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How to get boyfriend to spend more time with me

PostPosted: Wed Aug 12, 2015 9:26 pm
by Rarity
Hi, me and my boyfriend have been together about 8 months now. When we first got together we couldn't get enough of each other, and he took me out on dates, bought me presents, sat and chatted with me until the early hours of the morning. Problem is, he moved in with me a few months ago, and it's like he's not even bothered anymore... He is a big gamer, and spends all day on his PC. If he's not playing a game he's watching a video. I do EVERYTHING around the house, and that's no lie. I clean, cook, and cater to his every need. He doesn't even get his own drinks, he asks me to bring them to him. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing things for him and spoiling him because to me, he's worth it. I love him with all my heart, I've never felt anything like it about anyone before.

But just recently I've been feeling so down and neglected. I don't mind that he plays his games, but I just wish he would pay a little attention to me every now and then. I sit next to him on the bed all night and he barely even looks up from the computer screen. I try hugging and kissing him but he's not phased by it, or he feigns interest when I try talking to him. I don't want to nag him about playing his games because it usually doesn't bother me, and he told me he got annoyed with ex girlfriends who constantly nagged him about being on games. I don't want to have to tell him to pay attention to me, I want him to want to spend time with me, not because I'm asking for it. I've tried everything to get his attention. Making myself look extra good, suggesting films to watch, trying to "get him in the mood". He just shrugs it all off. He's still never met any of my friends, and I've given up asking him to come meet them because I know he will say no. He never wants to come anywhere with my family if we go out for the day, even though I always go with him to see his family. I feel like I'm giving 100% and getting nothing in return. It's affection on his terms, when he wants it, which is usually on a morning when he first wakes up, when I get around 10mins for a quick cuddle, and maybe a bit of hanky panky. I cried last night because I feel so unimportant to him...

Yesterday I went out with my mum and was looking forward to seeing him all day. When I got back, he didn't even give me a kiss, just a brief recognition that I was home, and carried on playing his game while chatting to his best friend. Later on he went out to meet his friend for a few hours, and I made an effort to look good for when he came back. He got back home and the first thing he did was climb over me on the bed, put his headphones on, and start playing his game and talking to his friend again. I just rolled over and silently cried to myself because I just want to have some time with him where he's not on his game... He doesn't work at the moment, and even though he keeps saying he needs a job, spends all day on his PC. Surely he could find the tme in 24 hours to spend some time with me?

I just find it so frustrating that he's got (in my eyes) a perfectly good girlfriend who does everything for him, and pretty much throws herself at him, and he just shrugs it all off. He says he loves me, but after 8 months together I still want to be all over him, I would have thought he felt the same? I don't want him to see me down but I can't help feeling so dejected and lonely. I just want him to be like he was when we first got together. This is the man I want to marry, but I feel like a fool for feeling that way, when he would probably much rather be shacked up with his computer for the rest of his life. I have a little girl to another guy, that he only speaks to if she goes into the bedroom to speak to him. And he tells me he wants a baby... how can I seriously think of having a baby with him when he can't even turn his games off for an hour to spend some quality time with me? Am I a fool to think he will pick up on my feelings? Or am I just wasting my time with him?

I love him so much, it physically hurts... Thanks for any advice

Re: How to get boyfriend to spend more time with me

PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 7:15 am
by David020549
This behavior is unreasonable he is taking advantage of your home and yourself, give him one chance it's either the computer or you, if there is no change kick him out.

Re: How to get boyfriend to spend more time with me

PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 9:04 am
by snail
Let me get this straight - he's living in your house, he isn't working but also isn't even really looking for work, he doesn't do anything around the house and expects even drinks and snacks to be brought to him, he doesn't show you any attention and he doesn't see your family or friends when you ask him to? That's appalling, especially after eight months (and in fact you posted about this problem before, when the relationship was only three months old...)

I know it's so upsetting when a relationship you had really high hopes of doesn't work out and it turns out not to be how you thought it was in the beginning, but this one isn't working out. I agree about giving him an ultimatum - one about spending a certain amount of time with you, getting a job, doing certain things around the house - but to be honest I think you'd be better just asking him to move out. I fear that an ultimatum would make him change temporarily but then change back again as soon as he can. I think he's taking you for a fool. No one that cared about you would be behaving like that.

Re: How to get boyfriend to spend more time with me

PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 11:30 am
by Bel Bel
Why would he change
There are no consequences if he doesn't and he gets treated like a Royal and you are his servant

If you want him to change you need to set some boundries. Limit his time on the computer, if he doesn't adhere to it kick him out or cut the plug off.
He needs to know you mean it.

Re: How to get boyfriend to spend more time with me

PostPosted: Mon Aug 17, 2015 8:59 am
by flashcampbell
I don't think he will change,judging from his past. I'm not surprised his exes nagged him. He's treating you like a mug

Re: How to get boyfriend to spend more time with me

PostPosted: Wed Aug 19, 2015 3:55 pm
by Minna
Rarity, you're a lovely, giving, girl who is in a very unhappy situation. Do you think that if you put enough effort in loving him, surely he will suddenly realise what a treasure he has and change for the better? Sadly, he will not.

I suspect that he is, and has been throughout his life, terribly spoilt by his mum and dad, so much so that he genuinely can't imagine what the problem is with you being upset. His brain has been hardwired since childhood to always put himself and his wants and needs first over anyone else - even you. He will not change.

Please don't marry him and definitely do not have his child.

I suspect that a baby would give him the excuse to behave in an even worse way towards you, because he would know that a loving and caring mother/wife such as yourself would put up with anything rather than cause upset in the home where there is a baby.

Imagine you were reading the same story, but sent in by another girl. What would you be longing to say to her?

Rarity, you deserve happiness. Someone who will treat you properly - there is someone out there, who will find you.

The man you live with may care for you, but I'm afraid he loves himself more, and always will.

Good luck.