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He still communicates with the girl he cheated on me with

PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2015 12:59 pm
by cocacola123

Could really do with some advice/reassurance...

Quick back reference: BF of 7 years. He cheated on me 2 yrs ago with a colleague. We split up. We even sold our house. 18 months later I finally caved in to his begging for me back - he gave me the space i needed and i found myself back in his arms.

We have now been together again for 6 months. He has told family/friends etc that we're back together, i've been to family weddings and events, and he talks about the future.

I recently looked at his phone. I've never done this and i hate myself for doing it. I knew what I was looking for and I found it instantly. I found messages to the girl he cheated on me with. They chat about work/meetings they've had/colleagues but they text each other daily and reference when they are next going to chat on the phone. it's definitely a lovely friendship ](*,)

I confronted him about it recently and he told me he would delete her number. I looked at his phone again this morning and the chats are still going (albeit having being deleted but still in the archive section!) They were chatting yesterday.
I even found an email that insinuated they had had one final night together a few months ago. Does the fact that it was their 'final time together' make it any better?!?

How do I confront him?
What questions do I need to ask?
Has our relationship got to be over or what do we need to do to get it back on track?

You've got to remember that I know the above is terrible but it's just a small tiny jelly moment in our relationship which is otherwise great. We travel the world together, we have similar hopes and dreams, we have the best time together, we can see what the other is thinking. We care about each other deeply. I don't want to lose him, but part of me thinks that i'm losing a part of myself by staying...what a waste of time and love and life. I can honestly see my future with this guy but I can't continue like this! It's not the person I want to be...

Re: He still communicates with the girl he cheated on me wit

PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2015 2:12 pm
by Mrconfused74
As he's cheated before there will always be that nagging in the back of your mind that he will do it again. And that can be the hardest thing to overcome in a relationship. Now if this colleague no longer worked with him and he was messaging I'd be more worried, but it's possible that they are just friends, yes he slept with her but you can still be friends. The first red flag would be that he said he wouldn't talk to her anymore, but clearly is. Second the email insinuating one last fling? Who made it and what was the reaction? Jealousy, insecurity and paranoia are a bad combination for any relationship, and if it gets worse the chances are it will break down anyway.
You could ask him outright if he's stopped communicating with her, and see how he reacts, is this your only concern that he may be cheating? Or are there other signs? Has he told you why he cheated before? Sometimes if there is no closure on it, it can stay with you a long time, and as good as you are together you'll always be worrying if he'll do it again. And if he does somewhere along the way you'll be saying to yourself, why didn't I just walk away?

Re: He still communicates with the girl he cheated on me wit

PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2015 3:06 pm
by snail
Given that you took him back after he cheated on you with her, I wouldn't expect him to be having anything to do with her. I certainly wouldn't expect him to be communicating with her on a daily basis... surely he should be thanking his lucky stars you agreed to give it another go, and avoiding her as much as possible so as not to push his luck.

And they are still talking about their sexual encounters, so it wasn't just 2 years ago, it was more recent and it's still on their minds? And he's told you he deleted her number, but that wasn't true - so he's still prepared to lie to you about her? This really doesn't look good.

Given that the rest of the relationship is so good, it is worth trying to save it but I would say, no further contact with her of any kind. If she's a colleague, then he hands his notice in and starts looking for another job - right now. He owes you that and it's reasonable to ask it.

Re: He still communicates with the girl he cheated on me wit

PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2015 3:35 pm
by Bel Bel
I completely agree with Snail on every point

Re: He still communicates with the girl he cheated on me wit

PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2015 4:14 pm
by Mrconfused74
I'm sorry but asking someone to resign from there job is not reasonable, you have no idea how long he has been there, how much he earns, bonuses etc, yet you'd expect him to walk away from it all. As well as the fact that he would need to find another job!!! If he's serious about the OP then he should be able to have a professional relationship with this girl, do they work together in an office or just the same building? There's a big difference,not to mention the strain it could put on an already fragile situation.

Re: He still communicates with the girl he cheated on me wit

PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2015 4:27 pm
by cocacola123
Thank you both for your comments. I really do appreciate it.

To me the fact they slept together again – well, this should be a deal breaker that the relationship is over, but it isn't for some odd reason!! Perhaps because of it being one last time…. Rather than jealousy my main feelings are that it just feels so unfair that he felt they had a right to have one last night together. After everything we went through, and how it visibly tore me up the first time. It’s a pretty damning line in the email:
**I don't think we've ever been as bad in public as we were the other week at the hotel, I suppose it was due to us not having had sex together for a long time and the thought of us not doing it again**

This was months ago but the idea that still chat constantly on text makes me think the thought of them actually doing it again still looms large, if it hasn’t been realised already that is. Just without my knowledge.
I can't ask him to resign. They don’t work immediately together - no. Same bldg, different floor. He’s told me he has very little to do with her at work. But that just makes the fact they text all the time all the more personal I suppose.

He has actually been looking for other work. Not a coincidence I feel. It’s almost as if he wants life to throw him the excuse he needs to end it but whilst she’s still around he can’t help himself…he can’t take any responsibility himself. There’s always something (depression / us living apart / his work / my work) to blame.

Re: He still communicates with the girl he cheated on me wit

PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2015 5:26 pm
by miaow
He only has himself to blame for the affair regardless of what was/is going on in his life. He had a choice and he made the wrong decision. You separated which is fair enough and whilst he was then single he could do what he wanted with whomever he liked. But....and its a big but, now you are back together you have to be his main priority, not some friendship with the girl he cheated on you with.

I agree with others about him lying about cutting contact with her is ringing alarm bells. I don't see how your relationship will ever work whilst she is still in the picture.

What is it he wants? He doesn't want her otherwise he'd of got into a relationship with her In the 18 mths he was single. He seems to want you but he also wants the attention of this other girl - why? To boost his ego? He can't have his cake and eat it.

Re: He still communicates with the girl he cheated on me wit

PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2015 5:37 pm
by cocacola123
You're absolutely right.
I'm going to chat it through with him and just be 100% honest about what I know. Ask him why he's doing it and tell him it has to stop for us to move forward. If he can't see that then there's no hope and we'll leave it be. Maybe he's finding excuses for his behaviour because I've never sat there and spelt out what I will and will not tolerate. I suppose I didn't think I had to. But by not doing so, he just has an excuse to behave like this and then feign innocence at his understanding of what's 'acceptable behaviour'
We're meeting up now actually - it never feels like the right place/right time does it!? Maybe a beer will give me the confidence I need! These posts have definitely helped. Thank you.