Page 1 of 1

Help me understand this man

PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2015 1:15 pm
by 1972wombat
Hi this is my first post here but I'm looking for people's opinions on my situation with the ex.
We met originally 20 years ago when we both started a job together. We didn't see one another for over 18 years however added one another on Facebook quite a few years ago. One day out the blue he contacted me on Facebook message asking if I'd like to go out for a catch up.. I was a little guarded at first as although we weren't enemies we had never really hung out before, however after some coaxing he persuaded me and we went on a date, it was fantastic, the drink and conversation flowed and we both agreed it was a success and he was asking me at end of date when he could see me again.. We would see each other about 3-4 times a week.. Things progressed and he told me quite quickly he had fallen for me completely. He started talking about the future, holidays etc.. About 3 months into the relationship we had gone out one Sunday evening and everything was fine, I dropped him home and then for a week he ignored my text and phone calls, I was at a loss as to why, I popped to his house a week later ( he lives with his mother due to her being elderly and frail) to see what was up. It's worth me mentioning here he has a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol (he can't get thru a day without a drink.. Anyway I went to his mothers and she said he's off the drink it's making him ill so going cold turkey he pulls back from everything but she would ensure he called me. Well I heard nothing, on driving past his local pub I saw him there so decided to go in. He was livid, very controlled but extremely enraged asking in not a nice way what was I doing there, I said I deserve answers, you don't answer my calls or texts or tell me what is going on so I bit the bullet and decided to seek the answer myself, he didn't give me q reply to why but said he would contact me in a couple
Of days and to be fair he did..
We met up two days later to talk in a pub. He said he had just needed space for what ever reason. I'm an accepting person so I didn't question. Things became ok again, we had a lovely Christmas and new year.. Then in the February he went on a drinking bender, it's worth mentioning here he walked out his job in the December so had lots of time on his hands.. Anyway his mother who is in her 80s got sick of the drinking to excess whereby he would get so drunk he couldn't speak and then end up laying in bed till after midday, so one night when I dropped him off she flipped the next morning and told him to get out, he phoned me from the pub asking would I collect him and could he stay at my house, of course I agreed and went to pick him up.. He stayed for 5 days before going home with tail between legs and I must admit it was nice having him over.. When he went back he went quiet again but things were ok.. He wasn't applying for jobs but he was renovating his mothers house. I was off sick in February due to an operation so I helped out by walking his dog whilst he painted etc, helped him with decorating on a daily basis for about 3 weeks.. All was great, we went away for weekend where I paid ( I have never had any issue paying as saw him as my future and knew he would get work as he's bright and intelligent.. Things rolled along then in April again his mum kicked him out and he stayed 10 days, all was good with us. Then in May one night he got very drunk midweek , I was driving and getting back to his house he blurted out it was over got out car slamming door and stomping to his house.. I was shell shocked no idea what had happened or what has gone on, he wouldn't talk to me wouldn't give any indication of why.. I'm the kind of person I need reason to process things but I wasn't getting any... Two weeks I heard nothing then one night he starts texting me. I have to say here when I met him 20 years ago I was very slim and 20 years later time and childbirth have caused me to put on weight.. He's very slim with a little pot belly. He said to me he has problem with my weight, that he's never been out with someone overweight that he doesn't like it. I was like " wow" it's taken you 9 months to decide this, I was same size as I was when I'd started relationship the year before.. My confidence as it is is Rocky due to my weight gain and I've suffered from depression on and off for 15 years..
We continued to see one another but in his words not as a couple, I craved the closeness so I suggested we still sleep with one another. Every time we were out the jibes about weight were mentioned by him, him pointing out fit young girls to me and making me feel like I was worthless. I asked him to stop but he said it was just banter. Due to my low state I couldn't walk away. I continued to see him couple times a week and he would stay on a Saturday night, I paid for nights out etc and helped him out with bills, he never asked me for money and groaned all the time that he felt a free loader. I know I'm foolish to continue this but emotional attachment and low self worth stop me from leaving the relationship or what ever it is. Last night after a couple of drinks he tells me that I'm making him miserable as I caused the problems with his friends, I haven't at all his inability to take banter from them did and it was his choice to stay clear of them.. I'm trying to understand this guys mind set as he makes me feel so guilty when I know I shouldn't as I've not done anything wrong except love him

Re: Help me understand this man

PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2015 5:50 pm
by Mrconfused74
It does seem as if your doing all the chasing here, after his initial contact it's all been you, that's not how a relationship should be. Obviously his drinking is an issue if his own mum has kicked him out over it, and is something that needs to be resolved regardless of if you stay with him. men need to find faults in things when in fact it's our own failings that are the real issue. So his comments about your weight could come from the fact he does really like you but his drinking and behaviours are getting in the way. Like you said he was attracted to you at the start, so why not now? As hard as it may be you need to back off, let him come to you if he wants, but if he does tell him he needs to change or you will walk away for good. As for your self asteem! He fancied you before and I'm guessing still does, so you are attractive, I'm sure plenty of other guys find you attractive too, and you seem like a lovely lady. We all feel unattractive or gown about our looks at some time in our life. I've been there, thinking I'd never find anyone, but I do get looks, I get flirted with and it makes me feel good. You just need to be yourself, no one can tell you what to do in this situation, only advise. So mine would be let him come to you, tell him he needs to change otherwise it's over. There are guys out there that would love a girl that seems as caring and loving as you, so don't feel as if this guy is your only choice.

Re: Help me understand this man

PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2015 5:50 pm
by snail
It sounds as though he played on your insecurities by flattering you to draw you in, and then treated you progressively worse and worse as time went by and you showed that you would put up with it.

It's obvious what he gets from this - he gets financial help, nights out and holidays paid for, somewhere to stay every time his mother kicks him out, company when he wants it, sex, someone to blame for his problems, to take his bad moods and low self esteem out on etc etc but it's difficult to see what you get from this. He really sounds as though he has nothing to recommend him as a partner.

His behaviour is about him and his own problems, not what you have or haven't done. Your post makes it clear you are lonely, but why are you putting up with this? Do you believe you won't get anyone else or don't deserve anyone else? I don't think that is true. This relationship has been absolutely appalling and it isn't even a year old. It is not realistically going to get better. End it with him and join a dating site - there are lots of other 40-something men out there.

Re: Help me understand this man

PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2015 6:02 pm
by 1972wombat
I completely agree with you on all the above however I feel so weak and pathetic I can't face letting it go at minute, all my friends tell me to get as far from him as possible. He projects his hatred of himself on me, what I haven't said is his longest relationship is 3 years and non of his ex's speak to him including his ex wife who has a child to him., I want to shake myself to get some sense into me as I feel I'm a martyr, if any of my friends were going thru this id tell them to run away from him. From the things he says that don't make sense I think he has mental health issues.

Re: Help me understand this man

PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2015 6:53 pm
by snail
I would think you're right about the mental health issues but he has to sort these out himself.

If you have children, could you replace some of the comfort and company you get from this relationship by scheduling much more time with your family? Maybe someone could come to stay? In terms of replacing the excitement you get from it, just putting a profile up on a dating site - even if you aren't that serious about it at the moment - looking at pictures and being contacted by men can really help with that aspect.

Re: Help me understand this man

PostPosted: Mon Sep 28, 2015 1:15 pm
by Tarantula
In an ideal world, you'd stop spending valuable time and energy trying to understand him and instead point that effort towards understanding YOURSELF and the real reasons you're prepared to settle for scraps.

Have you heard of CoDA? Look into it, it's a support programme for people who become partners of addicts, whose relationships are chaotic and characterised by high drama, crushing lows, the world being reduced to the relationship and a compulsion towards staying and investing more rather than letting go when deep down you know it's way overdue.

Re: Help me understand this man

PostPosted: Mon Sep 28, 2015 9:43 pm
by retrochav
Try reading your post again, imaging it was a dear friend. How would you see things?

You have to be your own best friend sometimes. You seem to stand by this man, almost out of a fear that being alone would be so much worse than standing by him. It is clear that, try as you might you can't turn this man around - only he could do that, and it doesn't seem that he really wants to.

If you do the same thing with this guy (offer support, take the "banter" etc) you will get the same results time and time again. It could even be that you leaving could be the wake up call to make him pull himself together, but that isn't your responsibility.

You can continue as you are, aware of the future being much the same as the present, which some people find a comfort zone, however bleak. Or you can build the foundations of a better life by taking the pain for gain in walking away.

I wish you luck in whatever choice you make.