Sounds silly - but how do I know if it's over?

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Sounds silly - but how do I know if it's over?

Postby JBrammer » Tue May 05, 2015 11:50 am

This sounds silly, but how do I know my relationship is over?
We';re still together after five years, but a difficult few months has cast doubt over whether the relationship is still right.
There are still occasions where we make each other happy, but a lot of the time I feel as though the connection has been lost - partly because of the difficulties we've been through. (See link for the full details: viewtopic.php?f=3&t=23841 )
Have we changed as people and are no longer compatible?
I sometimes get he feeling that I have fought to save the relationship, and have been determined to get through the difficulties, but having sort of made it out the other side, I'm no longer sure if it is right.
I feel as though I have bent over backwards to make this work, with very little concessions being made on her part. Have we just come to a natural end point?
Or is there still hope for us to repair and move forward?
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Re: Sounds silly - but how do I know if it's over?

Postby Bel Bel » Wed May 06, 2015 11:15 am

Only you can decide if you still want to be in the relationship but it certainly sounds like your aren't very happy
Have you been for any couples counselling
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Re: Sounds silly - but how do I know if it's over?

Postby JBrammer » Wed May 06, 2015 12:32 pm

We've not been for any counselling - but I'm not sure my girlfriend would want to do that.
I've basically had an ultimatum or any more parent related arguments and its over.
I'm not sure whether asking would make things end or not - and to be honest I'm scared to approach the subject.

I've trying to take my time and not rush into a decision. I want to make sure I get it right whatever I do.
Plus it is harder now as I'm living with her at her parents house.
She has turned down, at least for now, the chance or even to look at us getting somewhere together - renting. she doesn't want to just yet because of everything we've been through - despite having five years together behind us.
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Re: Sounds silly - but how do I know if it's over?

Postby Bel Bel » Thu May 07, 2015 12:47 pm

It is never good to be in a relationship where you cannot say what is upsetting you and deal with it rationally. The fact you are afraid to bring up the subject of your parents is a big red flag.
She should allow you to see your parents separately from her if she is really going to continue to hold this resentment with them.
What happens if one of your parents gets ill, or you decide to get married, have children. Are you really going to cut your parents off from this pivotal moments in your life
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Re: Sounds silly - but how do I know if it's over?

Postby JBrammer » Wed May 13, 2015 1:34 pm

We seem to be in a very up and down situation - not helped wit heh stresses of work. I'm a journalist and she is a primary school teacher.
At times I've been very down about things - and have cried to myself in each of the last three days due top stress and just feeling overwhelmed with everything - work, life, the relationship.
Some days we still get on really well together - when it is just us. others there is a tension and we argue - usually coming back round to the issue of my parents.
This isn't helped my me staying with her at her parents house - which I've been doing for two months in an attempt to try and settle things down between us.
I still think/hope there is a good relationship in there that can be saved, but it is proving hard to get there and it does make me doubt at times whether I can do it - especially as I feel at times as if I'm doing all the giving and conceding.
I don't want to end the relationship because of what my parents have said - which was out of order and rude - but that they have seemingly genuinely apologised for and regret - which I have accepted but my girlfriend has not.
It seems like such a trivial reason to give up on the relationship, which has been happy for the best part of five years.
But I feel down and depressed about it at times and it is affecting all the other areas of my life as well.
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Re: Sounds silly - but how do I know if it's over?

Postby David020549 » Thu May 14, 2015 7:09 am

Living with parents in my opinion is absolute desparation level for a couple, you just cannot interact naturally with each other with parents within earshot and this causes unbearable stress in the relationship. My wife and I banned our daughters from staying even overnight with boyfriends for this reason and they grew up emotionally very quickly and learned how to live as a couple.
If you are both working there is no reason that you cannot rent a flat so that is the first move , there is no long term housing commitment and you will find out very quickly if the relationship is going to work, either it will or it won't, it never will with mum and dad.
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Re: Sounds silly - but how do I know if it's over?

Postby Bel Bel » Wed May 27, 2015 8:36 am

You also sound depressed so you may not be dealing with things rationally. Get some help for your depression either via the doctor or go for some private counselling
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Re: Sounds silly - but how do I know if it's over?

Postby buddhababe83 » Sat Jul 25, 2015 5:10 pm

I think that the last poster is right. Counselling would be a good idea. I also think that getting your own space would give you chance to clear your head. You need to ask yourself some honest questions such as: what do I expect from a relationship and is this current relationship giving me what I want/need? If the answer is 'no' then you have some difficult decisons to make. I'm afraid it is no use expecting the other person to change, you have got to make the changes. If your girlfriend really wannts to make it work, she will put in the effort. If not then, as difficult as it is to accept, it's time to move on. Life is too short. it sounds like you are putting all the work in and that is not good. I can speak from experience. i stayed with my ex for nine years, trying to make it work and hoping that she would change. She didn't and it all affected both my physical and mental health. I finally made the decision to leave which was not easy but seven years later I can honestly say I did the right thing. Good luck.
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