possible emotional abuse

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possible emotional abuse

Postby misty42 » Wed Jul 08, 2015 8:43 am

My story is kind of long but I realllly want to hear someone else's opinion. I feel like I'm going crazy and I would like a 3rd person to confirm or deny this because I have been told many different things by several people that are close to me. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 2 1/2 years. In the beginning it was quite lovely, as almost all relationships are, I think. We would go out occasionally and one time for my birthday he bought me roses. I never felt head-over-heels for him, but I assumed that that was something that could only be found in the movies, so I thought that the feelings I had for him were as good as they were going to get. After a year I wanted to end it. I felt tired of him. Every "argument" that we would have would always end because I would cave in and agree with him. I was always wrong or had something to be corrected. I adore playful banter, especially if it's witty. That was something that he stopped doing. He got extremely sad that I wanted to end it. But not a normal sad. He collapses and is incapable of doing anything. He doesn't want to eat or sleep and he said that he would have nightmares too. I'm an extremely weak person and accepted him back into my life.

Coincidentally, a bunch of horrid things happened with my step-dad's family (I was living close by to them at the time) and my step-dad would always call me a liar. My boyfriend's parents offered me a place to say and were extremely kind to me. My boyfriend also was lovely to me. After a year of living with him, he started to change. There were a lot of things that were wrong with our relationship. He wouldn't do anything, I would literally serve him his food on his plate and wash the dishes afterwards. We go to the same school and have the same major so I would be equally tired from homework and such. In the bedroom he stopped caring about my satisfaction. Many nights I would go to bed aroused and one night I even told him that I believe that making love is about conquering and defeating. Harmony. Oral sex can't give that. He said "that's why I don't ask you that often" Several times within the year I would mention things that I wouldn't agree with. Like the fact that he wouldn't do anything around his parent's house and he would say that he was busy planning out our day and doing the things that I don't do. I told him that I didn't feel loved and he said that the way I dressed didn't really inspire him to hug or kiss me. I would get fed up and try to end the relationship and he would say "You're going to bring this up again?". Me wanting to end the relationship would annoy him. I did mention all of the things that bothered me and he wouldn't listen, or he would make me feel as if I was the one who was wrong.

I became accustomed to a routine. I would do all of the necessary chores and please him whenever he asked and just keep quiet. That way I would avoid confrontations. This seemed to be okay with him. Somewhere along the line I fell out of love with him. Then a guy popped out of nowhere and started talking to me. When I first met the other guy I thought nothing of him, for obvious reasons. It started with small talk, but my interest in the other guy grew and grew until one night while messaging on Facebook, my boyfriend wanted to see our messages. There was a lot of playful banter between us. Oh and my boyfriend has a habit of checking my Facebook messages or asking who I'm talking to and what we are talking about. He says that it's basic trust and that if I have nothing to hide then I won't have a problem with it. He also has to know where I'm going, all the time. I actually thought this was normal for the longest time until someone very close to me told me that I shouldn't be anybody's property. Returning to the other topic. My boyfriend wanted to see my messages and I said no. Naturally he got mad. I then confessed that I wasn't happy in our relationship and that I wanted to end it. That to me it was over. He didn't accept it. He said that I love him and that we are meant to be. I said that there was someone else. He didn't accept that either, until I showed him the messages. Then he started saying things like "I'm going to have him killed" and that he was going to tell everyone about it and show everyone our messages. I insisted that he give me my phone back. He eventually threw it at me. It hit my stomach.

The next day we told a close friend about what was going on. He said that if I feel unhappy in our relationship, then I could've started speaking with any other guy. He said that break-ups are normal and that moving on is a part of life. He told me that what I was going through was perfectly normal and that it was a good thing that I wanted to end the relationship before I actually did anything with the other guy. That same day the other guy and I went to a park to talk and we ended up kissing. In my mind, my relationship with my boyfriend was over. But I don't excuse my actions my any means.

That night, my boyfriend had somewhat of an epiphany and decided that I was the love of his life and that the other guy was trash. The problem with the other guy is that he claimed to be my boyfriend's friend. My boyfriend trusted him and he felt betrayed. I got scared all of a sudden and took everything that I said to the other guy back. All the while I was still (and still am) staying with at my boyfriend's house. He has had me on a "tight leash" so to speak. Which is understandable. He has changed many things about him. He tells me he loves me and that I am the love of his life. He helps out more around the house. What he hasn't changed is the questioning of everything that I'm doing. He has to know who I'm talking to and what I'm talking about. He says that these questions are perfectly normal and that he's a curious person. He told me that he is more spiritually advanced than I am and that I am just being stubborn when I tell him that I don't love him. He says that he can still see love in my eyes. I feel hollow. I really liked the other guy but my boyfriend has put so many doubts in my head. I used to be positive that love is a yes or no thing. You either know, or you don't. There is never any room to doubt. Love and defeat everything. I don't know if I should give the other guy a chance, given that he was capable of "betraying" a friend. I don't know if I do love my boyfriend like he says I do. I feel like I don't know anything. Like I'm lost. I see him all day because we live together. The exception being with we sleep or go to the bathroom. Even then there have been times when he walks in on me and asks me what I'm doing. I still feel the need to talk to the other guy too. To see how he's doing, and just talk the way we used to. Because I stopped talking to him like I did before. If there is any piece of advice you can give me I would gladly accept. Thank you for reading all of this (if you skimmed I totally understand.)
Last edited by snail on Wed Jul 08, 2015 9:28 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Edited by Snail to insert paragraphs.
misty42
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Re: possible emotional abuse

Postby snail » Wed Jul 08, 2015 9:32 am

Your boyfriend has severe problems and is emotionally abusive and highly controlling. You need to leave him as soon as possible. Things will ultimately only get worse.

Don't go into another relationship right at the moment - there's a high chance you'll fall into a similar situation if you don't spend time healing first and working out why this happened. You need to find a safe place to live, where there are people who can support you. Can you go back to your parents?

You might find it useful to read about other people who have posted on here who have been in the same situation, in our Jealousy and Control thread:
viewtopic.php?f=3&t=14044
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Re: possible emotional abuse

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Jul 08, 2015 9:56 am

Agree with Snail

He is mentally abusing you, twisting things and manipulating you.

You are clearly not in love, trust me you know when you are, it isn't an ambivalent feeling when you are deeply in love.

Once you find somewhere to go you need to block your boyfriend from any form of contact with you because he will try to reel you back in with threats, begging and all forms of manipulation. You need to be strong and have people around you to support you.
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Re: possible emotional abuse

Postby misty42 » Thu Jul 09, 2015 6:53 pm

Thank you both for the advice. I'm glad that I am not going crazy. Right now I'm studying abroad so it's difficult to see my parents, however when the semester ends I fully intend on telling my mom about everything and making plans to live elsewhere.
misty42
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