Pregnancy quandary.

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Pregnancy quandary.

Postby Goingbananas » Mon May 11, 2015 8:27 pm

Hi all,

This is my first post here and I'm not normally one to seek advice. But on this occasion I've found myself in a situation where I really don't know what to do.

Basically I had a very brief fling with a 21 year old girl a few months ago. Im ashamed to say I knew she had a boyfriend but we still slept together twice. She lives near me and her boyfriend lives 40 miles away. I know they only saw each other once in a blue moon as she's in university and he runs a small company 50 miles way. We very vaguely kept in touch until she sent me a message saying she was six weeks pregnant. She told me it was nothing to do with me and I accepted it because I knew it had been around 12 weeks since we slept together. We haven't been in contact since.

Anyway, the problem I have is that she has recently put her due date on facebook (we're not friends on there but I have to admit I've had the occasional nosey at her profile because I wasn't completely convinced). I've put the due date into many online conception calculators and they all come up with the date we last slept together (no more than one day either side).

Having seen this, I trawled through all of our old text conversations and she told me at the time time that she had worked for three weeks straight at her evening job (meaning there was no time for 80 mile round trips) and was "not getting along" with her boyfriend.

So now I don't know how I feel about this. She's clearly decided that her boyfriend is going to be the father to her child even though it's almost certain that it is mine. Admittedly I can't be 100% certain of this but it's highly likely.

When I say that she had done the usual thing of posting the ultrasound photo on Facebook I felt really weird about it all as I knew I may be looking at my own son who I may never know. It made me quite sad actually. I also felt guilt towards her boyfriend who has been buying baby clothes and may possibly be about to spend his life bringing up a child who isn't his.

But what can I do? This girl has long since ended all contact with me (we left it on good terms) and it is clear that her intentions don't involve me. I fully respect and understand her decision but I really don't feel comfortable with it.

Can I ask what other forum users would do in my situation? Your thoughts would be much appreciated.
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Re: Pregnancy quandary.

Postby David020549 » Tue May 12, 2015 7:07 am

If this young lady was sleeping with you and her boyfriend who else was she seeing?, do not discount that she "forgot" to mention about a few visits the boyfriend made. In the event she has decided who the father is going to be so leave it at that, there is no logic or reason to her decision, this has happend frequently in the past but now with DNA testing it can be confirmed many years later.
From her point of view she seems to be on cloud nine broadcasting the pregnancy do not spoil that for her by being a complication, at this time she needs as little stress as possible so do not try to contact her in fact it's better to delete all contact details. Of course you will always wonder was it "mine" but resist the temptation, the boyfriend may be checking her phone.
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Re: Pregnancy quandary.

Postby snail » Tue May 12, 2015 9:07 am

I'm afraid I don't agree with David's stance. I agree that you may be jumping to conclusions somewhat (if she has put her due date on her Facebook page then she obviously isn't that worried about the timing, which suggests there is no problem. She may well have slept with the boyfriend around the same time after all, you don't know that she didn't) but if you are concerned in this way it isn't going to go away. You will always be wondering and thinking about the child, and it will only get worse. Additionally, a child's true parentage does matter - it matters in terms of their medical health, and it matters in terms of the way others relate to them (if she is always trying to conceal the child's orgins, it may affect how she treats it, and likewise if the partner begins to wonder if it isn't his because it doesn't look right, it may affect what kind of father he is). The only time you can sort these kind of things without huge trauma to all involved is before the child is born or around the time of birth.

Contact her as discreetly as possible, explain your concerns, and see what she says.
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Re: Pregnancy quandary.

Postby David020549 » Wed May 13, 2015 7:03 am

I would probably agree with Snail if the connection was more than the " casual or fleeting " encounter that it seems. Let's call this girl Jane, she has decided predictably to have this baby benefiting from the security and support of her boyfriend and the baby will be registered with it the boyfriend as father. Maybe it is, maybe not and there are thousands of women who are not sure who the father of their child is and are not being entirely open with their partner.

It is much better for Jane and the baby to be in a stable lasting relationship and I hope that happens, by contacting her she will probably think you are going to claim some "rights" over the child that are going to spoil her plans. As the child grows up she will become pretty sure who the actual father is and according to her circumstances at the time will choose what to do and any inheritance issues will need to be dealt with at the time.

Your concern for her is understandable but interfering now is only going to be negative, do remember that if the child is proved yours she could claim maintenence that can be 15% of your income.
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