Boyfriends ex wants to meet me

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Boyfriends ex wants to meet me

Postby jadegirl » Fri May 15, 2015 6:11 pm

Sorry if this is a long post.
I was wondering if I could get some objective views please as I'm worried I'm letting my ego get the better of me and am doubting myself
I have 3 year old twins, I'm currently going through a divorce and never expected to meet anyone in the same position as me who really is what I thought the best thing to happen to me
My boyfriend of only 3 months has custody of two girls, aged 8 and 13 and we have been very careful to not meet each others children and to wait until my divorce goes through as my two are so young and I respect my exes feelings are still raw etc. We have been over almost a year now but he has found it hard to accept it's over.
Anyway the problem I'm having is my boyfriends ex calls him quite a lot while we're together, all over silly things but even though they split up over 8 years ago I can't help feeling it's to assert her domination and she has caused a few problems with exes of his in the past, I'm trying not to let her ruin what we have.
Now she has said that she wants to meet me before I meet his girls, and at first I was ok with it, but then I've found out his three exes met his girls and one even said she's not getting the better of me and would only speak on the phone. Now I understand 3 women are a lot for his girls to have met, and he accepts he was silly to allow his feelings to cloud his judgement. I'm not bothered about meeting his kids until we are more serious, that's not my issue but I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with her vetting me, basically deeming me worthy and I can't help thinking its all very dramatic and over the top.
I have children, I appreciate I haven't got to that stage yet with my ex but his girls are a lot older and I feel it should be my boyfriends place to tell her I'm decent and trustworthy (not necessarily now) and that he needs to stand up to her more.
Today I told him I'm not going to meet her that she was the one who lost custody (due to a drink problem), that I'm a good mum and don't think it's unreasonable for her to phone me rather than meet just to have a good nose and see what I look like. I've got nothing to hide, but she's very dominating and I don't know if I'm doing the right thing standing up for myself, risking breaking up in the end over a point even though my BF says that's wouldn't happen. I could tell by his sigh he was thinking it's happening again but it should be down to him to break the control she has. His children are not babies, we're not living together and I'm not pushing to meet. He said ok leave it till the wedding (we and his children are going in August) and I said no you don't get it, I don't ever want to meet her. she's your ex not mine and I wouldn't expect him to meet my ex I would expect him to accept my judgement that I wouldn't let my children meet just anyone and why was he happy to let the three exes meet and stand up to her then?
Even though he wants to do it right this time I have a niggling feeling if I do this now it's giving her power and she'll know she still has a say over him and it will make us seem less relevant if that makes sense?
I'm not some young kid, but I don't know anyone else this has happened to the exes should be amicable and stay on friendly terms and of course if there were an event where she would be there I'd accept maybe meeting first to break the ice but there's no reason for me to go on an interview, especially by someone who lost that right when she lost custody. I don't feel she has the right to judge me and even if it were just a quick cup of coffee, my feelings should be considered by my boyfriend as I had enough of feeling invisible by my ex husband. I may just be being overly sensitive but a few people I've spoken to about this think she's being ridiculous. I feel very strongly about it one minute then doubt myself thinking is it such a big thing but she's the type who clicks her fingers and expects him to drop everything when he's with someone over trivial things which makes me think there's more to it. I trust him and have no jealousy at all and I feel selfish as I know he's been patient regarding my divorce but I would never ask him to do something he's uncomfortable with and if, as his words, she would then make it difficult for me to meet his kids I'm more concerned over her dominance and his failure to stand up to her. she doesn't hold all the cards surely? Thanks and sorry again its soo long
jadegirl
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Re: Boyfriends ex wants to meet me

Postby David020549 » Sun May 17, 2015 7:01 am

You are right to be cautious his ex must have quite bad drink / personality problems to loose custody of girls and I don't think you should meet her - ever. As for the children, if the relationship progresses you are set to become mum to his girls and if his ex is allowed to interfere continually it could be hell. Her idea of family order is quite likely very different to yours, so your boyfriend is going to have to decide you or her.
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Re: Boyfriends ex wants to meet me

Postby jadegirl » Sun May 17, 2015 11:18 am

Wow, thanks David for your reply. I had been thinking maybe I was being unreasonable and making it more about him and her rather than her being a worried mum. I do find it strange and suspect it's more about curiosity meeting the woman he's serious about but we spoke after I posted this and he said he'd never want me to do something I didn't want to do and that she just wanted to meet for a quick coffee where she could say yeah she's really nice and then if we ever went away she'd be happy.
I've left it for now, I said I would probably meet one day but that it would be on my terms and not hers, and made it clear she's in no position to judge my skills as a mother. I appreciate she has an illness but I am of the same opinion as you, she clearly has issues and I have no desire to meet with her, just to satisfy her curiosity. I seriously doubt she is just doing it as a concerned mother, she just wants to throw her weight around.
Thanks for making me realise it's not just me being paranoid. I really appreciate you taking time out to reply.
jadegirl
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