Be good or have a life ?

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Be good or have a life ?

Postby PTR01981 » Mon Jul 27, 2015 6:00 pm

Hi, my name's Peter

I'm writing here because I'm completely lost. After 1,5 years of our relationship my gf had a mental breakdown, and dumped me because of it (she lost her mind, which I can understand and forgive). She broke down, left for home abroad (she's foreign), and kept absolutely silent for three weeks. I kept on asking her to say something. It sent me crazy. She had the strength to turn on facebook, display the message, but didn't have the strength to reply ? She sometimes said it was her mental state. She had insomnia all that time. But I noticed she didn't say "I love you", she just said "Have a nice day" in quite a cold manner. I understood the situation, but everything was kept in suspension for weeks, until she finally stopped torturing me mentally, and dumped me. Then she started saying she dumped me because of me stressing her up with requests for some contact (I shouted once, I couldn't take it). It sent me round the bend.
Now that a month has passed from the actual break up (two months counting the silence), her state has improved, but it's still awful. She has depression and cries all day, despite treatment, does nothing all days, and desperately wants me back. The problem is during the break up she tried covering any way back. She manipulated her parents against me, and they hate me, and ban any contact with me. Another problem is her. The rows we had were dreadful. She lost her nerve, she had no self-control, and said things like "F off", "you're nothing, you're a nobody", "it's over", "nobody likes you". Only after a while she'd say sorry, when I'd be near a stroke. She really was sorry each time, but couldn't control it, and it terrified her too. Genuinely. She now admits her lack of self-control might have contributed to her break down as well. Another problem is she applied to study else where. It's an hour by fast train, so visits would be seldom possible. After a year of the relationship she wanted to betray me, but didn't. I forgave her and she said sorry for it. Another girl is interested in me, and she might be mine soon. I love my ex to bits, and I feel awful leaving her in a depressed state. The breakdown was caused by studies which were too tough for her. She worked 18 hours a day, and barely managed to keep afloat, and eventually she crumbled and started getting obssessed about getting pregnant with me. There was never any direct act, so to speak, so it was impossible. But I feel guilty I allowed myself to be allowed by her to go that far.
I feel it's part of my doing too, and I feel immoral leaving her like that, but I know the relationship could be a nightmare again. And I have other options. I don't know what to do.I genuinely love her, and her state makes me want to die. What do I do ?
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Re: Be good or have a life ?

Postby snail » Sat Aug 01, 2015 9:46 pm

Well she doesn't sound like she's anywhere near well enough to be in a relationship at the moment. Why don't you leave it six months, have no contact with her, and see how you both feel?

I wouldn't start anything with the other girl - it isn't fair on her if you still have such strong feelings for your ex, and it isn't terribly fair on your ex either, if she's unwell. You'll always have options, there's no rush.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: Be good or have a life ?

Postby David020549 » Sun Aug 02, 2015 7:34 am

You say your ex girlfriend is with her parents in a foreign land having had a breakdown and has turned her parents against you.
You should let this girl go, let her rebuild her life without reminders of her past failure with her parents to support her, the last thing she needs is a man hassling her. Leaving home, living as a student, coping with a demanding study course and personal relationships as well does not suit everybody, colleges have a significant drop out rate, the pressure is too great for some.
With lots of care and no reminders of the past she will recover and find a life that suits her, that needs to be close to her parents where she can take her time, gain confidence, decide her life path for the future and the career she will follow.
Your feelings should count for nothing, you have not had a breakdown but you are associated with her problems and your continuing contact is pulling her in two directions, end it now.
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