I'm not sure where to go from here...

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I'm not sure where to go from here...

Postby the_whelp » Thu May 07, 2015 4:02 pm

So, about a year and a half ago, I met a guy at a bar. He was really good-looking, and we hit it off. I was out with a few male friends, and it was a weird night. I hadn't dressed up or anything, I was just wearing jeans and a shirt. I don't even think I was wearing make-up. I'm not overly attractive either, but I was getting a lot of male attention. This guy, however, wasn't the same as the others. He was really friendly, but not in the suggestive way other men were being. We just had the chats. My group moved on to a club or whatever, and that was that.

A month or so later, I was sitting in a lecture. I had been out partying the night before, so I was tired and hungover. I probably looked a state too. At the end of the hour, this guy who had been sitting beside me turned around and said "I think we've met before". It was the guy from the bar! We sat and chatted for a few minutes, and then I said I needed to go home and sleep, as I was absolutely dying of a hangover. He laughed and said that it didn't look like that was the case at all. Despite my weary state, I definitely blushed at that. I felt...warm inside. That's the best way I can describe it. And that weird feeling is a common occurrence in this story. He makes me feel warm inside.

Now, I'm sure it's clear from what's been said already, but just to clarify, this is what we're dealing with. I'm a woman in my twenties, and I'm in university. This guy - we'll call him Joe - is a bit older, and studying at the same uni. I'm from the city we're both studying in, but he's from further afield. Up until this point, Joe and I had met in a bar, and in a class the day after a night out. You'd imagine that there would be lots of people who I could ask for a bit of background information on him. Is he single? Is he straight? Do you think he's into me? Stuff like that. Also, it's 2015, so I'm sure none of us are strangers to the idea of scoping someone out on Facebook. The thing is, Joe doesn't have Facebook, quite a bizarre thing for someone in our demographic.

Over the next few months, Joe and I would run into each other around college, stop and catch-up very quickly, before moving on. I didn't think about him in a romantic sense very often, for the simple reason that Facebook is, in this day and age, quite a crucial step in the "courtship" process. Joe's lack of presence on this social media platform meant that aside from these brief meetings, he wasn't at the forefront of my mind very often. However, when we ran into each other, I was instantly reminded of how much I liked the guy, and how a relationship with Joe wouldn't be something I'd object to.

At some point during our accidental meetings, Joe and I exchanged numbers. This helped us keep in contact even when chance hadn't meant we'd encountered each other in person. It was around this time I started innocently asking around about this boy, to see what information I could get on him. There was little to none available. From what I could make out, very few people had ever talked to Joe, and those who had didn't know too much about him. He kept to himself, I was told, and he didn't really seem interested in socialising. Nobody had ever seen him flirting with a girl either. I took all this with a pinch of salt, naturally. We students aren't known for being the most observant creatures ever. It did ignite a spark of hope in me though. Nobody had ever seen him with a girl? I knew he had an interest in women though, even if he was not purely straight. He had mentioned a girlfriend to me, though he had used the past tense: "My girlfriend used to..." With such thinking in mind, we ended the academic year. During the summer, Joe and I started conversing through the medium of Snapchat. It was this new development that eventually brought things to a head.

Now, for anyone who doesn't know, Snapchat is an app where you take photos and send them to your friends, along with a short message. There is also a chat function, so you can send "texts" of whatever length. The big twist is that none of these messages are permanent - the most you can view a picture is 10 seconds. On the commencement of the new academic year, Joe and I became regular Snapmates. We seemed to run into each other less - we no longer shared classes. However, through the app, we could keep up with the other's life. I always got the impression that Joe's messages were just for me, whereas other people would send the same image to a whole load of people. I must admit, I tended to send more general snaps, but when Joe replied, we would start a one-on-one "conversation". I always felt that bubble of warmth welling up inside me when I saw Joe's name on my phone. It was during the exchange of these pictures that the compliments began again. In general, these messages include a picture of your face in them. Soon, Joe would remark on how I looked in these brief flashes of my face- "Your hair looks so shiny", "Your eyes are massive". Things like that. However, he didn't do it very often, which made me think that the compliments were genuine. I responded by commenting on how pretty his eyes were (they're a very unusual colour).

One day, I received a snap from Joe saying that he could see me. I looked around to find him a few metres behind me. We proceeded to perambulate around the campus, chatting about any and every little thing we could think of. This impromptu meeting led to a lot of physical contact - inadvertent touching each other's arms to make a point, his hand on my back as we walked, things like that. There was nothing inappropriate about this touching, and it was all so brief, it was almost like I was imagining it. I definitely didn't imagine the feeling of warmth that made a reappearance, lasting well after we parted, almost two hours after first running into each other. It was at that moment I realised that I actually liked Joe.

It was from then on that things escalated. Our snaps became much more frequent, meaning that we were having several conversations each day. The topics were widely varied and I really enjoyed opening each of his messages. There was an incident where, while discussing a celebrity's attractiveness, Joe called me hot, in a subtle way. I chose to deliberately misinterpret his message, embarrassed, but his next snap reiterated that sentiment, telling me he thought I was attractive. These very subtle comments continued, along with all our other conversations. I returned Joe's light-hearted flirting, but equally subtly. Neither of us ever explicitly expressed our feelings, though I wondered if I should. I eventually settled on suggesting we meet up again - ostensibly for a coffee. Joe agreed, telling me he was looking forward to it. As we have exams on at the minute, neither of us made any moves to specify a particular day. We ran into each other again last week, and after a half-hour's conversation, we parted, agreeing to meet very soon.

Over the weekend, we communicated in much the same way. However, I did notice that when our conversations came to a natural end, and I chose not to continue them, Joe would make a visible effort to keep talking. Monday night, I had a dream, that involved Joe. The next morning, I informed him of the dream's content, though I avoided telling him how the dream ended - with him in my bed. Yesterday afternoon, the content of our conversation turned a bit raunchier, though it was done in the same, joking manner as always. It was I who ended that particular chat, and a few hours later, Joe had messaged me again. After midnight, we had returned more or less to the earlier conversation, and I mentioned the fact that my dream had contained a bit more than I had told him before. Joe asked directly if sex had been involved, and when I confirmed it, he seemed very pleased with himself. In fact, he asked if the dream had been "good", and implied that dreams could come true, basically.

Floundering, I tried to think of a semi-decent response. I didn't want to dismiss the idea of him and I getting together, but I didn't like the idea of encouraging a purely sexual relationship. While I was still thinking, Joe sent another message. In it, he mentioned that his girlfriend probably wouldn't be happy if she knew what we had been talking about. As the hopes that had crept into my brain over the past few weeks shattered, I quickly sent a response apologising for telling him. A part of me argued that surely Joe shouldn't have encouraged such a conversation, but I knew that nobody had forced me to tell him any details of my dream, and indeed it was hardly HIS fault that I'd dreamt what I had. Joe's response was a return to our joking manner, telling me not to worry. Mortified, I didn't reply. All night, all I could think of was how much time I'd spent conversing with another woman's boyfriend. I told myself I wouldn't contact him again. How could I? But this morning, I received a message from Joe, asking if I wasn't speaking to him any more.
I'm not sure how I should behave now. Do we continue on? I'm sure that I haven't been imagining all the small hints of mutual attraction. But he has a girlfriend, so I must have been. I feel so silly. But yet...when I saw his name this morning, I still couldn't rid myself of that oh-so familiar warm feeling inside me.

What do I do?
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Re: I'm not sure where to go from here...

Postby rufio89 » Fri May 08, 2015 12:34 pm

Im sure you didnt imagine it but it sounds like this guy is trying to have his cake and eat it too.

I think he probably does like you but he doesnt sound like someone who treats his girlfriend with a lot of respect - I know I wouldnt like it if I found out my fiance had a secret female friend he chatted to every single day without telling me.

I could have it all wrong though and he could have thought your friendship was purely platonic and dropped the girlfriend comment in when he realised you felt more.

So where you go from here is up to you - if you think you can be friends with him and it not be unpleasant for you, by all means do. It's really really hard though being friends with someone you have feelings for.

Sorry it worked out this way, I feel for you :(
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Re: I'm not sure where to go from here...

Postby Mrconfused74 » Fri May 08, 2015 2:12 pm

It's difficult place to be in, when you get feelings for someone, then find out they are actually attached, whilst in my situation I knew she had a BF I knew that things weren't perhaps altogether ok between them.
Which may be the case here, he may have fallen for you too, or he's just looking for some excitement while away from home. All the signs you gave of touching while talking, holding your back as you walk, could be indicators that he's flirting, or they may just be how he is. The messages could well be him just being a natural flirt, and when things get too serious he may well back off. The decision is whether now knowing he has a GF can you just be friends with him, as he obviously makes you happy, and you talk a lot. Or just walk away? Perhaps what you can do is try not to respond so quickly, let him know that he isn't all you think about, and let him wait for your reply. This way you will distance yourself from him, without completely cutting yourself off. You know he has a Gf so I'm assuming you won't take things further or allow him too.
And just see if the friendship can continue, or if it's too awkward then you may well need to stop. We can't help falling for people, sometimes they are in a relationship, and that just makes it harder. I get that feeling too every time I see her, I look forward to talking to her, and if I don't I do feel down. I've started to try backing off, not chatting so often, but it's hard specially as we seem to help each other through stuff. Good luck,
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Re: I'm not sure where to go from here...

Postby miaow » Sun May 10, 2015 6:20 pm

tell him you feel awkward as you didn't realise he had a girlfriend. He should realise and accept it. No harm in friendship but you two seemed to be getting close. He does appear to have been flirting with you, which isn't fair to his gf or to you.
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