Bumped into first love after 15 years...

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Bumped into first love after 15 years...

Postby Fury10 » Wed Sep 09, 2015 9:22 pm

This is a bizarre one. And sorry for the length.

15 years ago I went out with my first love for a mere 3-4months it was great and then all of a sudden she just ended it. I was heartbroken and couldn't understand why, there was no explanation i never heard from her again so after a while I just decided she had been stringing me along or something and rarely thought about her again after about 6 months of being messed up over it.

Fast forward 15 years and I attend a uni friends wedding and she is there. Initially we just say hi, then as the evening wears on I had a few drinks and decided to ask her what happened. She told me something that threw out the fantasy story that I had concocted for my own closure, something had happened that was so awful she couldn't cope at the time. Boom! Essentially this girl I had loved who I had thought had cruelly just kicked me to the curb had actually been in a terrible situation that caused her to end it as this situation / incident had severely messed head up and it was not something she could talk about. She has only ever told one person apparently (my uni friend whose wedding it was) they have remained friends over the years. She says she couldn't tell me and she was sorry, but when she could see in my eyes the hurt it had caused when I asked her why she knew she had to tell me.

So boom a mini belief system was destroyed and all of a sudden I feel cheated by these extenuating circumstances that have prevented that relationship running its natural course. We were then chatting in our own little bubble for at least 2/3hrs and all of a sudden pretty much all 300 guests are gone. I go back to her hotel and we carry on talking and end up fooling around a little and then spend the next day together going to lunch etc.

The catch being she is single and I am in a relationship and have 2 kids with my girlfriend. I'm not going to lie and say there are huge issues in my relationship we have young children and for the last 12-18months we sleep in separate rooms due to her wanting the kids in the bed when they are young (currently youngest is 8months and sleeping in her bed). We argued a lot when it happened with the first but with the 2nd I have just moved into the spare room and let her do it her way at night given up I guess. So I guess we are at that 'companions bringing up kids together' stage some couples end up in.

Anyway I have remained in contact with my first love, and we have been talking about how we could perhaps just become friends. It's like we both feel we need each other in our lives or to work through and conclude something. I would never leave my partner and kids for another woman and feel like a dick for what happened in that hotel room (never done anything like that before). We have said we need to work out whether we can be just friends or whether we are able to recognise we have a special connection and enjoy the comfortableness of that in a purely platonic fashion as long as its not just torturing ourselves.

How is strange that a 3 month relationship can have such an affect after 15 years? Why did we feel so comfortable with each other I mean in 3-4 months surely we were still getting to know one another and 15 years later we would have each grown so much anyway.

I can't get my head around it all. Help!

P.S. I know I have done a dickish thing already and don't plan to do that again, but think I need to attempt this friendship thing.

P.P.S We have also discussed that nothing can happen due to my relationship but also enjoyed talking hypothetically...
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Re: Bumped into first love after 15 years...

Postby miaow » Thu Sep 10, 2015 4:36 pm

I'm so sorry but I am hearing big warning bells ringing.

If you want to stay with the mother of your children you need to stay away from your first love.

A friendship has the potential to turn into something more and people will get hurt, you've already 'fooled around' although I'm not quite sure what this would entail - kissing or something more?

If your partner found out, and these things do have a way of getting found out, she may never forgive you and the choice to be with her will be taken out your hands.

How would you feel if your partner said she'd met her first love and fooled around with him, spent a day with him having lunch and wanted to maintain a friendship with him?
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Re: Bumped into first love after 15 years...

Postby Tarantula » Thu Sep 10, 2015 6:54 pm

Miaow laying down the law. I agree completely.
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Re: Bumped into first love after 15 years...

Postby Fury10 » Fri Sep 11, 2015 12:56 am

Thank you for responding.
I think I know you are right, fooling around was physical but not sex but as you say if roles were reversed between me and my partner I would not be happy.

I spoke to my brother who has the same opinion as you, and I think in my head there was a little voice saying it all along...

Part of me feels that if my partner told me this story, I would maybe be understanding now that I know how it feels, but again my subconscious is probably rationalising things for me.

Im not an idiot but as my brother said to me tonight I wear my heart on my sleeve and it probably all links into abandonment issues (my father left when I was 3). I thought she had abandoned me but she hadn't.

If I'm honest I don't know what will happen I am not about to leave my partner or anything, I don't want to hurt anyone... But at the same time I need to understand why after 15 years this has even happened.. A 3-4month relationship for christ sake.

None of it makes sense to me and for someone that is quite in control of their life this has tired me upside down.

Perfect world, the friendship thing works, we meet once in a while and feel nothing more than friendship and are able to be a part of each others life with no feelings of guilt or wrongdoing. Worst case scenario we are not able to do so and need to stay away from each other, which we would do and one or both of us would be hurt but deal with it. chuck probably rationalising a decision my brain or heart has already made.

Is this just the usual story behind an affair? Or do people actually become just friends after such along time?

II have no problem with you guys shooting from the hip, maybe I just sound like the typical pre-cheater to you but I am genuinely confused mainly by having the natural play of a relationship stolen from me and then the relaxed nature of a catch up 15 years later.

Caught in a Web of my own making perhaps.
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Re: Bumped into first love after 15 years...

Postby snail » Fri Sep 11, 2015 9:22 am

I would think the shortness of the relationship is one of the main reasons it feels like this now, rather than being surprising. 3 to 4 months is the absolute peak of the honeymoon period, in the height of the excitement and long before any disagreements or snappiness or breaking wind in front of each other. (And long before you really know each other of course). Compare that to the exact opposite that you have with your girlfriend - you've seen each other through all the least romantic things that are possible and you know her inside out.

It's possible that this woman was the love of your life and you missed out, but to be honest it's impossible to work that out while you are in another relationship where you aren't very happy and have the stress of two young children and (presumably) no sex life. You are seeing everything through the prism of that. Plus any relationship that you have with the old girlfriend now will be secret and exciting, and it won't be a true test of what a real relationship between you would be like. You really need to decide if you want to be with your current partner for the rest of your life or if you want to be free to pursue love somewhere else - maybe with the old girlfriend, maybe somewhere else. If you want to be free, then make a plan as to what you're going to do about that. If you have an eight-month old, then I would have thought the relationship must still be quite good, as it can't have been that long ago that you were planning that child, or having lots of sex to achieve it?

Incidentally, if you meet up with this woman, you will be having an affair. It's a bit worrying how you are kidding yourself with the "friendship" thing. Affairs aren't defined by what you do physically, but by the nature of the relationship. This would be an affair even if you never got to the sex stage (and based on what has happened so far it sounds as though you would get to that fairly quickly).
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: Bumped into first love after 15 years...

Postby miaow » Fri Sep 11, 2015 4:58 pm

Oops didn't mean to lay the law down.

Just worried you could end up ruining relationship you have.
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