Finding your date is on Tinder...

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Finding your date is on Tinder...

Postby arose89 » Fri Aug 21, 2015 8:56 pm

I don't know where to start. And I can't work out if this is just my anxiety or if it's founded.

I started dating a guy last weekend, we went on five great dates, and he said all the right things - making me feel incredibly special and telling me that he felt this could lead to something much more. He really made a thing of this - telling me that he's not just in this for 'a bit of fun', that he hasn't felt this way before, etc...

I felt like he thought I was the only one for him, but I've just found out he's still using Tinder and talking to girls on social media. I know we're not exclusive yet, but is this acceptable? Is it normal? Or am I overreacting? It just seems to completely conflict with what he said about this being something special to him...

I've been hurt a lot on the past and it's been two years since I even attempted to date, and now I'm just left feeling very vulnerable.
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Re: Finding your date is on Tinder...

Postby Mrconfused74 » Sat Aug 22, 2015 3:33 am

Are you sure he is still talking to other women on there? Or is he just on there? Not used Tinder so not sure how it works.
But from what your saying it sounds very much like he is saying all the right things to try and to get you into bed. It is possible that he's also keeping his options open you say your not exclusive, so he might be using this to his advantage, although personally if you've been on that many dates I'd say that was enough to say it's wrong of him to be chatting in a flirty way with other girls.
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Re: Finding your date is on Tinder...

Postby snail » Sat Aug 22, 2015 7:49 am

If it started last weekend, does that mean 5 dates in a week? If it were 5 dates over 5 weeks, then it would definitely be a very bad sign. If it's only been a week, I think you could give him a bit of leeway. I would still be a little wary though because, as you rightly say, it does contradict what he has said about how special it is to him, so saying how special it is seems to come easily to him. As it is bothering you, I would ask him to be exclusive. His response to that may well tell you what you need to know.

I don't know what other people do, but I have asked to be exclusive if I am, or am about to, sleep with a man, or after 3 dates. I have never had a man that didn't agree willingly to that.
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Re: Finding your date is on Tinder...

Postby Tarantula » Tue Aug 25, 2015 7:45 pm

If his actions contradict his words then you're in trouble.

Trust your gut on this one. I would feel exactly the same as you. And by the way, I've had direct experience of this on Tinder; met a man promising me the world, saw him everyday for three weeks by which time I'd even met his friends and established relationship status - all on his insistence, not mine! Then one day he goes silent and says he can't commit to a relationship - which he insisted on - and I never hear from him again.

People have all sorts of reasons for overcompensating. Beware the overcompensater. You want someone who is reasonably true to his words.

In this day and age of duplicity thanks to apps like tinder, people like to manage dating risk by keeping options open as long as possible. It is possible that he does feel that way for you but due to his own insecurities is shopping around just in case - after all, he doesn't really know you either.

My advice is, slow it down, don't get in too deep, and maybe the next time he goes on a sweet talk rampage, just be direct with a 'in that case, do you want to be exclusive?'

I'm oldschool, so normally I'd say that's up to him to ask, but if he's gonna be saying all these lovely things, you're well within your right to ask him to put pen to paper, so to speak. Don't worry about 'looking needy'. That fear of looking needy allows men and women to get away with all sorts of hanky panky! Be true to yourself, be direct.

If he balks at that, then don't write him off - just tell him you'd appreciate it if he'd quit the sweety sweety, as it's all a bit too much for you given that you're not exclusive. Don't say this is an accusatory way, just shrug and face facts. Gently call him out on it. Ironically, if anything, this will probably have him wondering why he isn't locking it down with such a sassy lady! So long as you're not being catty about it.

As long as you're not investing too much emotionally (and this typically means sexually as well) and are keeping your own interests at heart, you don't need to cut him off. Just slow down and see how he responds. Instead of focusing so much on what he thinks of you, ask yourself how YOU feel about HIM, if it turns out that he really is all talk and no cigar!
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