Do I choose the money option or live in poverty?

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Do I choose the money option or live in poverty?

Postby medusa » Wed Aug 26, 2015 12:54 pm

I hope someone can advise me.
I have been casually dating a man for three years. A year ago he said he loved me and wants me to move in with him.
I gave up work two years ago after a back injury and have been living on some inheritance which has nearly all gone, plus he gives me money.
I have been unsuccessful in finding another job so far I assume because of being unskilled and getting on in years.
The problem is, Ive been living on my own since getting divorced five years ago and I would like it to stay that way, but if I do it
will be in poverty. If I did find a job it could only be part time because of health problems.
The man concerned is quite wealthy and he says I will want for nothing and will never have to work again which is quite a tempting offer.
It would be easy if I loved him, but I dont and he knows this. I have said there will never be anything physical between us and he accepts
that, apparently he is not interested in sex anymore and I could have my own room.
He reminded me the other day that he has been waiting for over a year for my decision and rightly so thinks I should make up my mind.
I love my independence and I dont think I could live with him as certain things about him really irritate me and I can only cope with his company for a few
hours at a time.
I know he is lonely and just wants someone to keep him company at home and do the household chores but I just cant decide what to do.
I hope someone can perhaps tell me what they would do in this situation.
Thank you.
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Re: Do I choose the money option or live in poverty?

Postby snail » Wed Aug 26, 2015 2:28 pm

I think I would say, don't do it. The reason is, once you do move in with him, there isn't really any way back. (Unless you are expecting to save up enough money while living with him to be able to be independant again at some point). You will find it even harder to get a job after even more time without one and being older still, you will be less used to work, less used to low income, you will be off the housing ladder etc. So effectively (depending on how old you are actually are) you are condemned to this situation for at least the next 20 years and possibly the next 40 - living full time with a man whose company you find difficult to cope with for more than a few hours at a time. You will be trapped. And that's assuming it all works out - what if he is much more unpleasant or even abusive once you are living there and are completely under his control? What if you like him even less than you thought? What if he suddenly one day finds a younger/prettier woman willing to live with him for the financial benefits and tells you to get your stuff together and get out by the morning?

You will also be stopping him from finding someone who will live with him because she actually wants to, not because she's benefitting financially. Likewise, although you don't want love and sex now, you must have done so in the the past and you may do so again in the future, but how will you ever start a relationship under those circumstances? This is tempting but it's essentially a dead end, and you will be very vulnerable. There must be something else you can do which offers a more fulfilling future, even if it means more effort in the here and now.
How we spend our days is how we spend our lives.

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Re: Do I choose the money option or live in poverty?

Postby David020549 » Wed Aug 26, 2015 8:01 pm

To sum up cash is running out and work prospects are poor, you have got to know him quite well in the last 3 years, you like him rather than love him, as you have been working I will assume you have rented accommodation rather than social housing.
I suggest you ask for a trial period as a companion/housekeeper at a nominal allowance of £250 a week plus keep that would allow you to have independent days out, holidays if you want and put some aside as savings. If it does not work out you will have gained some cash, lost nothing and return to renting a place of your own and living on whatever benefits you can claim.
That allowance relates to about 4 hours a day so is not over the top and if he is wealthy he will agree, companionship is a valuable commodity for both of you and your long term prospects are much better than no work on benefits so you simply have to make the pitch
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Re: Do I choose the money option or live in poverty?

Postby medusa » Thu Aug 27, 2015 10:52 am

Hello.

I really appreciate the quick response to my problem. Both answers were very helpful.
Thank you.
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