriend was hurt, but I think it's unfair, somewhat malicious and entirely unproductive to harbour resentment towards your family when, from the sound of it, they've done everything they can to recover the situation. My feeling is that this episode has not so much broken you as a couple but exposed you to the realities beneath the excitement of making plans.

In my experience, living with someone is when reality hits the fan. All novelty, excitement and ideas about what you thought it would be like are replaced by what it's actually like. And being abroad together is even more intense. I travelled for over two years with my then partner and the reality of being together all the time, separated from the usual network of friends and family that give you a break from each other, is entirely different to the excitement of making the plans. You're not looking forward to it anymore, you're living it and all the mundane, everyday tasks provide relentless exposure to their every quirk and foible. I think this can affect the strongest couple in the world, but you don't sound strong to me.

Your situation will be different because you'll be working so you'll have time apart, but that might make for other problems. If she's checking your phone to see if you've contacted your family (which sounds very controlling to me), what if you make your own friends out there?

To live and travel together, you need to be a team. Problems are inevitable, and you need to have confidence that you'll be able to solve them together. So far, she has a problem with your family. You've already prioritised her over your parents (with whom I strongly sypmathise) so I think the only way this can be solved is by her accepting them and forgiving their indiscretion. It doesn't sound to me like she has. It gives me doubts about your collective ability to solve other problems.
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Re: Girlfriend hates my mum

Postby JBrammer » Thu Apr 30, 2015 12:48 pm

Thanks for your input.
We still get on ok - but it is the niggley little comments that are annoying me now.
I don't want to chuck away five yeas of us being together - and for the most part - of being happy together.
I hope this is just a rough patch, and that we'll get through it somehow.
The issue I've got is the moving out stage. It would be good for me/us to get our own place together somewhere.
But I'm not sure I can afford to rent somewhere, and pay bills etc, on my own salary.
I mentioned us renting somewhere together - its not quite what we wanted as we ideally wanted to skip this part, hence the plans to work abroad - but she said no, not at the moment, not after everything we've been through.
this was another thing that has chipped away at me.
I have been adamant that we are a strong couple, and we would make it though and past the issues with my family - which we have.
it almost feels like now that I've 'won' the fight to keep us together, things are a bit flat now we're on the other side of it.

Plus I am wary of something else sparking everything back into a life and a huge row, whether its a family birthday, or just talking with may parents. I don't miss them as we do still text every now and then, and I have a busy life anyway, but I'm wary of something blowing the whole thing back up again.

I don't want to make the wrong decision and walk away from a good relationship that we can work out and be happy together. I don't want to hurt her feelings either.
i want to take time over this, but I don't want to be stringing anyone along while I'm doing it either.
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