Life changing decision **affair

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Life changing decision **affair

Postby PaulSurfs » Mon Sep 14, 2015 10:33 pm

Hi All,

I have taken this decision to seek some neutral advice on a topic which is both heart breaking and extremely difficult to deal with.

I am a 40 year old guy.My best friend has been married for 4 years and has 2 boys (3 & 5). For the past year he has been having an affair with a 29 year old girl who he met randomly in a bar. They have been seeing each other for just over 1 year and he promised her he will end his marriage and move in with her. The problem is this, my friend doesn't have the balls to move on. The marriage was always an iffy one so to speak due to the fact that their first born is the result of a one night stand. They have both genuinely tried however it is clear to everyone that this relationship doomed. His wife seems reluctant to end their marriage, she doesnt know about the other woman. I am 100% sure that this girl who he is having a relationship has genuine feelings for him and I believe the feeling is mutual however he cannot make that final move to end his marriage. Part of me understands why however I am now at the point where this situation is completely unfair on all parties especially his wife who deserves the chance to be with someone who loves her, which clearly isn't my friend.

QUESTION - Should I tell her anonymously ? It will break her heart but at least she'll be able to make an informed decision about her life. It will also rip the plaster off regarding my spineless friend. I would appreciate constructive advice on this difficult matter.

Paul
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Re: Life changing decision **affair

Postby Mrconfused74 » Tue Sep 15, 2015 9:00 am

No you shouldn't tell her, you don't know if she is aware of the affair, and what affect it will have on her, the children or your friend if she's told. She may well know but accepts it so she can keep some resemblance of a family life. Do you spend a lot of time with them as a family? Maybe they are happy all together but just not so much as s couple. But that's for them to decide no one else.
What would you gain from telling her? Are you in love with her? Do you think she'll leave him and allow you to comfort her? Are you jealous that your friend has a younger girl, did you try and chat her up too and get knocked back for your friend?
Unless you spend a lot of time with your friend and his family you won't know what they are like together, do you spend time with your friend and this girl? If not you can't really say how she feels, your only going by what he's told you.
What would happen if you told her it's been going on for a year? Why leave it so long to tell her? All your accomplish is hurting her, breaking up a family and maybe losing a friend.
What you should be doing is convincing your friend to grow some balls and make a decision about what he's going to do, and do it fast.
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Re: Life changing decision **affair

Postby miaow » Wed Sep 16, 2015 8:38 pm

I would keep out of it.

Things like this naturally end up coming out and you don't want to have any part in it, stay neutral and say nothing to the wife.
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Re: Life changing decision **affair

Postby David020549 » Thu Sep 17, 2015 7:06 pm

Definitely stay out of it, he will quite likely end up with neither, the messenger usually ends up getting shot. When it all goes wrong he is going to need a friend.
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Re: Life changing decision **affair

Postby Tarantula » Sat Sep 19, 2015 7:28 am

I have a strong dissenting opinion.

All the arguments against telling are theoretical only, based on what 'might' happen or what she 'might' already know. I think it is better to base actions on the FACTS of what you already know, which is that your friend is actively abusing his wife's trust, playing both women to his advantage due to his own lack of balls.

All three people in this equation are using each other to chisel out their own self-fulfilling prophecies. You may feel sorry for the other girl, but she is choosing to be in this situation as an adult, and that is her choice, in awareness of the facts. He may be playing the victim but, again, is weighing up the consequences of all things in his mind and choosing the situation. His wife is choosing to stay in a miserable marriage, BUT she is the only one of the three who is NOT in full possession of the facts, facts which might otherwise change her decision.

Probably if you say anything, you will get shot. It will cause a ruckus. It will cause an apocalypse of change. You will feel guilty. But really, this is more about who YOU want to be in relation to the situation. How can you criticise your friend for having no balls, if you don't have the balls to expose his deceitfulness? People may say it's not your business, but it is your business. You're in this social construct. Now that you know, you have a choice to make. To my mind, it's a crime by omission to say nothing.

99% of everyone would keep their mouth shut for an easy life. And 99% of people would point the finger at YOU for telling, instead of looking at their own actions which are the real cause of whatever the aftermath is. Truth is, no one likes having the dodgy dynamics of their social pecking order exposed by a third party. It's so much easier to blame the third party than to re evaluate 'well why was I doing those things in the first place?'

I've been the third party on a few occasions in my life. I exposed a cheating classmate in college, I just couldn't bear the wilful ignorance of everyone else who knew about it, and did nothing. I didn't want to be just another superficial person bowing down to this rather shallow concept of 'it's none of my business, wah.' How convenient. Because if it WAS your business, then you'd be compelled to do something you otherwise wouldn't want to do, because it takes guts and threatens your own position on the Godly social hierarchy, and God forbid we should lose a few friends over it. I'm sure, were it your business, you'd jump to action, yes! But because you can slather on this empty defence of 'it's not my business', I suppose you need not take any brave action today. It doesn't make you a coward interested only in protecting your own social interests, oh no.

Much more recently, I went on three dates with a married man, found out he was married, confronted him and informed his wife. Now, I did like him up until that point. And the generic majority will say that this is a much more sensical case, due to my proximity - that it's much more understandable why I would tell. Proximity doesn't matter much to me though; if you're an acquaintance to me, or above, and I find out you're cheating, I will take action on it. As if the depth of my relationship with you changes the principles involved. 'You just shot that man! But since you're only my next door neighbour, I guess I won't tell anyone. Biddly bing.'

So I've kind of been in the 29 year old's position in that at some point, she would've found out, and she would've had the same decision to make as I did. And I can tell you, having reached that threshold, and as controversial as this may be to say out loud - you have to have some real low self esteem issue to go with a married guy. Knowing that he goes back to his wife every day, sleeps next to a different woman. Dang.

Aaaand finally most recently, my now-ex-boyfriend (not for this reason) had a friend who was sending him pictures of other girls he's met who he'd like to get with, when his friend has a gf and they live together. Fantastic. In that case, the friend had not yet cheated, but I felt so sorry for the girl, not knowing that whilst she's busy arranging a surprise birthday party for her man (which she was), he was sending my boyfriend pictures of other women he knows in real life, like, what a teenager. What a loser. My boyfriend admitted it was wrong but applied a 'what can you do? Not our business' glaze, but I thought it was really awful and I think it was my business for two reasons: firstly that pictures were being sent to MY boyfriend's phone and I saw them, so, my business - and secondly, that he expected me to meet the girl at some point (I'd met the guy once) and what, pretend I didn't know anything? Be all nice to her and superficial to the tone of 'hey hiyaaaaa how ya dooo-win, ohhh, you live with your bf wow that's so keeeeewl he sends pictures of other women he wants to screw to my boyfriend woooow and you have a dooog toooooo wooooow'.

To hell with that! So I found her on FB and told her. It got archived. My bf intervened by messaging her, the contents I do not know, but the purpose was to neutralise my message, so I imagine it's something along the lines of 'if you get a message from tarantula... ignore it, she didn't know what she was saying, she was drunk' or whatever. Obviously my respect for boyfriend took a massive beating at that point.

Having said all that....

I can sympathise that I am absolutely at one end of a spectrum here, with my views. And my methods are perhaps a bit too drastic. In hindsight, whilst ultimately doing the same things, I would take 'amber' action first, by confronting the cheating parties rather than going direct to the partners. So I think that's what you should do. You tell your friend what you really think about what he's doing, and give him a time frame in which to come clean to his wife, or you will.

Definitely you will lose this friend. He ain't gonna come around months down the line saying 'you know what? I didn't like what you did there, but I RESPECTED you for having your principles and sticking to them. It's nice to know there are some genuine people out there, and now I know that if she'd ever cheated on me, and you knew... you had my back.'

If he was the kinda guy to appreciate real character, he wouldn't be cheating in the first place. All he'll do is blame you and accuse you of trying to ruin his life and get paranoid and accusatory in general, a bit like MrConfused gave you a flavour of.

Confront him, and if he doesn't play ball, tell his wife the facts directly. Don't add your opinion as to what she should do about it, as that is for her to decide and not for you to judge, as it depends on many factors to do with their relationship. Your job is to simply make her aware of the facts, and that's it.
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Re: Life changing decision **affair

Postby David020549 » Sun Sep 20, 2015 7:03 am

When I was young and foolish I was too honest and voiced my opinion regarding various wrong doings and upset quite a few friends in the process. Now I restrict any comments to cautioning them of the consequences and leave it at that which usually has the intended effect without upset. That is not cowardice, it is social interaction and diplomacy, if we all said exactly what we really thought nobody would ever form a relationship that lasted more than a few days.
Nobody likes a "whistle blower" you might enjoy claiming the moral high ground but your friends distance you, are branded a trouble maker, passed over for promotion and made redundant at the next reorganization. There are of course seriously illegal activity that does justify intervention but in my opinion adultery is not one of them.
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Re: Life changing decision **affair

Postby Tarantula » Sun Sep 20, 2015 6:53 pm

Yeah David I agree; the social hierarchy has spoken, and we must all dance to its tune in order to protect our own interests.

It's true what they say. 'If you're afraid of being lonely, don't try to be right'.
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