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Crush or obsession or something

PostPosted: Wed Jun 17, 2015 7:13 pm
by Nomad
Sorry, I just need to vent. I really appreciate coming here to do it.

Background: I'm late 30s, single, and like my life. I'm in therapy to deal with being raised by a mother with NPD which has messed me up a fair bit (depression has been an issue), but glad to be finally working on it. I have never had a relationship longer than 3 years and a history of picking bad partners. At the moment I am not looking while I try and get a bit more secure and certain of my life choices (been mostly single for a year). All fine and good.

I haven't felt like dating in a long while, but lately have gained confidence and started noticing guys again. I don't meet many new people (most of my friends have small children) but during the last year I've got into a new hobby that has saved me during dark days and meant I have a great circle of newish friends.

I didn't notice it happening to start with, but have become a bit obsessed with one of my friends and it's doing my head in. I feel a bit like a teenager. I'm pretty sure it's the me I know too well... ie nothing going on in the romance department so my head and hormones seek out something interesting. I'm not very good at just being alone without some sort of romance, even if I'm not properly dating..

[interlude - for example I 'tested the water' with an old friend earlier this year. I was clear that I didn't want to get into anything as I knew I am not in a good headspace, but it was good to be close and intimate with someone].

So this friend I am obsessed with. I've loved his company for a long time but didn't consciously think about it before, I just naturally gravitated towards him. And as we went to all the similar events I would see him a lot. In the last month or two I have found myself thinking about him even when I am super busy, or away. Missing him in all honesty. It's not a sexual thing (which is a first). I've started wondering if he might be there when I go to my hobby, whereas before I would just be pleased to see him, but not wonder if he would be there first. Last night he didn't show when he was supposed to and it affected my night, ie I was disappointed rather than just getting on with it. I'm annoyed at this. I want to be more present and mindful and not fuss about something I can't control.

I've realised that I am always looking for him in the room, or at least aware of where he is, and have always done that, I can see that now, but not consciously. I wouldn't call it 'fancying' - I dont know really. I just want to be around him. I like who he is, he makes me laugh and he makes me calm.

I don't think he is interested in me as there is nothing to suggest it. With my childhood experiences i find it difficult to judge the difference between liking someone and fancying someone, and I also find it hard to connect to people - so these things combine make simple situations very confusing. I wonder if perhaps I am just being insecure and need validation that he likes me too (in a non romantic way) and my mind is messing with me.

The other day we were both drunk at a party and i had to make sure I didnt do anything silly. I think if he had shown any non-platonic behavior it could have gone wrong! I kind of want him to. But I also dont as i value the friendship. We have a lot in common.

All I want is to stop thinking about it and just relax again. I think he might be in the process of getting back with an ex and i dont want that to make me feel bad if it happens. I need to remember that it doesnt mean he doesnt value me. He might well do, I just dont know it. I try to test myself by imagining what i would say/think if i knew he liked me.... I really dont know.

ANyway, this will probably pass, I just need to sit it out. There is jelly going on in my life that needs my attention, this noise will get drowned soon enough i expect. If, in another 6 months, it is the same, I may need to look at it again.

Thanks for listening forum.

Re: Crush or obsession or something

PostPosted: Wed Jun 17, 2015 9:58 pm
by happiness will come
I stumbled upon your post prior to posting something myself. I went though a similar thing recently although different circumstances and i am glad that women have the same obsessions as men! I would just go with the flow, who cares if he is thinking of going back to his ex, at least you will find out for sure if you try! Most girls i have been friends with in the past i have been scared of ruining the friendship by telling them how i really felt but now they are nowhere to be seen anyway and i regret not just risking it by telling them how i felt!! If you dont want to be full on with the approach just maybe ask him a few well placed questions to test things and see how he responds. I'm sure theres no harm in it.

Re: Crush or obsession or something

PostPosted: Thu Jun 18, 2015 10:54 am
by Nomad
Thank you happiness. that is really helpful. So you think I should pursue the feelings? Or just let them die? What if it is just infactuation.

Yes a big part of it is fear. It takes me a long time to get close to someone, and i dont trust my instincts always. Especially after lots of bad choices in the past. For example what if it was just infatuation and if I pursued it I would end up changing my mind and upsetting him. Then again what if I am missing the good ones though fear.

The more I see him, the more I really like him. Something has shifted from friends to breathlessness. Last night I tried testing it out by thinking about him in that way while we were together. I cant believe i didnt see it before!! I think I was dismissing how I felt as I have been going through some personal problems and I just thought of said at the start 'he's not your type'. Which is true, different from all the others, but not reason to dismiss.

I guess though I need him to value me too and even though I heard last night from a mutual friend that he is 'looking for a girlfriend', I dont want to be just someone who is in the right place at the right time, I want him to feel what i feel for him, a connection. Sometimes I think i sense it, but also wonder if I am imagining it! (we dance together so there can be mixed messages)

I am doing my best to go with the flow and forget about it. I've hinted to the mutual friend of ours that I like him but that I dont think he is interested back. I may ask that mutual friend to dig a little. I'd be gutted if I found out he doesnt feel the same way but that's life i guess.

Thanks for listening x

Re: Crush or obsession or something

PostPosted: Thu Jun 18, 2015 5:43 pm
by happiness will come
If it's just infatuation, im sure it could still lead somewhere surely?

Yes you are right, a big part of it is fear. I wouldnt get too caught up in upsetting him if you change your mind. Dont think too far ahead, just take the risk and go for it. Feel the fear and do it anyway!

Also, the more time you invest in this crush, the more you will be disappointed if it doesnt work out anyway. I have had similar situations where i have obsessed over a girl and only got disappointed in the end, and realised if i asked girls out earlier or told them how i really felt a bit earlier i would have avoided wasting so much time, and also avoided so much pain.

The fact you are his friend means you have put yourself in that box and are scared of venturing into the unknown. As you say, he is looking for a girlfriend, if you make your intentions known then he will suddenly think of you in a different way. If you carry on being "the friend" then he will see you as such, and if he chooses another woman you will end up hurt and disappointed.

Definitely try and get your mutual friend to delve a but further, you have to use this advantage! The more you delay this the more it will play on your mind.

Re: Crush or obsession or something

PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2015 9:17 am
by Nomad
thank you! Great advice. I will try and find out more. I don't want to ruin a great friendship or become awkward around him if it turns out I am nothing to him, but my mind is clearly trying to tell me something so I'd better do something about it!! I am wasting a lot of time wondering for sure.

All the best to you :)

Re: Crush or obsession or something

PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2015 7:52 pm
by Mrconfused74
If you don't want to ruin a great friendship, then perhaps you just need to see how things go, sometimes when talking and feeling comfortable around someone you may find that you will subconsciously be giving off signs you are attracted to him. And he may well no this. But if you are good friends and he is aware of your past he could be taking his time. Making sure you are comfortable around him before going further. Or he may just be a good friend, whatever happens you need to decide what it is you want more. If it's friendship then carry on that way, I know it's difficult to suppress feelings I'm in the same situation, but it's just as difficult to walk away from someone that you are such good friends with. You need to make sure you are ready in yourself for a relationship before taking that next step, be it with this guy or someone else. If you cherish the friendship then keep it that way. I've had to push my feelings to the back so as to remain friends with a woman, and it seems to be working, I do miss her when I don't see her, and feel happy in her company, but a lot of that could purely be borne from how I feel in myself. Sort out yourself before stepping into a relationship, so that your ready to accept the commitment.

Re: Crush or obsession or something

PostPosted: Wed Jul 15, 2015 12:10 pm
by Nomad
Brilliant and wise advice. I am trying to just let life happen. If I was ready I am sure it would happen. Trying to be patient and ignore the urges!
Thank you

Re: Crush or obsession or something

PostPosted: Thu Jul 16, 2015 11:29 am
by Mrconfused74
That's good to hear, I actually took my own advice too, and backed off from my friend for a while, not completely just waving or saying hi, not engaging in any conversation. And it seems to be working in the main. We've chatted a couple of times, as always about normal stuff that gets you down. And whilst I won't deny that when I saw her stretching for something in the kitchen I didn't look her up and down, as she is extremely attractive, I didn't linger on it. I've decided that I'd rather have a friend that I can chat too about anything, than no one. But if something was to happen in the future then so be it. Sometimes you just need a break for a while, even a few days, delay replying to texts or emails, occupy yourself wit other things all help. Good luck

Re: Crush or obsession or something

PostPosted: Thu Jul 16, 2015 9:15 pm
by Nomad
Ha, thanks. Yup, unfortunately the breaks dont work. (I see it is a month since I first wrote the post which is worrying).

I saw him last night and still find it hard not to pine. It's not a lustful thing like you describe, I'm just really fond of him and frustrated that I can't be closer emotionally or otherwise. I do need to accept that he doesn't feel the same way however hard that is.

I was totally happy and content being single until I started having feelings for him. Really annoying and distracting. Might have to spend less time doing my hobby, but that seems mad.

Likewise goodluck with your situ, I hope she takes notice and you are right - better to enjoy the friendship

Re: Crush or obsession or something

PostPosted: Thu Jul 16, 2015 11:11 pm
by Mrconfused74
That's just the thing, initially it was lust, but getting to know her and chatting as we do, I've really got to know her, and we just feel comfortable with each other. And even if we don't speak for a while we seem to just pick up where we left off. She's also not shy in telling me stuff. It's unlikely I'll see her for a while soon due to summer holidays, so it'll be interesting to see if she asks about meeting up. I wouldn't give up your hobby as we need these things to occupy us, but even if u just distance yourself a bit you'll see how he reacts.

Re: Crush or obsession or something

PostPosted: Fri Jul 17, 2015 2:57 pm
by Nomad
That's great. True friendship. She is obviously very comfortable with you. Why don't you be the one to suggest meeting up? Or do you feel you want to see if she does anyway?

Shame these things can't be straightforward eh, but friendship and connection is a precious thing in which ever form it comes.

Re: Crush or obsession or something

PostPosted: Fri Jul 17, 2015 11:31 pm
by Mrconfused74
I'd like to suggest it, but with her kids about its not so easy, although I'm sure she'd welcome a break, I'll just see if the chance arises, yea it is good that we can be open, she's obviously not embarrassed to say stuff, and we have been out once, not on a date, but it was good. I guess it's doing things like that that makes it harder to determine if it's friends or more. And I think if it was straightforward then I could ask her, but like u say life is never that easy. How is it going with you?

Re: Crush or obsession or something

PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 4:12 pm
by Nomad
Sometimes I also think that if we have to ask all these questions in our heads then it is not meant to be. I know life isn't simple, but the connections we form are. Perhaps this one isn't meant to be more than friends for you. Or maybe one day it will be, but she will let you know clearly when that is the case. Like you said, at least you can value the friendship.

My situation has been interesting over the last couple of weeks. The more time we spend together, and the less I 'get' from him in signals, the easier I am finding it to move on and accept it as a friendship. And also the more time I spend, the more I am realising that he values me as a friend too. I can see a connection there (if it is more than friends for him then he is too apprehensive to act on it) so I am starting be feel more secure in the friendship, and therefore calming down about it all.

I wonder sometimes if this happens with male friends where I want to almost confirm the connection we have, but don't know how to do it any other way than romantically. I grew up in an all female house and went to an all girls boarding school and I think that has taken away any judgement I have for male-female friendships. I have some really good male platonic friends, but the best of those is married so I guess that is different. The new ones always test me. So in this situation,

Also, ironically, during all this, another friend from the same group has sort of walked into my view - a development i didn't see coming. That is, he was there all along, but when we all went camping together the other week, and I was busy fussing about the unrequited situation, the person that actually stood out to me all weekend on reflection, and enjoyed the company of, was this other guy. He very clearly likes me. And he's really turned my head, by just being him, which is so refreshing. Each time we all get together he says and does things that show he is a genuinely awesome human being.

How funny life is. There are a number of single quality human beings in my life as a result of my hobby - and I dont need to go out with any of them, it might be another area of my life that I find someone - but if I was going line them all up and 'choose' who was best for me I would be so wrong. We don't choose in life do we.

Re: Crush or obsession or something

PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 4:55 pm
by Mrconfused74
Your right, we don't choose life, I've regrets in my life that had I chosen differently it would be completely different a great believer in fate and feel if it's meant to be it will be. Everyday could be different we could spend ages chatting one day, the next completely the opposite, no wave, smile, or hello, like today. It's almost as if she's annoyed that I haven't made an effort to talk to her, so she won't come over. If I go round for coffee I don't know if she wants me to leave after a while yet will ask if I want another drink. We went out one morning to look at stuff for her work, and had a great morning. I think initially I came on here to see if he actions were flirting, so was looking for a female point of view. Maybe to just get my head round what is going on.
I guess in your situation this other guy may always have Been there but you've not noticed because your concentrating on your friend. So it's been easy to miss, maybe he thought there wasn't a chance but as you've distanced yourself from the friend he's taken his chance. Trust me men easily get confused, it would be so much easier if a woman just said we're just friends lol but life isn't that simple, I just wish it was

Re: Crush or obsession or something

PostPosted: Thu Jul 23, 2015 11:08 am
by Nomad
Hiya - totally understand. It would be easier if we just all knew where were were with each other, and some people are better at being open than others. I dont think, we as a nation are very good at communicating our feelings. But often the signals are there, they just get confused by what we want to see, versus what is true.

In terms of your friends behaviour. It sounds very inconsistent and she is not being fair to you. If you don't mind I am going to be very frank. It sounds as if she enjoys the attention, but that she picks and chooses and manipulates how that works for her benefit. She knows that you like her and she is stringing you along, but she has no intentions of anything other than friends. If you ask me, she is not a very good friend if she is so unclear in her communication, and using the friendship to just her benefit.

In terms of reading how long to stay when you go for a coffee. You can't try and take responsibility for how someone else feels. If she says stay for another, but doesnt really mean it, then this is her problem, not yours. You should focus on how you feel and if you want to stay then stay, but if the situation is making you feel uncomfortable (which i would say it is by the way you are thinking about the details) then leave. Number one rule in life: always be true to yourself. It's so hard to do, and so hard to keep hold of, but vital.

I hope that is not too much stark reality, but it really does seem that way. You deserve to be around someone who appreciates you for who you are, not for their own ego's satisfaction.

Who knows what life will bring around the corner. Keep doing the things you love and look after and be kind to yourself and the world will come to you.

Try not to regret choices you made in the past. We can only make the best choice at that moment, you cant predict how life will turn out, and you cant change it, so much better to focus on the now and the present and embrace it for all it has to offer.

You are right with regard to it being much easier if women (and not just women) were clearer and just said 'by the way we're just friends' - but i think its not always obvious when someone likes you, not to me anyway. I'm 90% sure right now that this friend I mention above likes me. And i am interested in him potentially also. He is doing all the right things by giving me time and space, and just being himself in the mean time, not being over keen or over crowding, just being him but letting me know. I'm fairly certain he can see I am interested back. Sometimes that subtle communication works between two people. To me that shows potential. (im taking my time as i have been single a long time and made many errors, cant rush these things!).

I had a situation once where i was far too direct. I went on on about 9 dates with a guy (at least I figured they were dates as we both had busy social lives, lots of friends, and yet made a point of doing things together, in the evening - dates right? Even came to my birthday thing and met close friends). Anyhow. I like to get on with life, so on date 9 I came out with it straight. 'By the way Charile, are we on a date right now', i said in a friendly playful way, thinking I was opening up an opportunity for both of us. He freaked out. In a major way and basically bolted at the end of the night. Never saw him again. So I read that totally wrong. God knows why he was hanging out with me.

Ha ha! Funny times.