infertility, perhaps.

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infertility, perhaps.

Postby jakejones82 » Thu Apr 30, 2015 12:00 pm

Hi all.
I met my wife about six and a half years ago at a party in a friends house. We where instantly attracted to each other and started dating. Things where great and we fell for each other. After about a year, she was diagnosed with endometriosis. A disease that can effect a woman's fertility. At the time we thought little of it and she went off to study in another country. I was supposed to follow her over, but due to various reasons, I couldn't. I was in debt, my father was ill and I could not find a job over there, and for a short time we broke up. At this point I was supposed to propose and and all would be well. Of course due to all the reasons mentioned, that too fell through. Anyway, she came home for the summer and we decided to give things another go. The next term she had to come home for surgery thanks to the endometriosis. I cared for her during the recovery time and university beckoned once again. We done the long distance thing again, I cleared my debt, my father was better and I was all set to go start our new life over there. We where looking at places to live and I had a few jib interviews lined up when she tells me that she wants to come home and that she would transfer to the university here. That put moving away out of my mind, I propose on holiday, she said yes, her folks inherited a house that was given to us as a place to live. When I say they gave us it, I still have to pay all the bills (including rent) and my wife just helps towards the electricity now and then. We move in to the house engaged and All is good.

After the summer she starts at the local university and instantly hates it. She has finished one term since joining because of another operation thanks to the endometriosis coming back with a vengeance. Again I care for her during the recovery period. During this point we are married. This did not go smoothly either as a lot of arguments started because father did not give as much as her parents despite giving nearly ten thousand. I assume that a lot of couples have this argument and after a get together, everyone is happy. We got married and got back from honeymoon with an appointment for the doctor.

He tells us that my wife (probably) needs another operation. For her this is (understandably) devastating news. This was only a few months ago and her health is not in great shape. I care for her on a daily basis. All meals are prepared by me. I hold her everyday and tell her that everyday that everything is going to be ok, like any husband would do. I am more than happy to do this until the day I die. However since we got the news that she might have to have another operation (one that has a very small chance of her loosing her womb). She has decided to turn against me by stating things like all this is my fault because I did not move away with her the first time and that she only said that she wanted to come home because she did not trust me to go with her the second time, that the inherited house was given to us by her parents because I was an untrustworthy work shy layabout. Also friends of ours have announced that they are expecting. She has now distanced us from them quoting that if she sees them she will go as far as physical violence. I work sixty hour weeks in a full time job, I get my third (hopefully) IT qualification in the space of a year, for the last six months (on top of all that) I have been my wife's main carer. Despite all of this I'am not doing enough because I didn't move away and give her a child four years ago. We haven't been told were infertile or can't have kids. Yesterday we talked about separating.
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Re: infertility, perhaps.

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Apr 30, 2015 12:52 pm

If she has endometriosis then 4 years ago would have made no difference, she would most likely have had it then just not been displaying symptoms. It is hard to get pregnant with endometriosis but not impossible. My friend had it aggressively and fell pregnant very quickly.
What she is doing is venting her anger and frustration at the nearest person to her, you.
She doesn't know the outcome of the op yet either so she needs to try to stay positive.
Why do you need to be her carer? Many woman have it and are fine except during their periods or even if in daily pain it shouldn't stop her doing things. I have RA so I know about living with pain, sometimes severe.
How is she going to be a mother if she can't look after herself?
It sounds very much like you are put upon by her and she is feeling sorry for herself.
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Re: infertility, perhaps.

Postby jakejones82 » Thu Apr 30, 2015 2:12 pm

Thanks for the insight. Basically, what she is saying is that she has given up on so much to so little in return. Leaving the university that she loves to come (at this point I was moving over there anyway) home for me is condemning her to a life of misery.

As for the endometriosis, I have done quite a lot of reading up and researching it. She says the longer it's left that more difficult it is to conceive and as of this week she has deemed herself infertile without a proper diagnosis and blaming me not moving over and getting her pregnant four years ago for that diagnosis.

As for being her carer, she has barely left bed in 3 months due to pain and can't really do anything for herself. None of that annoys me it's just the absolute lack of respect that I'm feeling. Things where ok Before our friends made their announcement. Although I was still caring for her.
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Re: infertility, perhaps.

Postby snail » Thu Apr 30, 2015 4:48 pm

She's being quite unreasonable, but then she's probably depressed, which is affecting how she thinks about everything, and has lost all perspective thanks to being confined to the house so much. She's also probably furiously angry at what's happened to her, and as Bel says, is taking it out on you with a vengeance. In her situation it's easy to hate your partner, but to be honest she probably feels like she hates everyone at the moment.

I think you can either accept that she's irrational at the moment and that things will get better when her health improves, or you can leave if you think that too much damage has been done to your relationship. It really depends on how you feel.

She almost certainly knows about it already, but in case she doesn't, when my mother had this she found The Endometriosis Society very helpful:
www.endometriosis-uk.org
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