Attraction Gone

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Attraction Gone

Postby princess121 » Tue Jun 30, 2015 3:43 pm

So I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now.
We met at uni, and he's my first boyfriend/first person I ever slept with and I'm his first proper girlfriend/second person he ever slept with. I became attracted to him, knowing he wasn't the best looking guy, but I thought he was cool and we started a relationship. By the time we had been together for around 2 years, I realised I wasn't finding him as attractive as I once did. We used to have sex around 2/3 times a week, I think I have a low sex drive, but now he's lucky if we have sex twice a month! I feel as though I no longer fancy him/find him attractive and don't feel the urge to have sex with him because I don't think he's hot anymore. He's not changed the way he looks, it's just I no longer find him attractive.
BUT everything else about him is amazing, he's so caring and kind, funny etc and I am so secure in the relationship. He dotes on me and makes me feel so loved and special. He supports me through all my family issues and drives over to see me all the time (I never go to his house). I spoke to my friend about it before and she said that as long as it doesn't bother me that much, I shouldn't worry. But it does bother me. I don't think it's normal to be in your early 20s and already the lust is gone. He still wants to have sex, but he kind of knows not to really even try it on because it won't happen.
I mentioned to him before that I'm not sure the attraction is there, but he says things like 'I'm sure a lot of girls don't find men attractive' etc. But that's not true, I see people on the street I find attractive and I'm sure his friends girlfriends find their boyfriends attractive! But I just left it there at the time and we carried on as normal.
When we do have sex, it's because I'm thinking 'oh god, it's been ages. I should let him have sex with me', which I feel just isn't right. And sometimes I'll think I want to, but when it gets down to it I'm not feeling it, because I am not attracted to him anymore. When I have sex with him, I do enjoy it because it feels good and I'm not repulsed by him or anything, but I know I would enjoy it much more if it was with someone I fancied. I know a relationship isn't all about looks, and his personality is perfect, but if we are barely having sex, surely it's not right?
I'm so confused what to do now. If it was my choice, I'd just have a sexless relationship with him, but then that's like being friends.
And surely he can't be happy having sex so infrequently. He must feel so unsatisfied and surely deserves someone who will appreciate his looks also and want to have sex with him? I can't see our situation changing as I wouldn't suddenly find him attractive again.
I just can't imagine breaking up with him though because I've become so dependent on him, he provides that security I crave. I can't imagine him not in my life. I only have 2 friends and I barely see them, so he's like a best friend at the same time.
I also know that if we broke up, I'm not going to 'crack on' with other guys. I'm too shy to go on dates etc, so I know I would just be single, which I'm fine with.

I need some advice please on what the best thing to do is. Would it be to break up with him, which would leave us both devastated, but could be the right thing to do? Or do we stay as we are and never mention it again? We have talked about moving in together, but not about marriage or children, as we mutually think it's strange to discuss those things as we never know what could happen.

Thanks
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Re: Attraction Gone

Postby David020549 » Wed Jul 01, 2015 8:58 pm

I am surprised you are not living as a couple after 3 yrs, most couples would be if only to save rent. The initial excitement always changes to a sort of plateau phase after a while where you become friends and companions, if you are lucky that is.
The unlucky ones descend into being taken for granted and posessiveness but it does not sound like that has happened, as for feeling attracted to other men, a great many women feel that way but the security of their partner, family and kids takes priority, if they have a good relationship they will not take a leap into the unknown.
As for sex, a couple living together on average will make love once a week, although there is a wide variation that sounds reasonable, if you enjoy sex why not respond more often. If you find a good man ditching him is a leap into the unknown you might have many casual boyfriends and then never find the man you want.
The grass is always greener elsewhere, men always fancy other girls most go happily home to their wives and girlfriends, that is normal.
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Re: Attraction Gone

Postby princess121 » Wed Jul 01, 2015 10:15 pm

We aren't living together yet because we met in first year of uni and we were going to flat share with others for second year, but I thought it would be best we didn't as we had only been together for 4 months at that time, so I lived with other friends. I thought it would be best we didn't live together for third and fourth either because his house had a lot of drama and I didn't want to live with him and be affected by others.
I currently live with my sister and won't drop her to live with him, as neither her nor I can afford to live alone at this time in our lives. He is also enjoying the luxury of still living at home and not having to pay any rent, and I would be doing the same had I been able to.

I am questioning whether it is just me being stressed which is affecting my libido, rather than a loss of attraction. It's difficult to decipher what my issue is. I know I don't find him unbelievably hot but his little ways are cute to me. I know I would probably never find someone who appreciates and cares for me as he does, and it's probably extremely rare to find someone with his personality who is also really attractive. It tends to be the most attractive guys don't treat their girlfriends right. I just worry I would never feel 100% satisfied, and nor would he with a lack of sex. We only have sex around twice a month at the moment, sometimes once. He even knows not to really initiate it as it's always a no. I feel like maybe it's me who's got the problem, not him. :(
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Re: Attraction Gone

Postby David020549 » Thu Jul 02, 2015 7:44 am

When couples are living together the opportunity for sex increases obviously, it becomes natural and not organized which is probably what happens now, don't be too concerned about that. Your relationship has not progressed beyond Uni you have no goals together, being a partner is all about helping each other achieve what you cannot reach solo, your sister is a sort of partner at present.
You have divided loyalties at present, a sister and a boyfriend, maybe she will meet someone serious maybe you will share for years to come this is the dilemma that faces a lot of friends as well as family.
There is an old rhyme that describes your situation.

" Lord help the man that comes between me and my sister and lord help the sister that comes between me and my man"

There is no easy solution, if in the future you see yourself in a nice house with a couple of kids choose the boyfriend if you see life with your sister choose that, bearing in mind that the relationship will change and you will become a couple loyal to each other. Then of course if she falls for a man that leaves you alone, if you set up home with the boyfriend she will get a flat mate to share costs, most girls would make the break and choose the man.
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Re: Attraction Gone

Postby snail » Thu Jul 02, 2015 8:51 am

It sounds as though the relationship has simply run its course for you. That isn't surprising given that you met him quite young and he is your first proper boyfriend. The lack of desire to have sex is the normal sign of a relationship that just isn't quite right. I agree with you that the situation isn't fair on him, isn't nice for you, and isn't likely to get better. You've also mentioned children, but how is that actually going to happen with sex once a month?

As you've said, you're staying with him really because he's become your best friend and you're dependant on him. The only answer to that is to make other friends, and find other things to fill your time - join clubs, take up new hobbies, go out with your sister or the friends you do have more often.

It's always a mistake to stay with someone when you're not happy simply because you think you won't find anyone better. You will - you're young and there are literally millions of men out there that are potential partners for you. Don't move in with him; it will just make it harder when you do break up.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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