Backed into a corner

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Backed into a corner

Postby stuck in a rut » Tue Aug 25, 2015 4:24 pm

Oh my. I don't want to go on but I need to tell someone, even if nothing comes of it.
My children, who were teenagers at the time, and I moved into my parters house about a year and a half ago. We have been together for 10 years. It all went sour with my parter and son very quickly and my son moved out. Unreasonable behaviour from both parties with me stuck in the middle. My fault, I should have taken control of the situation but I didn't.
The problem was I couldn't move back out at the time because of money and that I had given EVERYTHING away when I moved in with him, thinking it would work. Since my son left the house has calmed down but I miss him so much it's like one of my organs is missing, my son has mental health issues that has resurfaced due to living on his own and not being able to come emotionally and needs me to take care of him. I want to move back out on my own now to look after him and have explained this to my partner but he refuses to help. I have no money to move and my partner who earns more than 4 times the amount I do refuses to help financially. I realise he is hurt and if I was doing this for anyone else he would probably not be so bad but because he and my son hate each other so much he is resentful that I am wanting to move out for his sake.
I have explained to my parter that this is only temporary and I would like us to continue our relationship and that I have faith in in our relationship enough to know we can get through it. when my son is settled I will come back. I just want his support, help and understanding.
As I am writing this it all sounds so one sided, and I seem very much that I want my cake and eat it, but my partner blames me for the problem because I didn't take charge in the first place so I trying to put it right. I admit I am weak and didn't want any confrontation, all about how I was brought up I'm afraid.
Private renting is far too expensive and out of my reach so I have applied for housing from the council but they are making it very difficult for me because my son is in supported housing.
My son, who is actually an amazing person, needs my support very much and partner is a big boy now and can look after himself.
There is so much tension in the house now that It is becoming unbearable for me, and my parter and I am feeling depressed and cry all the time, I just wish he could understand.
I have lost myself and feel, trapped, backed into a corner, alone and unfocused. I feel that my son needs me and it's my job to provide the security and support for him, but I cannot ignore that if I do this I may irreversibly damage my relationship with my partner and our future together. I love him very much but if I have to I will leave and never come back if he makes me choose.
I have a big problem in talking to people, especially my parter, about how I feel, in fact I don't talk to anyone, at all, ever....I don't want to say anything that would be hurtful or upsetting. Childish I know. Fortunately, for his own sense of mental well being, my parter says EXACTLY what is on his mind without any kind of moral filter between his brain and mouth, he says plenty of blunt hurtful things to me about it all. This I realise is the best way to prevent a build up of resentment about things but tact can sometimes be a better tool to use when communicating.
My daughter is moving on with her boyfriend and they are getting a place together. I feel sad that she is leaving but immensely happy that she is looking forward and getting on with it.
I could go on and on about how my partner is this and that but it would n't help. I take full responsibility for my own decisions and actions and full responsibility for my own happiness and cannot blame someone else if I am unhappy. But I am stuck financially and need to try to make my partner see sense and see that he needs to have faith in me that I think this will work for us all.
Maybe someone could have a suggestion on how I could approach this. What I could say next. How can I convince him to help me. How I could convince him to have faith in me.

Of course this is not the full story and other MAJOR things factor in the problems we have but I just needed to get it all out there, hoping it will seem clearer if I write it down. It hasn't though it just keeps going round and round...

Thank you for reading this and giving your time. Any suggestions warmly and eagerly received.
xxxx
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Re: Backed into a corner

Postby snail » Wed Aug 26, 2015 2:10 pm

I feel for you; what a hard situation to be in. It doesn't seem one-sided to me - I can totally see both yours and your partner's point of view. I can't say that either of you are in the wrong at all, it's just a difficult situation.

The only thing I can think is, is there any chance of a compromise at all - could you spend some time every day at your son's place, supporting him, maybe having a meal with him, doing his laundry etc, and then come home to your partner? That might mean giving up your job but your partner may accept that as a necessary evil. Later on you could go back to work.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

Najwa Zebian
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