What went wrong?

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What went wrong?

Postby NMe1992 » Sun May 24, 2015 12:31 am

My relationship has gone, it's gone beyond repair and will never come back, but maybe someone on here of experience can tell me where it all went wrong, or if anything was wrong? To help me clear my mind so I can move on, this is a lengthy story and I appreciate it's a bit of a read but please, I need other peoples council.

I'm a guy of 22, I'd never been in a relationship before this girl came along,I'd always been very shy and lacked confidence with women.
She was 25 and an au pair from Sweden, she'd been around the world as an au pair and had only been in the UK for a year, We met in a nightclub back in July 2014, we hit it off straight away and began dating, everything was perfect, she had a long list of ex's who according to her had either beaten her or cheated on her, one had even raped her.
We both had a lot of love to give to the right person so our romance was strong and our relationship really progressed well, my family loved her, my friends became her friends, we went places, did things together, exactly how you expect a couple to be! I had no complaints and I truly loved her! My new career was lifting off, Life was great, we enjoyed 7 months of each other with no complaints, I treated her like a princess, she hated her home country fleeing a dysfunctional family and was overwhelmed with my family accepting her, she was involved in all family occasions and loved weekends when we'd go visit, she wanted to quit Au Pairing and start a new life with me, get a well paid job and a place to call her own, we planned to get a flat together and build a life, this is where everything starts to go wrong....

She got herself a weekend job in a bar, on top of her au paring during the week, we saw each other less but I fully supported her and she enjoyed it there, however on top of seeing each other less, when we were together it wasn't the same, she was short tempered with me, she would bicker with me over silly things and would avoid meeting up for drinks or lunch, a month went by and it got to the point where she would ignore my texts, avoid meeting up, was rude and ignorant to me, then one day she left her Facebook signed into my phone and I saw messages to a guy she worked with, he was a chef from Poland and new in town, they'd been chatting for a few weeks but their conversations disturbed me, they were flirting, complimenting each other, talking in a sexual manner, they'd been meeting up, she'd been honest with me with that she was meeting up with "work mates" but not sometimes just him.

I'm not a controlling or dominating person and I fully encouraged her to make her own friends but I was getting concerned, then one weekend she lied to me that she was working late and declined diiner and whilst walking through town to the gym I saw her in a bar with him, my heart sunk, I called her and text her asking how work was and she lied saying she was too busy with work to call so I called her bluff and called the bar she worked at and asked what time she finished so I knew when to pick her up, the manager told me they'd shut 2 hours ago and my girlfriend had left, he said he'd call her to make contact with me....which she did.

I didnt swear at her, I didn't shout, I was firm and fair and tried to be reasonable and that's when she delivered the bombshell, she wasn't sure if she loved me enough, I went to finish things there and then but she broke down and told me she couldn't lose me from her life, she said she'd make an effort to fix things and move forward together, we spent more time together and eventually got the flat a couple of weeks later, but it wasn't the same, she was constantly miserable, angry and tired, she was still rude, neglectful of me, horrible and cruel, there was no intimacy or passion, she would recoil to the other side of the bed at the slightest touch or argue with me and storm off if I tried to cuddle her or touch her, we hadn't had sex in a month and a half, my heart was breaking, it was time to check again....

I logged back onto her Facebook, I never signed out of it, to my shock she was STILL doing the same with the Polish guy, BUT she was now messaging her ex-boyfriend in the States saying how she couldn't get him out of her head and wanted him back AND was also messaging a new Slovakian Chef at the bar, their flirting was much more aggressive and very sexual, this continued for a week or so, I was too weak to act, I didn't want to lose her, I loved her!

We organised a date night, but had to cancel it when she "fainted" at work but happily went out drinking with her work lot the next day, we then had a good day Saturday shopping in town as I bought her a necklace and dress for a birthday that night, she held my hand out of choice and said she loved just walking around with me but I was confused because I knew what she was doing behind my back, because of her being moody that evening as she left the party to go the bar and see the Slovakian guy and I came with her we had a big argument, I then saw her messages to him mocking me, saying how much she wanted to leave me and asked if he'd wait for her till me and her were over, she then left to meet him that night as I sat in a bar crying my eyes out drinking with her facebook opened in front of me as the messages popped up in real time.

Given my job, if I made her homeless and something happened to her it would have severe repercussions on me I called her ex host Dad and asked if she could come back, he refused given the circumstances, saying she could come back if it was ME who was cheating but not her, he thought highly of me and came down and had a beer with me and gave me some advice and we chatted about it all, he said he'd always thought she was an attention seeker and loved it when men were around her, I'd also heard rumours from a friend that my girlfriend had snogged 2 men in a club back in January however they refrained from telling me as my Uncle passed away around that time and I was upset enough.

This is where my story comes to an end, that night I went back to the flat, she came in a few hours later, crying and upset, she sat next to me and stroked me saying she was sorry, I was in some sort of half sleep limbo though and emotionally drained so didn't reply or move, the next day I read her messages, she'd cheated on me that night when she went to see him, I was distraught, I waited for her to return from work and confronted her, she just held her head in shame then I lost control and started shouting at her, she left, I called my parents and explained everything I've told you guys above, they came round to support me, then she came home with a friend to collect her thing, my mum went mad at her, but she took it all, she didn't argue or shout back, she was apologising to my dad for all she had done but he didn't care, that broke my heart, my dad and her were like best friends and now he was doing what was necessary and told her to continue packing.

That night she text me how amazing I am as a man and a person, that she was deeply sorry for all she did to me and that she wished she'd been honest when she lost her feelings for me, but then the next day my friend told her I'd had access to her facebook and had seen EVERY SINGLE message she sent to these guys and that I'd also met with her ex-host dad, she went mad at me, I got text messages full of hate, swearing and abuse and to get out off her life forever, saying I had overstepped the mark.

That was a month ago she left, she was part of my life every single day since we met, and now she's gone....
I'm healing and coping, but she never gave me any answers, never told me why, please, if any of this is relatable to you, or you can make sense of it, please tell me your opinion.

Thank you for your time and patience.
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Re: What went wrong?

Postby Bel Bel » Wed May 27, 2015 8:40 am

Sometimes you have to accept you just won't get a straight answer
Throughout your relationship she was devious so you couldn't trust anything she said now anyway
Try to put it down to experience and remember you feel in love with who you thought she was not who she really is
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

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Re: What went wrong?

Postby Tarantula » Wed May 27, 2015 10:30 am

Oh my, it sounds like you've been through hell. :/

It also sounds like you put her on a pedestal, perhaps due to your own naiveté and lack of relationship experience, wanting to save her perhaps?

She is clearly someone with a lot of issues probably originating from childhood, and sadly people who have had traumatic early experiences tend to grow up wanting to 'get the world back' in some way or another. They're fundamentally angry and feel justified manipulating other people because, really, from whom were they meant to learn decent values and compassion?

That is, I'm assuming all she's told you is true about her background, and it sounds like it is. She's gone through life carrying the victim label, the poor me, the 'it's okay for me to screw other people over because I'VE been screwed over.' Bad circumstances tend to beget bad people.

Sometimes we don't know what's good for us. She is going to feel inherently drawn to unsuitable partners, modelling off her parents' relationship no doubt. Even though you offered the kind of stability and affection that could do her some good, for her you probably became a bit boring, a bit too nice. This is called irony. She's rather go with equally messed up guys who recreate some struggle from her childhood, than sit still with a partner who offers her the foundation from which she could really confront her demons.

What I'm saying is, it's easier for her to distract herself with a series of bad affairs than to be in a secure, longterm relationship. Deep down, she doesn't feel she deserves such a happy ending. She's taking the McDonalds way out because that's what is familiar to her. There's an element of self-sabotage in all that she does.

So although you probably feel quite rejected and hurt by these events, try to take comfort in what I think is the fact that she didn't go off with other guys because you weren't good enough - she in fact did it because you're TOO good; too stable, too secure, too sorted - and she can't process it. She doesn't know how to deal when someone decent actually shows up because then what happens to the stories she's been telling herself about how much of a victim she is in life? How will she be able to complain in future about how awful all her exes are? Being a victim is her childhood experience and her adult comfort zone. By trying to be there for her, you were coming up against psychological realities that go so much deeper than just you and her; deep-rooted complexities that you just can't win against no matter how much you want to make her see how good you undoubtably are for her.

You can't save a damsel who loves her distress. For her to see things clearly, she would need to take a long and searching moral inventory of who she is, what she's done, and the real reasons she did it. This is painful. She'd rather distract herself because it's easier and more intuitive and is simply her nature. It is unlikely she will ever stay still for long enough to arrive at these conclusions; most probably she will continue acting out her victimhood. As much as it's too bad for her, that's only half the truth - 'cause you've tried to do right by her, and now she's using YOU.

That's enough about her. Let's talk about you. Why did you suppress when you found out what was going on? Why didn't you confront her sooner rather than try to pretend you didn't know about it? Why didn't you value yourself high enough to not chase a girl who clearly doesn't respect you? Hmmmmm, now that's YOUR difficult stuff that it's easier to not look at. We all fall short of ourselves sometimes, but I hope the next time a girl messes you about in that way you'll be able to step back and think 'do I really want to be with someone like that?'

I think you will come to see all this as a blessing in disguise in future. The fact that she lacked the humility to take it when she found out you'd been reading her messages, and instead tried to turn it back on you (rendering her previous apology kind of meaningless), tells me that she'll probably never sort herself out, or at least, definitely not with you/as a result of this episode. Now you're just another bad story in her life which she gets to whinge to the next guy about in a secretly desperate bid for him to save her in light of her suffering - and yet if he actually tried to, she'd find him boring and cheat/leave anyway!

She's a hurting child who needs to realise that it's not just about her pain, her saga of woe, her feelings and that her actions have a definite impact on others. You're a well-intentioned but perhaps naive guy who needs to put himself first and not hang around trying to save somebody who ultimately doesn't wanna be helped.

You'll be okay, it's just gonna take time and realisations.
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Re: What went wrong?

Postby NMe1992 » Wed May 27, 2015 12:28 pm

Tarantula, it scares me how much sense your post makes! Every paragraph fitted in as an answer perfectly to what I experienced and it makes so much sense in reflection!

I did try to save her, I knew she was damaged, when we first met I could tell from her attitude, manners and dress sense that she was a "loose cannon" but as she spent more time with me, with my family, with my friends she slowly changed like she dressed more sensibly, she didn't cake make up over herself etc, I did above and beyond to make her happy because she made me happy and I swore to her I'd always look after her, that she didn't need to fear her past anymore, because she did have a few panic attacks, I remember there was a week where she had nightmares that her Dad was coming for her, she had a panic attack in the car, I pulled over and cradled her in the seat, I was there for her with everything, and I didn't mind, I loved being there for her.

I remember on Valentines day, I asked her how she'd spent her previous ones, she told me the last one her boyfriend was with his wife, the one before she got beaten up because he didn't do anything, I made sure I gave her the perfect day and I delivered it, the words she wrote in her card bought me to tears with what she was saying, in a way we were both broken and saved each other, except I was willing to continue being happy.

My friends call me a fool, why did I suppress it? Most men being cheated on wouldn't have access to the evidence I had and I did nothing with it, that was my mistake, maybe I thought ignorance was bliss, maybe I felt that she was stressed and confused and what she was doing wasn't her fault? Maybe I still thought I could save her further or maybe I just didn't want to lose her at all despite how she was treating me, because we did have moments of happiness within that misery, barely a week before we split up I woke up to our notice board in the corridor covered in love hearts and "I love you" written in Swedish, I woke up to a text of her saying it too but she was still messaging those guys.


From what I've heard she has moved In with the Slovakian chef, he lives in a too. Above the bar, they are now friends with benefits, she's also going out and about snogging and staying with other guys who work there,
My friend who works with her at the nursery has told me she's rapidly going down hill, she's on a final written warning as she keeps falling asleep in care of children, she boasted as she now lives in a bar she can drink every night and had come I. Hungover, money is also going missing and they suspect it's her.

I couldn't save her, because she couldn't save herself, and I'm left with the pain
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Re: What went wrong?

Postby Tarantula » Sun May 31, 2015 10:41 am

Yes, you've essentially been used up and discarded. But she isn't consciously thinking that, even if that is what it is.

I think the best points you can take away from this whole experience are:

1. This isn't personal. She is playing out her self-fulfilling prophecy and if your level of love and support didn't intervene with that, do you think someone else's will? She isn't going to find some perfect balance in a guy between being supportive and being dysfunctional; sadly, she will carry on her merry path and the only person who can change that is her. Outside influences, however positive, will not be enough to make the difference until and unless SHE has the moment of revelation which involves admitting that she's been bringing on a lot of her adult problems herself. She probably DID care for you and DID recognise how healthy you are for her... but it's in the mix with so many other unhealthy dynamics in how she relates to guys, learnt early on - and ultimately the dysfunctional side of her won. It wasn't all fake, all the lovey stuff she did for you (although perhaps it was overcompensatory in the ending stages)... some of it was real, just like you sorta enjoy a good vegetarian meal, but if you get the whiff of McDonalds coming from next door, however you may try to deny it, deep down you gonna always crave that and gravitate towards that even though you know it's not good for you. She is taking the McDonalds way out of dealing with her problems by, as I said before, distracting herself with surface level relationship drama, to avoid the abyss of having to open that Pandora's Box of repressed childhood pain. That's what it's really about. It therefore has little to do with you, and you could've been any decent chap, and the result would've been the same.

2. You're a compassionate person who deserves somebody who can meet you on that level. As much as you may be beating yourself up for wanting to save her, given where it got you, the truth is (as I see it) that it just means you're a kind, caring human being who genuinely wanted to support the lady you loved. There are worse things. It's just that your efforts were wasted in this case and you didn't get the outcome you wanted. Eventually you'll find someone who has problems like your ex did, but maybe less so - enough to be able to appreciate your supportive nature. She'll be just the right amount of troubled, and you'll be just the right amount of saviour, and everything will gel nicely. As much as the ideal is for two completely whole people to come together and form a completely whole and idyllic relationship, in reality I think pretty much everyone falls short of this - we all got issues. All of us. For you, you err on the saviour side of life because that's your personality so instead of feeling like it's a weakness, I would encourage you to embrace the flip side, that you're kind, and therefore should be with someone who is also kind, or at least able to appreciate that side of you and not take advantage of it due to their own stories.

3. Set better boundaries next time. You say you knew she was damaged in the early days, well, listen to that little voice next time. Don't be so quick to rush in there with the cape on (even though you're compassionate); understand that sometimes it's better to skip the part where you get hurt, and let them play out their pre-existing prophecies on someone else. Be compassionate towards YOU too. You didn't need all this stress and heartbreak and the cheating and all that - it's just awful. Spare yourself next time, by looking to see if there's more to a potential relationship than just you wanting to save her.

What Tarantula '8 Ball' Problem Pages predicts will happen next:

Provided you stay no contact, she will contact you within about three months, maybe when it all goes tits up with whoever she's distracting herself with at the moment. She'll hit a really low point and fire off a text message, and it'll be up to you to decide whether you want to re-open it or not. I'd suggest not, obviously, because it's unlikely that she'll be coming from a place of genuine self-realisation and willingness to sort her things out. But don't think she hasn't noticed that you were good for her. She knows. That's why she's probably trying so hard to demonise you now in her mind. She needs to believe you were this rotten deceitful person who went through her messages. Easier that than to admit deep down that she messed it up.

Let us know!

PS - I relate to this girl. I see some of myself there, as someone who's also been running and using unsuitable relationships as a distraction/form of self-destructive behaviour. It is just easier than holding still and looking within. So much easier.
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Re: What went wrong?

Postby NMe1992 » Sun May 31, 2015 11:10 am

Thank you T.

Yeah, again you make complete sense, she knows she's done wrong, her ex host Dad invited me for a beer yesterday to see how I was, he said she came round during the week to collect some mail but she came round about mid afternoon, she knew they'd all be out at work and that the new au pair had to get it for her, she knew they were all at work and is embarrassed because they all sided with me.

She also attempted to rekindle friendships with my friends, because she did get on very well with them, apart from one who insists on staying friends with her, they've all told her where to go and what she's lost, the friend who kept in contact kept forwarding me their conversations despite my protests, my ex was calling me an a-hole and that I made her sick when she thinks about me, but when I spoke to that friend I used similar language knowing some part would get relayed back to her not meaning it because I was still "grieving" for her.

I too have predicted she'll contact me, she contacted 2 exes whilst she was with me, both of whom hurt her and screwed her over, and stayed in 'civil' contact with them, they were desperate for her back though I think that's why she liked the attention, me? I don't know, she may think I want her back but if she does contact me I will show no mercy no matter how long it's been, she's not worth being civil for, I can't be friends with her after what she did, I hate her.
But I will update this page or message you personally Tarantula to let you know what happens.

If she loses that nursery job she can't afford her room and the bar is only weekends for less than £80
Looks like the chef didn't like being lumbered with her if she moved out from his place, he likes a quick thrill too, now she's his problem
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