My Ex's New partner being around my son

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My Ex's New partner being around my son

Postby jamesw29 » Sat Jul 04, 2015 1:07 pm

Hi there everyone, this is my first post so here goes...

I have a son who is 4 years old and has Autism, If anyone knows about autism it can be quite tough on the parents let alone the child not being able to communicate fully with the world!
Anyway, After a series of bust ups with his mum over little things but when happen on regular basis began to annoy the life out of me so of course arguments happend!
We had been together for 4 years,broke up january 2013 for a year and got back together march 2014 my son was 2 at the time and i did all the right daddy things had him overnight took him to nusery etc etc even took his mum shopping and was the general shoulder to cry on when things got tough, that being said she left me and i did want to try again through some sort of mediation perhaps... i did ask her numerous times but i got the NO awnser and then it began to get arkward.. i stayed single but with the hope that things could turn out right again.. i did ask her if she was seeing anyone but i got the NO awnser again.. when we eventually got back together i got rid of all my stuff to accomodate all her new things.. then i got the BAD news that she had been seeing someone for about 6months and she booted him into touch because she found out he had been doing drugs! and the latest guy had .. how shall we say not got off when he was told to... so it feels like she came running back to good old me... With that in mind i did find it really hard to take that she would of kept a relationship secret from me so i could of got some kind of closure, have i got a right to know who my baby son was around when he wasnt with me???.. needless to say the sex stopped because i was feeling like i couldnt compare and she found it unconfortable as she was getting flashbacks etc etc.. i totally understand how this can affect a woman but it wasnt just affecting her.. i advised her to go to the police etc and talk to someone to see if that could help... and help me to help her in return we could be lovers/best friends again... so she did and she went talking to somone.. in the meantime we had agreed to move to somewhere where there is no bad memories in the 4 walls.. i spend 3 months decorating and doing odd jobs at a rented accomodation ( with permission of course)!... then 23rd december 2014 she tells me she doesnt want me to move with her...TALK ABOUT DEVISTATED... needless to say i went with it OBVIOUSLY had my say.. told her i think it had all been pre planned,, come home to me and set yourself up in a nice house etc etc.. turns out she had NEVER even told the DSS that she was living with me or in a relationship.. now that hurts even though id asked her many times to be honest as i didnt want any trouble in that department.

Anyway fastforward 6 months to july 1st 2015... i drop my son off go across the road to the shop and walking out i see a man walking into her house.. rather than go over all guns blazing i text her and ask who that was and do you think its wise infront of our son... as mentioned he has autism and has been quite the little monkey latley at his mums house... turns out its her new fella, he stays overnight hes there when i drop my son off.. top it off tho if i hadnt have accidently seen this man walking in the house id be unaware... but she has been being very nice to me latley like she had during our previous break up... i have asked her not to replace me as his dad and to keep the contact my son has with this man to a minimum while he gets used to ME his dad not being with him regulary... NEEDLEss to say she got her back up and started smirking when i said all im concerned about is my sons wellbeing and dont want him to get more confused!

Sorry for the rant but i had to get it out, i feel she doesnt respect me as human to be honest let alone respect me as her childs father.. and to top things off our son starts a special school for autism in sept 2015 and we had been invited to an open day for parents... and because i now know about her new r.ship she isnt going to attend.. but last week she rang me was on the phone for ages talking about dec and would i take her etc etc... i feel like a right mug because even though i know we will never work as a couple i still care for her.. i am bitter about how it ended and theres a new guy but more so i feel like it might be a rebound thing and to my son theres a guy there then there isnt... AND after the inciedent she had with another guy which ruined our r.ship i feel asthough she i has either gotten over it and used it as an excuse to leave me or she just wants the company of a new man who will bend over backwards for her.. im at a loss but i have my son and thats the main thing i guess!!

Thanks for having a peep
jamesw29
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Re: My Ex's New partner being around my son

Postby Tucco » Sun Jul 05, 2015 5:09 pm

Hi there,
I am also the dad of an autistic child and very much understand the stresses and strains this can cause, however even if we take that out of the equation it seems like your ex has no issues introducing new men into your sons life on a fairly regular basis, this can be confusing for any 4 year old.
Sadly I do not think there is a lot you can do about this at this stage but I would recommend keeping a diary of events in the event of you needing to go for sole access.
Sadly I would also keep an eye on your child for any type of physical marks etc.
Also ensure you detach yourself from any feelings towards your ex, she clearly will use you at any given opportunity, focus on your child like the decent parent that you are.
Good luck.
Tucco
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Re: My Ex's New partner being around my son

Postby jamesw29 » Sun Jul 05, 2015 5:33 pm

Hi Tucco,
Thank you very much for the words of wisdom, I think im going to take your advise and start a diary of events etc? perhaps take pictures of bruises etc? I know autistic children tend to have a certain degree of hyperactivity, in my child its quite high, never sits still for a moment unless of course its food?..

Because i only have my son for a certain amount of hours after work and during the weekends i tend to interact with him more rather than switch the tv on and let peppa pig or spongebob work its magic,, i know for a fact his mum never has the tv off hence my huge electric bills when we were together!

If i may ask, how did you manage to forget your ex and not have certain caring/frustrated feelings when you speak to her??... in my relationship i felt like Mr Fix it,, any problem be it mine or hers was for me to deal with...She only mentioned things when they got too much, where as i just say it how it is... so really theres lack of communication on her part... i used to start off by saying "just let it go over your head" then id get henpecked into what "what should i do... do you think they shouldnt have said that.. what would you say"....then of course the problem is mine so i offer a reasonable solution to which she wouldnt take the advice, so i got annoyed that my ear has been chewed off for the past however long to resolve a problem which isnt even mine!... and to top it off she would always always take friends advice so there again conflict ensues...

I know ive been taken for a fool,, i know theres things ive either said or done to make her want to leave, but ive also showed remorse and not bombarded her with messages... in a nutshell if im nice to her, i must be ok with everything, if i show some coldness because i am bitter about it, she acts the same way.. so im at a loss for the forseeable... as she seems to have picked up and got on with it without realising that she herself has got BIG BIG issues.. but of course my ex is the kind of girl who acts all innocent and the world is out to get her! in her world everyone else has the problem...

Ive just stated GREAT reasons as to why i shouldnt care and perhaps deep deep down under this hurt and feeling of betrayl i do love her still but can someone in the kindest way possible help me to find this off switch and not keep wondering what if.. i know couples break up everyday of the week some re-ignite some dont but when we PLANNED to have a child i knew faults we both have or not that i was going to spend my days with this girl....
jamesw29
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Re: My Ex's New partner being around my son

Postby Tucco » Sun Jul 05, 2015 6:06 pm

Hi James,
there are no easy answers I am afraid, it is clear that you and your ex are not meant as you have tried to make it work numerous times and failed, you need to concentrate on your child which you seem to be doing which is the main thing.
Just try to keep on a "friendly" footing to ensure you get as much access as you can to your son, your feelings will have to take a back seat as regards you and her.
It is great you a spending time one to one with him instead of dropping him in front of the TV, in the long run I am sure this will pay dividends for you.
As time passes your feelings will become less and you will see the relationship for what was, I think this process has already begun.
I am still a full time husband and father to my daughter but I have had a fair few relationships over the years including one divorce, after a while you look back and just think what was I doing there? LOL hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Good luck and please just concentrate on a being a good dad.
Tucco
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