How to move on from my crush....

For problems with girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, wives, lovers and leavers!
Forum rules
NEW USERS HAVE TO WAIT FOR THEIR FIRST POSTS TO BE APPROVED BY AN ADMINISTRATOR. Rules | Essential Information | FAQ | Support | Twitter

How to move on from my crush....

Postby happiness will come » Wed Jun 17, 2015 10:46 pm

About two years ago my best friend and his wife introduced me to their female friend whilst out and about. They didnt tell me in advance but i knew straight away they were trying to match make us. My friend even took me to one side and said i should get with her, but the problem was that she had a boyfriend albeit an abusive one. I told my friend that she was nice but i didnt feel a connection even though she was a nice girl and plus i didnt want to ruin her relationship. Somehow she seems a little grumpy and my friend even pointed it out to his wife, saying that she wasnt her normal self, but i didnt know what they mean as i didnt know her well.

Fast forward about 18 months and i met her again. Not sure why it took so long to see her again but it did. This time she had left her boyfriend and the weeks prior to meeting i somehow automatically started thinking about her again due to finding out she left her boyfriend and wondering if i could go out with her for a date etc. Anyway, when we met again she seemed totally different and it was refreshing to get to know her a bit more. However, she was also different in the sense that the extra freedom had got to her head and she was ultra confident. She spoke of meeting a guy off tinder but i didnt know how serious it was. Apparently they were chatting for a few weeks and decided to meet up and apparently it was the perfect night. I started getting quite attracted to her despite this as she seemed sexy. We went out for a drink and then all went back to my friend's house where my friend's wife and her friend started dancing to music they put on the TV. I have to say it did look quite sexy and whilst their friend was dancing i made eye contact with her and she smile at me and carried on dancing. I thought things might develop from there...

The next time we met i was sleeping on their floor and my friend's wife and their friend (my crush) came though the door in the early hours and were really drunk. It turns out they slept round my crush's old house and her ex returned home and they had an argument so they ended up getting really drunk. This in turn made us in the mood for a little drink seeing as they were already drunk, so me and my friend joined in and later we all went to McDonalds for a breakfast. My friend and i went home and his wife and friend went to the pub for another drink. Anyway, when me and my friend were at home we got a call from his wife saying some men were chatting to them and they wanted to leave. When they got home i questioned my crush (for want of a better word!) and asked if they were chatting to men. I didnt ask in a nosey way, but a more friendly tone, but she immediately got defensive and said she is rude to men and whenever guys approach her in clubs she always flashes her ring finger (even though she isnt married!). We then all left for the pub (again!) but me and my crush left a bit earlier because the others were taking a while. My crush then told me she didnt speak to the guys for the reason that she was single, she only chatted to them because one of them looked like harry potter! Anyway, later in the pub we were getting on so well, when i even said i can cook she said she wanted me to cook for her. Even when i got in from outside when it was raining she wiped my forehead, and the body language was so positive i felt good.

Later when we left to go home i gave her a lift to the station and asked her about the guy she met off tinder and she said she isnt seeing him anymore. SO i asked her out and she said yes. I even texted my friend about it and i felt good. However, she said we could meet on a friday with her work mates - something which i thought was strange.

Anyway, the friday came and she said she had an exam the next week and didnt want to get drunk. So i said we could do it the next week. The next week came and she said she had a work leaving do on the friday and a party on the saturday. SO i say we can do it the next week. So the next week came and i messaged her but she didnt reply for a few days. At which point i simply had to ask my mate what was going on. It turns out she was seeing a guy. It tore me apart to find this out as naturally my mind ran away with the idea with getting with her because everything seemed so positive initially. I then texted her back once and for all and asked her if she definitely wanted to meet and she said yes but was so busy with stuff like work etc, then she made an excuse about someone stealing her bankcard and drawing money out.

The next week or so, she invited me to a fancy dress party where my friend and his wife came too. It was then that my mate told me the guy she was meeting up with was the guy she met at the pub who looked like harry potter! The same guy she said she wasnt chatting to because she was single but because of his resemblence to harry potter! This discovery really hurt me. Especially since i asked her out the same day as him and she decided to chose him.

My friend then told me she already broke up with him anyway, but then proceeded to tell me she had seen loaded off guys off tinder etc in previous months and i should watch out, especially since she gets in fights with her sister and family. And they even said she might be the cause of some of the arguments she had with her ex. Apparently, she even bought one guy back to her house and then called the police on him!

Anyway, at the party she barelt realy spoke to me about why she hadnt decided to meet up, she just ended up trying to be the centre of attention. I even saw her walk off with a hand in hand and didnt reappear until later. THEN, when i fell asleep on the sofa and woke up, i overheard a girl at the party say that the brazilian girl (she's brazilain btw:) was going around kissing loads of guys. This was another dagger to the heart, but by now i was used to the surprising news. When we said out goodbyes she barely spoke to me but i was the better one by giving her a hug goodbye. Afterwards i decided to text her again to see if she wanted to meet up still and she said yes, but when it came to it she let me down again. Now i am constantly wondering what was ever wrong with me, why she would choose these idiots over me. Even her ex had a baby with another woman and was still married to her , and she stayed with him for 3 years even though he was abusive. I think some women just form an inconscious pattern of them men they deicde to get with, in the sense that maybe they like the control men have on them?

The thing i cant get out of my head is the fact she created this awkward situation within a social circle. Now it will be so uncomfortable when we see each other again. She is very close to my friends wife, so we will see each other again. I just cant help think of the situation because she has gone to being a very nice girl to a girl who likes the attention, probably because she was shackled during her relationship for so long. I just cant seem to get the situation out of my head. I am over the fact i wont get with her but the annoying thing is not knowing why she acted like this did towards me. I am far from ugly, and now i am going to the gym constantly and am in the best shape of my life and consider myself one of the most trustworthy and well balanced guys anyone will meet. But i guess sometimes things arent always as simple as that. This girl just doesnt know what she put me through its just so embarrasing to go through this all in full view of my friends, at one point i was thinking suicidal thought, but pulled myself through through shear willpower.

The reason i am posting this is becasuse im sick of thinking about her. I even had a tarot card reading and the guy even said i had major back stabbing in my life, and he was right! I didnt even give him any evidence, and it was the main theme of the reading! He said the main theme of my next 6 months was getting over the episode with this girl, and i think he is right.

Anyway advice people? Sorry for the long post!
happiness will come
Regular Visitor
Regular Visitor
 
Posts: 21
Joined: Sun Jan 19, 2003 6:40 pm
Location: England

Re: How to move on from my crush....

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Jun 18, 2015 11:57 am

Quite honestly she is playing with you because you are nice
From her track record you wouldn't last two minutes anyway as she obviously gets bored quickly then your social situations is horrendous not just awkward
I suspect your friends were trying to find her a nice guy initially but have now have realised that since her break up she really isn't the type of girl to settle
I would steer well clear from a romantic point of view
Tinder tends to be more about hooking up than relationships from my experience of watching all the people who use it
You are right she has no concept of how awful it was for you because she is obviously emotional wounded and hence picks people who she ultimately can't get close to
Quite honestly you have nothing to be awkward/embarrased about just carry on as if she is a friend. If she ever tries anything then turn her down
Your friends will probably feel a bit guilty they have put you in this position in the first place, i doubt they are seeing the situation in the same way you are
When you see her imagine her having a poo, that will probably put you off her. Or even better imagine she has a penis. Hopefully in time the feelings will fade
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

Cheap Pandora Charms UK

User avatar
Bel Bel
Fully Fledged Flatmate
Fully Fledged Flatmate
 
Posts: 6758
Joined: Thu May 10, 2007 1:58 pm
Location: Hertfordshire
Gender: Female

Re: How to move on from my crush....

Postby David020549 » Fri Jun 19, 2015 7:26 am

This girl does not sound a good prospect, she seems unwilling or unable to form a relationship with anyone and just lives from day to day. It is quite likely that she has trusted people in the past and been let down and abused so much that she is protecting herself from further hurt.
You should not see her as a girlfriend because she will let you down continually and most of what she talks about will be suspect, half true if you like. So treat this girl as one of the gang if you want but don't form a relationship, the best way to get over a crush is find another girl.
David020549
Familiar Face
Familiar Face
 
Posts: 337
Joined: Thu Dec 25, 2014 7:29 am
Gender: Male

Re: How to move on from my crush....

Postby Nomad » Fri Jun 19, 2015 10:37 am

Hi Happiness (thanks again for replying to my post)

These guys are so right I'm afraid. This girl is a mess and not capable of any emotional bond or meaningful relationship. Major red flags everywhere. She is using you to get attention as you are a good person - she may not even realise she is doing it consciously. It sounds like you are worthy of a valuable and meaningful relationship and you wont get it here. You are being blinded by the chemistry she creates with her eye contact and brushing off the rain etc. She knows what she is doing and it is manipulative.

The most interesting part is when you say "...she has gone from being a very nice girl to a girl who likes the attention..." - when did you ever see evidence of her being the 'nice girl'? I think this is a perception that you built up in your own mind becasue that is what you wanted her to be. I totally get that as I have done it in the past and been bewildered when a relationship didnt work out, but actually i was focusing on a perception of that person, but ignoring the real deal because i didn't want to see it.

As you know from my post, it is so hard to get these things out of your head when you get fixated. You need to find someone else interesting to flirt with and forget about her. She will only go on hurting you and using you if you show her attention.

Good luck with it and I hope you find the good person you deserve
T
Nomad
One of the Crowd
One of the Crowd
 
Posts: 83
Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2014 12:12 pm
Gender: Female

Re: How to move on from my crush....

Postby happiness will come » Fri Jun 19, 2015 11:31 am

Thanks everyone,

Sometimes i need to hear it from different perspectives to drill it home to myself, she just isnt worth it. Even my best friend said the same thing. The strange thing is that when i first met the girl they were both trying to get us together and my friend said she is a real nice girl and she even bought her ex a car to pay for from her account, but later he said it was one last thing she did to save the relationship.

When he told me that she stayed with her ex even though he was still married to someone else the red flags were waving. Then he told me she had a miscarriage in a previous relationship which messed her up. They said she has a lot of issues, and this is coming from the people who know her much better than me.

Nomad - yes you are right! Spot on, i think i WANTED her to be this nice girl, even after the moments when she gave me attitude. I kept on convincing me she was a nice girl, and in some ways she is (she is not an evil person as such, etc) but she is the type of girl to have two personalities. Because of this i think she doesnt really know who she is. It's such a shame because she did genuinely seem so different when we first met but it was a case of jekyl and hyde. I think thats why even asking her out i didnt really feel totally comfortable because i picked up on certain parts of her personality which i didnt totally focus on at the time.

The hardest part is getting over the pain and stopping thinking about her constantly. I have built myself end since then and have love myself a lot more now (not in an arrogant way) i have given up on her because when you go chasing someone you lose your sense of self sometimes, especially when the other person doesnt value you as much as you seemingly value them. I am RECLAIMING myself from this woman!

I did wonder why she chose other men over me but you guys have pointed out to me that she is incapable of getting close to guys because of past pain, this is something i didnt think about. Maybe she subconsciously thought it was better to hurt random guys feelings rather than someone within her own social circle.

Even my best friend's wife said she doesnt think she is good enough for me. She was originally trying to match make us but not anymore because i think she has realised how unstable she is.

Bel bel- unique technique for letting go, i have already tried it and i can say it's already making her less attractive!

David- now you mention it, my friends were saying she even lets them down too. She has agreed to go out with lots of people who have waited for her only for her to let them down. So it's not just me. If i did get with her it would be more of the same. It's a shame because if she did successfully deal with her demons she could be a nice girl but she's the type to identify too much with the ego and therefore wont ever be calm minded.

Thanks for the advice peeps, i really appreciate you reading through my long post! I know it was long but sometimes i feel i have to go through certain things so you get the whole picture.

Much appreciated. And i welcome any more perspectives from others. Thanks
happiness will come
Regular Visitor
Regular Visitor
 
Posts: 21
Joined: Sun Jan 19, 2003 6:40 pm
Location: England

Re: How to move on from my crush....

Postby David020549 » Sat Jun 20, 2015 7:07 am

This girl is doing you a big favour by not dating you, she knows you are a nice guy and sees herself a not a nice girl, she will always be a flirt and an attention seeker.
To get over her and find a nice girl online dating is an obvious option you can fill your mind chatting to as many girls as you want, speed dating sites like Tinder are not the best choice unless you are looking for casual date. There are plenty of mainline sites and legions of girls looking for a man, take your pick, most of them are just looking for a loyal boyfriend who treats them decently.
David020549
Familiar Face
Familiar Face
 
Posts: 337
Joined: Thu Dec 25, 2014 7:29 am
Gender: Male


Return to Girlfriends & Boyfriends - Husbands & Wives

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot] and 10 guests

cron