Not sure if this is a problem!

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Not sure if this is a problem!

Postby TDR35 » Mon Aug 24, 2015 4:54 pm

Hi, I am new on here, after a number of unsuccessful attempts to post on other sites I found this one which I hope is much more user friendly! I have a worry that I'm not sure is worth getting in a stew about or not and would value others opinions. Yesterday I was at my fiancé's home (stayed over Saturday night) and in the morning I was on his computer. On the search engine I noticed it had recent searches and one was for a porn site, so being nosey I looked on his history (only had that day's history) and it said he'd been on the site that morning (while I was still asleep). I queried him about it and he said he hadn't been on there that day which I know was a lie! I know he goes on this site at times which is normal I guess but to lie to me about it is what really hurt. Also the previous night we had tried making love but it didn't last long (he's not often up for it) and I'm worried that him looking at porn (he only looks at lesbian stuff) is affecting our sex life. If I try to initiate things he often gets moody, or he nods off as soon as he lays down etc. I wouldn't be too bothered him having solo sex if it didn't affect us but it appears to be, and also lying to me I'm not sure I can trust him now. Am I making too much of this and should I just forget it?
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Re: Not sure if this is a problem!

Postby Tarantula » Tue Aug 25, 2015 7:55 pm

For me, whether or not this is worth getting in a stew about is besides the point. The bigger question is, will getting in a stew about it actually help, or make the problem worse?

I totally feel you that the lie is worse than the thing itself. What motive could he possibly have to lie? Well, that's obvious, isn't it? He didn't want to hurt your feelings. From the moment you asked, he was darned if he did and darned if he didn't. Either he admits, and you're sad, and he's guilty - or he lies, prevents you from being sad, and probably feels guilty for lying. So either way, he suffers.

I think sex problems in a relationship are normally the end result of other issues that have been piling up; he doesn't feel 'safe' to be honest with you, so you have to look at other factors as to why this might be. To put it another way, if all was dandy in your relationship, you'd be having more sex, so it's not the porn you need to be thinking about - it's the unnamed entity that is the OTHER problem/s that have been brewing.

I think this is nothing major, overall. But how you handle it can make it more of a thing or less of a thing. Yes, he lied, but it was only to protect your feelings and avoid unnecessary discord. He isn't sitting there thinking 'mwahahaha, I'm getting away with it!' Probably, he doesn't feel great about lying and his own conscience is punishment enough for that, so I'd maybe tell him, in a non-confrontational way, that you know he's fibbing and you're not mad (if you truly contemplate things from his point of view, his reasons for lying, you won't be mad anymore) and you wanna know how he's feeling about things so you can make things better as a couple. 'Seek first to understand, THEN to be understood'!

Bigger picture: he's your fiance. You've committed to spending your LIFE together. Surely, there are bigger trials for your relationship ahead than a bit of sneaky sneaky porn watching. We all like a bit of porn, not gonna lie. It doesn't mean what you think it means. Don't give it unwarranted significance, try to resist the temptation to blow it up in your mind.
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Re: Not sure if this is a problem!

Postby Tarantula » Tue Aug 25, 2015 8:15 pm

Oh, I didn't mean to sound dismissive of your point of view!

I totally understand how you feel and I would feel the same way in your position! And, probably, I would kick off about it and create a big hullabaloo where he simply can't win (unless he invented a time machine through which he removed the offending act), and it could go on and on.

But all this would do is damage the relationship. Ultimately, I would not leave him for it, therefore why create damage? I know it's important to assert yourself in a relationship but I also think that it sometimes helps to think about and do things a little differently to how you would normally, as to be a little bit philosophical about things, it's whatever current dynamics are in place from both your sides that led to this current scenario.

Anyway I just wanted to say I get it - but keep the bigger picture in mind.
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Re: Not sure if this is a problem!

Postby TDR35 » Wed Aug 26, 2015 3:24 pm

Thanks Tarantula for your reply. I saw him yesterday and we talked about it and he admitted he'd lied to me and said sorry several times so I guess that has cleared the air. I know most blokes use porn but the problem would be if he uses it instead of wanting me. I find it (porn) quite degrading to people especially women and it makes me feel rejected and not good enough. He said about putting a block on the site so maybe that would be a positive. Our relationship is very good other than in the bedroom department, I seem to have a higher sex drive than him and I'm lucky if I get it once a week (about three times a week would be ideal for me). I'm thinking possibly seeing a counsellor on this, either with him or on my own and see if they can come up with some suggestions. I don't want this issue to ruin what is otherwise a pretty fantastic relationship!
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