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Should you marry with your head or your heart!?? Help ;(

Posted: Fri May 01, 2015 5:50 pm
by Kerrimccann83
I need help to choose between two men!

I was going out with a fella for 4 years when he left to go travelling round the world I was absolutely head over heals in love with him but I had to let him go as it was something he had to do. He rung me nearly every day he had been away which is now 2 years....

I was devastated he left totally heart broken,but after a year or so all my friends started telling me I needed to move so I eventually meet a fella and started going out with him, we get on great and I have now being going out with him a year.

However my old boyfriend has since moved back home after 2 years traveling and wants to get back together...says he loves me and wants to marry me and have kids, the time part made him realise how much he loves me etc

I no longer am in love with my old boyfriend tho but I know it wouldn't take much to be back in love with him, I do however love my current boyfriend but he's just so immature for 38....he loves going out with the lads, is even talking about going on holidays with his friends, never says he loves me -he says he finds it hard to express his feelings. I also caught him sexting another girl at Xmas ....I went mental and he said he was so sorry he was just bored and he will never do it again and he had no intention of meeting there's the trust thing to.hes been great since this incident.

He never said he loved me so I asked him where I stood with him and he said he was mad about me and that he prob needs to show he's serious about us more, he says he wants kids and to get married one day...and asked me when I would like to be married, I said a few years and he said oh I was going to ask you next year...he said all this marriage stuff but I don't know if I believe him??? He was going out with a girl 7 years before me and dumped her at 36 as he said he didn't want to marry her...I'm afraid he could do the same to me :(

I don't know if I should stay with my new boyfriend who I love and get on great with but who I have trust issues with and who may never marry me or settle down, or get back with my ex who clearly loves me but I'm just not currently in love with.

So confused, my heart says my new boyfriend but my head says the old boyfriend.HELP!!!!

Re: Should you marry with your head or your heart!?? Help ;(

Posted: Sat May 02, 2015 11:09 am
by snail
Well I don't think you should be with either man. Take the old boyfriend, he says he wants to marry you, settle down, have kids etc, but he didn't want it enough to not go off travelling around the world. He gave your relationship up for what was essentially an extended holiday. Now he's had what he fancied, he's come back and wants to see if he can just pick you up again and have other things that he now wants. The time apart made him realise how much he loves you? How incredibly convenient. It didn't make him realise it until he'd had the full two years though, did it. Don't be a doormat for a guy who doesn't love you that much.

New boyfriend also doesn't sound good. If he can't say he loves you after a year together, then he is probably never going to. That stuff about "I should show I'm more serious about us" "I'm mad about you" sounds like something that someone says when they don't want to say anything that commits them but they want to placate the other person. It doesn't really mean anything. And he's sexting other girls because he's "bored" when his relationship with you is only a few months old? What is he going to be like as a husband then? I think your instincts about him never truly wanting anything serious with you are probably correct.

I also think, if either man was truly right for you, you wouldn't feel any hesitation and there wouldn't be a dilemma at all.

Re: Should you marry with your head or your heart!?? Help ;(

Posted: Thu May 07, 2015 11:47 am
by Kerrimccann83
Thank you, think its true what your saying ;( ....he has said he loves me, once after the sexting incident and once when I said I loved him...suppose that doesn't count, time to do abit of dumping FML!!!

Re: Should you marry with your head or your heart!?? Help ;(

Posted: Wed May 13, 2015 1:31 pm
by Nomad
I agree with Snail. It's a hard thing to except, but it doesn't sound like you should be with either man. They are not good enough for you. You certainly shouldn't be considering marriage.

Try and imagine each situation where the other guy doesn't exist. For example your current boyfriend. Even if your old boyfriend had not come back on the scene, or never existed, he is not a good person. He is dishonest and you have trust issues. Game over. Get outta there. You do not need to put up with that. You say you love him, but what is that based on? Lust and the fact that you 'get on'? True love is about deep connection and trust.

Imagine your old boyfriend came home and you were single. Like Snail says, what kind of person walks away like that with no commitment for the person they love, and then expects to waltz back in. You say you don't love him any more, but you could be back in love with him. That doesn't sound like love. Love isn't a choice. It just is. Yes, Snail is right, the hesitation is a big clue for you.

Quick word on the marriage thing. In our 'western culture' it is so easy to think that the right thing to do is get married. Everyone else is doing it, they are doing it on TV, the movies tell me it's all about romance and happy endings and if I don't get married I am weird or will be unhappy. Marriage is not for everyone and it is a huge deal, you definitely don't need to consider marrying guys who are not worthy of your love.
All the best and good luck x