Girlfriend is homesick, my fault?

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Girlfriend is homesick, my fault?

Postby Kenjiin » Thu Sep 10, 2015 4:31 pm

Hey, this is my first post here, just looking for a little advice! or some opinions.

My girlfriend and I have been together almost 3 years. We met each other via my sister who she worked with at the time, fell in love and moved in together 1 month after being together. We knew it was fast, but it had a positive financial impact too as we were both paying £450pm each for 2 very small studio apartments.

Anyways, my girlfriend is Portuguese, she moved here when she was 19 with her mum, couldn't speak any English at all and now she's fluent with barely any accent, most people don't pick up that she's not from here. Aside from her mum and younger sister all her family and friends are back in Portugal. She has the type of friends I've never had, ones that you can spend a year apart and when you meet again its like you were never apart, and she has the most loving, caring family. I genuinely don't have a bad word to say about them, they made me feel so welcome when we first met last year, I was treated like their own grandson.

She's 24 now (I'm 27) and we've had probably our biggest rough patch over the last few months. To put it bluntly, she got bored. She doesn't have any true friends here, nothing remotely close to what she has in Portugal and she doesn't have any hobbies aside from Television, which I'm not even sure is a hobby.

I play a lot of video games and she's never been a fan of them, but I can play them too much and slip into my own little world. I do take her for granted at times, she always cooks and cleans, buys all the small things for the flat I wouldn't even think about. I love her to bits, but I guess I just got complacent. I'm about 3 stone heavier than when we met, she asks me to go to the gym all the time and I have spell where I do, lose about a stone and gradually put it back on. We both love our food, but she doesn't gain an ounce.

We communicate very openly. I know she doesn't find me sexually attractive while I'm as this weight, and hell, I'm not happy with my weight either, I'm just a lazy bother. She's absolutely beautiful, and when I'm 50lbs more than when she met me, lets just say I'm punching above my weight.

Either way, recently she's spoke more and more about moving back to Portugal where as previously she'd said she couldn't ever go back because there's nothing there in terms of jobs and career prospects, the countries economy isn't in a great position. We both work full time here and have a 1br flat. All of her friends in Portugal either work full time, part time and study or just part time, but they all live with their parents. Apparently people don't just move out at the first opportunity like they do in England.

It's getting her down so much, I would actually say she's depressed. She's feels as though its not possible to move back, that it would be too much of a struggle as a couple. She feels as though she's never really fit in here. She's very social in Portugal, always with friends and going out for coffee until 12-1am just chatting, its just the lifestyle over there. Here she works and comes home, everything shuts at half 5 so there's nothing to do, and sometimes I don't finish until 10pm, so she gets lonely.

We were trying for a baby at the beginning of the year, but she'd just came off the implant and it wasn't really happening. Now everything has kind of switched around. She doesn't want to have a child right now. Too be fair I think we were a little caught up in baby fever as my Niece has just been born. Neither of us drive so its hard to visit new places together by train as its so expensive.

I feel as though she's rethinking things, she still loves me but I think the allure of Portugal and her lifestyle, friends and family is really getting to her when I'm really the only person she has here aside from her mum and we've just been arguing a lot more and not having as much fun together. She's not a day by day person. She always needs a plan, something to aim for, whether its saving for a holiday or when we were saving for a deposit for our new flat. She's always telling me to look for a new job because she knows I don't like mine, which I don't, but its just routine, I've got stuck in a rut there.

As I type this its making me seem as though I'm not ambitious enough for her. I am a live in the moment type of guy. I get up, I start work at maybe 1pm, finish at 10 and when she go's to bed I stay up and play video games until maybe 3am, I do it all again. We rarely go to bed together which she brings up.

Typing things down really does put things in perspective... I seem like such a selfish jerk. I say I want her to be happy but I don't do an awful lot to make it happen. Buy a take away now and then? I don't think it really cuts it. She likes to do things on our days off together but we don't drive and just end up walking into the town center we both work in, getting some food and coming home. Taking the train anywhere is expensive for both of us.

I'm sorry, this is ridiculously long.

We were both meant to be going to Portugal this week, but I don't speak Portuguese and I get that it can sometimes not be the most relaxing experience when you have to translate everything being said, or continuously make sure I'm ok while everyone talks Portuguese because they don't speak English. We had some little arguments over there last year due to me feeling left out, but that was due to to the way I handled things, started to feel sorry for myself and ruin some of her time. She tried her best. All while she just wants to relax and see her friends and family for the 1-2 weeks she's there a year. So we decided she would go alone, enjoy her time with friends and family and I'd get a week to myself to do whatever I wanted.

But its her 4th day there and she's just getting down about having to come back to England. Whenever we talk not a whole lot is said and it really gets me down because I don't feel missed. She's not off partying or anything, just seeing friends and family, going to the beach, meeting with people she hasn't seen in a while. But am I being selfish and needy because she isn't missing me after 4 days and Is already missing Portugal again? But I've tried to be honest about what I'm like, would you miss coming back to this when she has so much there?

And I feel like I've used the promise of change too often now with no real results. So any promises are just met with sigh's like she's heard it all before. When we came back from Portugal last year I had 3 goals by this year. Get back into shape, find a new job, learn Portuguese so I could communicate with her friends and family more. None of those have been achieved. I'm in the exact same place I was last September. I've promised her I'll play less video games, come to bed with her more, and I do for a month, and then I slowly slip back into old routine. I stop going to bed with her and staying up playing, which in turn stops me going to the gym before work and when I'm not exercising I start eating rubbish again, in large quantities.

I love her more than anything in the world. If it were possible I'd move to Portugal together. I only have close family here and one close friend. I've gone out for one drink since she's been gone, the rest of the time was spent playing. Neither of us went to Uni, so we don't really have a marketable skills to just up and find a new job easily.

I just don't know. When I read this back Its no wonder why she isn't looking forward to coming back and how she can't stop thinking about her own country. We have 10 months left on the contract of this flat, neither of us can afford it alone, and she's not about to up and leave me with no way to pay rent. Plus she loves me and cares about her job and the few people she works with, they are the closest thing she has to friends here. Basically she wouldn't just disappear, but I feel as though she truly wants to go back.

Do you think her homesickness is understandable? It's just so hard to hear her talk about it all the time, I used to be everything to her :(

Should I just concentrate on changing the things I've said I'd change and hopefully things will return to how they were? Getting to the gym regularly to make her find me attractive again, making her my priority and not when can I next get some game time in? The answer seems so simple, but I can't say anything to her about it cause she's heard to once or twice before. It would just require silent action. I'm just worried it may be too late. She told me she bought me a gift yesterday though to bring home. So I can hold onto little things like that hopefully meaning there's still time to save this. Any advice is welcome. If its my fault, I probably need to hear it from someone else.

Thanks for taking the time to read :)
Kenjiin
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Re: Girlfriend is homesick, my fault?

Postby miaow » Fri Sep 11, 2015 5:15 pm

I do think her homesickness is understandable, she is stuck in a rut.

You've outlined the issue and the reason in your post, she doesn't have a life here. She cooks and cleans, spends little quality time with you and her only enjoyment is tv. Being in Portugal with friends who want to spend their time with her and socialise is going to be more alluring for her than the rut she seems to be in.

The three goals sounded a great idea, I think you've realised now that it was a mistake not to try to reach any of these goals and she probably feels let down.

You've said yourself you've taken her for granted and come complacent with the relationship, you know this and have tried to change but after a month or so you give up and go back to the old routine.

If the possibility of breaking up with your girlfriend doesn't give you the willpower to do and make these changes (spend time with her, get healthy, etc) to your relationship then the relationship isn't worth saving.

Could maybe you both go to the gym together, she can give you some motivation, and it can be something you do together. Or join a slimming group? I once joined Weightwatchers to lose a few pounds before my wedding and asked hubby to come along, he did even though he didn't need to lose anything but it was the support I really was asking from him by coming with me.
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