break-ups

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break-ups

Postby lostnconfused » Tue Jul 07, 2015 1:02 am

Hello all, desperately seeking advice.....

So after a year of being together my now ex-girlfriend has ended it.

Some background, she has been married twice and has 4 children. She abandoned her first husband for her second leaving her first two children behind. Her second husband was violent, manipulative and a blatant spanker. They had two children together. She left him 5 years ago and moved 150 miles away to start a fresh.

Last year we met online after some brief chatting. We started slowly: coffee date, lunch date, dinner date etc by date 3 she had told me the basics about her past - enough to say "this is me, do you want to run now." I was going nowhere, this woman was funny, strong, independent, clever, outgoing. I know she had been affected by her bully ex. The relationship developed. i was introduced to her two youngest, 7 and 5 years old. The 7 year old isquite clever but if very abusive and swears. my now ex warned me off this but I thought it was an exaggeration. After a few more visits his true colours came out: punching his mum, calling her a slag, stating he wishes she was dead etc. I was in shock I will not lie, to calm him down I had to restrain his arms and hold him very tight for approx 20min. I was mortified and afterwards broke down in tears as I now seen what she had to deal with. We grew stronger. I introduced my daughter, we took it in turns on where we stayed. We would see each other about three nights a week We both started learning to manager 7 years old behaviour. Mr 5 was a bit of a mummys boy and would put on the water works very easily to get his own way, but he very rarely swore and was quite a polite young chap, often wearing a suit he had for a wedding around the house, cute as hell. The relationship developed immensely, my family were introduced, my mum, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles. I met family and was due to meet her mum in Ireland very soon. It was great, we just celebrated my 40th with a lot of my family in sunny Blackpool for a 2 night stay. this was three weeks ago, my card was full of love hearts and kisses. I would babysit for her every Monday so she could attend zumba, I would have dinner on the table for her return. The boys were adapting, Mr 7 was controlling his anger a lot better. It was a almost like a family unit. .My daughter adored them all and would always ask as soon I picked her up, had her two nights a week,are we stopping at 'x' house tonight will I see the boys. Then 8 days ago, booooooom she ended it through fear of commitment and a fear of it all going wrong. We had in the past spoke about counselling so she could help tackle some issues still there from her ex. She had a zero sex drive but two weeks ago she joked around when the curtains were open "people will see you bum","how will they" I replied "well I want sex.. " I was flabbergasted .She openly asked for sex with me. Slowly but surely we were moving forward. When I say I was the most supportive man ever, I'm probably not kidding. I was there for her whenever. I panicked of course and text her, sent her flowers, bought he self help books she was looking at on instagram. I sent a very heartfelt message on Sunday asking why, I have done nothing wrong, we can work at this together. I'm always here for you. Her reply was "the boys are still awake, I got distracted, don't know what to say right now, 5 year old is banging on my door! Yay!! Xx" I didn't reply like I normally would. And I haven't replied since that message yesterday. I'm at a loss, we were a great team. Thebday before she broke up with me we all went out with my family for lunch, I asked if it was okay if I brought more clothes over, she said of course. The lunch was to commemorate my father's passing 20 years ago. I have never took anyone to that lunch! Her boys came too. I'm so confused and lost. Do I just cut my losses, she hasn't asked for no contact. She hasn't asked for anything in fact. What do I do? She is self destructive I believe because of her past. Court case last week with her ex as he is till refusing to sell the family home! She chatted briefly to me after the court date to let me know how it went on. I left my phone deliberately at home today whilst at work to stop myself looking at her stuff: whatsapp, instagram, Facebook etc. But after her saying "I don't know what to say right now" yesterday she has still said nothing. She has openly said in the last week since break up that I made her happy, I'm good to her, I'm good to the boys. Her friends also say I make her happy. Her brother said she needed someone like me after her life experiences. What do I do next, please help.
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Re: break-ups

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Jul 07, 2015 11:05 am

Ask her outright for an explanation. Tell her you need to know as you feel completely lost.
At least you can work with the truth but the not knowing is killing you.

She may not answer in which case you just have to walk away, how can you deal with the unknown?

She may be pushing you away to test if you love her, having a destructive nature she may feel she doesn't deserve this happiness

If she doesn't answer you i would tell her that when she is ready to explain you will be ready to listen, until then you will leave her alone as you don't know what she wants and that last thing you wish to do is be a pain/annoyance - this at leat will give her an explanation why you are not chasing her down
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Re: break-ups

Postby lostnconfused » Tue Jul 07, 2015 12:35 pm

Before I started unfollowing certain social media she started liking #galadarling - radical self love, how to improve your life, how to love yourself and allow happiness. I bought the book and sent it her. It arrived at hers Monday. If I was a bad person I'd understand. If I was jealous I'd understand. But I wasnt, I would say things like "I'm off Thursday, go out with the girls I'll have the boys." It is indeed killing me, I'm off the next two days and that would have been me and her time. Time heals I agreee, but it's the length of time, been there done that, been hurt before. Thought this was the one.
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Re: break-ups

Postby lostnconfused » Fri Jul 10, 2015 11:29 am

So I phoned her on wednesday "I haven't lost interest in, I still fancy you, you're great to me and the boys" but she don't us. Racking my brain with this one and kabooooom it's money, I work, I work hard she knows this, I get enough to say take out to dinner once a week but she clearly wants more: she often said I hate work, I want to stay at home, I miss my pretty bags etc. It's money, I got dumped cause I don't make enough. I miss her boys lots, she can do one the shallow sod!! Didn't think this still existed in the 21st century.

Wasted year! I took her away with my family for my birthday and I bought everything!!!!
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Re: break-ups

Postby rufio89 » Sat Jul 11, 2015 8:26 am

Did she say its money or have you just come to that conclusion?
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Re: break-ups

Postby David020549 » Sat Jul 11, 2015 5:57 pm

I think by breaking off she is protecting herself I know that is difficult to understand but it avoids the pain if she makes the decision herself. If she has had a really bad time she would have very low self confidence and fears relying on another person, trying to cope with difficult kids just makes it worse. Maybe she will never recover and while she is still haggling with the ex it will only keep reminding her of what it was like.
Money, I'm sure she does get short when the rent is due or the kids need clothes, that is the life of many single mums, so small genuine requests should be expected, so help in small ways if you can, if you can't say so.
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Re: break-ups

Postby David020549 » Sun Jul 12, 2015 7:14 am

Got called away so to continue. Although she may well be short of cash she is not a gold digger, there is obviously no honey trap so discount that.
You sound a good caring decent guy who wants to do the best but even after a year I can't help thinking you are expecting too much too soon. Particularly involving her with your extended family which sounds very close and supportive, there are two risks, firstly that somebody even with the best of intention says the wrong thing, secondly the contrast between your close family and her no family at all.
So probably she feels so inadequate that becoming absorbed into your family frightens her and again the self protection of making a break herself come into play. As you have gone this far I think you should try to carry on the relationship at least until she settles with her ex which will be a big load off her mind.
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Re: break-ups

Postby Minna » Thu Jul 16, 2015 5:06 pm

... "She has been married twice and has 4 children. She abandoned her first husband for her second leaving her first two children behind. Her second husband was violent, manipulative and a blatant spanker."...

You say that she left her first husband AND her children in order to set up home with a new man - why? has she told you what was 'wrong' with her first husband? If her first husband was similar to you - i.e. kind, supportive, understanding - then perhaps she left both him and you for the same reason - although she still cared for him/you, she was bored with the life she had. For example, you say to her "Go off to your dance class, love, I will babysit and have a meal ready if you want it, when you get back". Perhaps she subconsciously wants you to say "Let's arrange a babysitter. I feel uncomfortable about you going dancing on your own - I want us to go there together, to make sure that every man in the room knows you are with me".

Some women, in spite of themselves, (and your girlfriend perhaps is one of these ladies) crave the excitement that comes from being around a "bad boy", so that, with a "good man" they can end up having this empty feeling of boredom when everything is rolling along nicely. They have the need, or are even "turned on", by the edginess of being with a man who is demanding, not predictable, comes and goes as he pleases, etc. It sounds like this is what attracted her to husband number two, but instead of being just a "bad boy" he turned out to be really nasty and his behaviour became too much for her to take.

In your situation, I am not saying that she has found anyone new, just that perhaps she has found that her life was slotting back into the same hum-drum life she had with her first husband. She cares for you - but she perhaps feels like she is running up the wall with boredom and she just wants out??!! I guess that she doesn't realise that she may have this, sort of, "self destruct" button regarding her relationships. I do hope that she comes to realise what she has with you - a good, kind, honest man (and they are very hard to find!!). Perhaps, should you get together again, you could be a bit less predictable (in a nice way)?!

Forgive me for assuming all this, but I thought it might give you a different viewpoint to what is possibly happening in your relationship.

Good luck!
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Re: break-ups

Postby lostnconfused » Fri Jul 17, 2015 10:04 pm

Minna, totally and utterly love your view. It did make me think but, this is where I sound cliche, I am edgy, I am spontaneous, we did often get the babysitter and go out for drinks, I was very encouraging in the bedroom, I had my grumpy moments too lol. I do recall actually saying once during a row 'oh do I have to be a bad boy for you to want us' to which she replied 'no, I want you you just the way you are.' Your views though have definitely opened my eyes a little and I thank you for that. She never ever introduced her 2nd husband to her parents, odd! Her parents are very religious and were somewhat disappointed when she had an affair. So yes maybe my close family did make her feel inadequate. She is completely no contact now, I haven't heard from her in a week. I've now started counselling to understand it all. It has majorly affected me, but we live and learn. Maybe in a month or so I can reach out to her. I do miss her deeply and her 2 youngest. Time will tell.
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Re: break-ups

Postby lostnconfused » Tue Jul 21, 2015 12:33 am

Recent update...
After 7/8 days of no contact I sent her an email and a follow up sms saying "please read email"

She replied saying "I'd like to be friends, we should try to meet up soon :-)"

I replied "yes I'd like that, we'd like that. Please don't shut us out and pretend we didn't happen"

She replied "not pretending, just keeping distance for a while."

My mind is thinking a) she seeing someone else b) she keeping distance as she afraid of the whole commitment thing this get out her head quicker c) I ain't got a clue.

As always, I value your feedback.
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Re: break-ups

Postby lostnconfused » Tue Jul 21, 2015 6:02 pm

And now today she text asking how my daughter is, do I have time off. So ridiculously confusing. Not getting hopes up, I only want friendship if anything at this point!
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Re: break-ups

Postby lostnconfused » Fri Jul 24, 2015 10:26 am

So we are now meeting Monday, her two youngest will be with her. Even after the stupid email I sent two weeks ago she wants to meet up.

Why are relationships so confusing and such hard work.

Should I meet and have a fun day or should I cancel and out it all behind me?

I'm not after reconciliation, she would probably do it all again in a few months lol. (See head is full of mixed up emotions)
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Re: break-ups

Postby lostnconfused » Mon Aug 03, 2015 12:24 pm

Had a great day Monday, great but very weird. She acted like nothing had happened. Great to see the kids and all. She then messaged me Thursday asking how I was etc, quick convo. Heard nothing since. No contact is harsh! :-)
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Re: break-ups

Postby lostnconfused » Wed Aug 05, 2015 3:16 pm

And yesterday, Tuesday, she messages me inviting me round for coffee. I go round and whilst there she invited me out to dinner with all her kids. She even pays the whole bill and drives me home. This morning she messages me at 7.40am to share something we both seen yesterday.

Is she just after friendship or is this slowly getting back together. Wow it's confusing.

Her 8 year old has been told he doesn't have mental health problems he just needs stronger parenting. My ex's gp has recommended parental courses for her.
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Re: break-ups

Postby snail » Wed Aug 05, 2015 4:48 pm

She is behaving in a very confusing way, probably because she's very confused herself. She sounds as though she has quite a few problems to be honest. I suppose it's up to you if you want to stay around and see where this goes, but it could be a rocky ride for you emotionally. Keep the kids out of it as much as you can so that they don't get hurt.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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