Confused!

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Confused!

Postby emski87 » Sun Jun 28, 2015 9:04 pm

Hi All

I am new to this forum and want your help.I do have friends who I speak to about this, but I am "worried" they may just tell me what I want to hear.

I have been dating a guy for just over 2 months now. He is 12 years older than me, with 2 children (aged 9 and 12). He is separated from there mother since November 2014. We see each other on average twice a week, enjoyed a couple of nights away together as well.

We both admit we really like each other and can never wait to see each other again. We txt all day every day and never run out of things to talk about. We have both also said we are not seeing anyone else. He has told me that he is "not ready for a full blown relationship after just coming out of a 19 year one"........now I accept that and I realise it is complicated because he has children and they don't know I exist.

What I am getting at is, will he ever be ready for a relationship? Am I wasting my time? I am afraid of getting hurt I think, so that's why I am questioning it.

We have such a great time when we are together and I am genuinely enjoying spending time with him and getting to know him. I am not expecting to be introduced to his children at this stage, but wonder if its even likely that he will tell them about me as we progress?

Sorry for how this message has come across....all a bit jumbled!

Any advice is gratefully received xx
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Re: Confused!

Postby Mrconfused74 » Mon Jun 29, 2015 8:04 am

You say your willing to accept that he's not ready for a full blown relationship, and say he has a given a valid reason for this, having just come out a long term one. Yet your next sentence your asking if he'll ever be ready????
The answer is give him time, it was only 6 months after the split he got with you, and you've seen each other about 10 times? It's not a very long time to decide whether your ready for another long term relationship. As you say he has kids to consider too, and perhaps a divorce if he was married. Even so would you expect a guy you've been seeing 2 months to know if they wanted a relationship so soon, if they had been single for ages? These things take time. You seem to get on well, and he sounds like he's doing all the things to suggest he really likes you, so don't push it. Allow the relationship to develop naturally the same you would any relationship. Putting pressure on it so early can only do more harm than good.
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Re: Confused!

Postby snail » Mon Jun 29, 2015 8:53 am

I agree with the above poster. A 20-year relationship that produced two children is an immensely significant thing, and ending it will have been very difficult. It's not realistic that he will be ready for another commitment barely six months later. Also, much of his energy will still be taken up worrying about the children and dealing with the practical, emotional and legal fallout.

There's just no way to know how this will work out; you will have to give it time. The situation is bound to be frustrating for you, but if you definitely want to be with this man rather than another man, there's no alternative really. If nothing has progressed after 18 months to 2 years, then I would consider leaving.

If this is your first relationship with a man with children, then it is quite difficult to be with someone whose main focus is not you - you feel sidelined and unimportant and this may be another factor making you question things. At the moment, he will be trying to support the children through the breakup, so he will be particularly concentrating on them, and particularly disinclined to possibly give them more upset by introducing them to a partner who may not stay around. That will get a bit better with time. I wouldn't expect to be introduced to them for quite a while though.
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Re: Confused!

Postby David020549 » Mon Jun 29, 2015 12:23 pm

Slow down, he has only been separated a few months and you have only been dating a couple of months, he certainly won't want to commit and you should not fall in love for quite a while yet.
So is he a long term prospect?. With a 20 yr marriage he is certainly capable of loyalty and will know what it takes to keep a relationship together but something happened to cause the split, either he or she made a big mistake, couples do not usually part with kids of that age unless it was serious. It is not important which of them was wrong, what matters is that you know the truth, if he caused the split do not write him off he could be truly sorry and regret his actions, none of us are perfect we all make mistakes.
As he is separated he might go back, the children will be a big incentive to do that, so will the financial cost of a divorce and maintenence, unless he is very well heeled cash may become very short keeping two households. The time to get serious is when the divorce is final, until then get to know him well, enjoy the fun part of the relationship, go on holiday with him for a week or two, that is when you will find out what he is like to be with day after day.
You will need to make allowances for his kids but other than that his focus should be work and you because if he has other time consuming activities ( football, golf, cycling etc ) he is not going to fit it all in and guess who is going to be left behind.
You might get hurt but take a chance as long as his story adds up.
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Re: Confused!

Postby emski87 » Mon Jun 29, 2015 6:56 pm

don't get me wrong, I am not falling in love here, or wanting to play step mum at this stage.

I know the full story behind the split, he has been quite honest about all that, she made the big mistake not him, verified by something his mum txt him which he showed me so I know he isn't lieing. Divorce isn't on the cards at this stage as neither can afford to buy the other out of the house they shared etc etc but he has already told me that it will happen and I am "not to worry about that!"....I didn't ask the question by the way, he just told me. I wouldn't want to or expect to be introduced to the kids at this point anyway, I am happy how we are going along quite nicely on our own. He talks about his kids to me and I find myself asking how they are etc without even thinking. So I know I am very much into this guy and the fact he has children doesn't phase me, despite not having any kids of my own.

My concern is I will invest serious time in the guy and then end up getting hurt 6/7/8/9 months down the line if he is not wanting to commit to anything serious x we have seen each other about 20 times over the past 2 months, so I know this is a positive sign, as he always makes time for me around work and his children. I would never ever expect to come before his children, and he knows this. He always comments on how he loves how understanding I am. I don't push the relationship, its just it cropped up in conversation that he wasn't ready for a "full blown" relationship that's all, and like most people, my mind just wondered off and started thinking too much about it all I suppose

I have never been with a guy who has children before, so for me it is a whole new experience and, not that I'm struggling to understand it all, it is new territory for me that's all.
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Re: Confused!

Postby David020549 » Tue Jun 30, 2015 7:51 pm

There don't seem to be any negatives in this guy, just caution, his ex wife is causing him a lot of pain and many sleepless nights I'm sure. So he has a lot more going on in his mind than you have, if you really like him go for it, be the best girlfriend ever for at least 6 months, avoiding the stress of Christmas then have a heart to heart in the new year and decide what next.
After marriage for 20 yrs that puts him early 40s, yourself 30 or so, both still young enough to have kids together if you want, there are a lot of girls your age that would welcome an introduction if you decide against him.
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