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Feel like I'm being used

PostPosted: Sun Oct 04, 2015 4:51 pm
by tess1901
Hi, this is my first time on these pages. I've been in a relationship with a man for almost 3 years. It started out as an affair at the very end of what was a disastrous and abusive marriage. I'd know this man for a while and he'd confided in me about previous relationships - affairs, deceit etc. I have a feeling that he was still involved with his previous partner for the first year we were together. By involved I mean he was in contact with her and was trying to rekindle the relationship. He has denied this. I suspect he also has a drink problem but he can still hold down a job etc. We've broke up a few times - when I've basically reached the end of my tether and flipped. I don't like confrontation and he's quite dominant so if I have issues they tend to fester. What I've noticed about him a lot is that his stories get mixed up when he's retelling them. I don't know if he has memory issues or just tells lies - maybe it's a bit of both. Despite this he's attentive and very vocal in telling me how much he loves me and talking about our future together. I was actually starting to trust him when a friend told me about a conversation he'd had with him. Despite talking about marriage, me moving in with him etc he told this friend that he liked his own company and that we worked as a couple because we had separate houses. I'm sensible enough to know that I'm not sure enough about this relationship to proceed to living together etc so my issue isn't with what he said. It's more to do with what he's telling me and what he's telling other people. When I confronted him he implied my friend was lying. I don't believe this. There are probably lots of benefits to him being in a relationship with me in lots of areas but I feel like I'm being played and if I'm honest, I always have. We had a row where I brought this up and I left. He's now accusing me of being really hurtful to him and told me to raise the issue with my friend. I'm hurt, confused, wondering if I'm on the right track here or just extremely paranoid. If anyone has any advice, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks

Re: Feel like I'm being used

PostPosted: Mon Oct 05, 2015 11:58 am
by miaow
Two things that stand out from what you've said is that your are unhappy in this relationship and there is a massive trust issue.

You have to go with your gut feeling, if you think he is lying and the relationship is going nowhere there is little to stay for.

I don't know if he is lying or not, but a common trait of a liar is they eventually get their stories muddled up and the dots don't connect together. Lies always come out in the end.

Having your own homes is fine as long as you are both happy with this. living by himself does give him opportunity to do what he wants when he wants and with whom he wants I suppose as you are not always around. If he has benefits of you as a girkfriend but none of the commitment of living together he has got it pretty good!!

Re: Feel like I'm being used

PostPosted: Mon Oct 05, 2015 12:01 pm
by Bel Bel
ask them both when they are together, they will find it difficult to outright lie in front of each other

However I really don't know why you want to be in a relationship with someone who makes you feel paranoid and constantly moves the goal posts on you

Re: Feel like I'm being used

PostPosted: Tue Oct 06, 2015 10:35 am
by tess1901
Thank you both for your thoughts. What you're saying rings true. It's finding the courage now to walk. Thank you again.

Re: Feel like I'm being used

PostPosted: Tue Oct 06, 2015 11:29 am
by snail
Leaving aside the quality of the relationship with you, a person who has a drink problem, and who has a past involving affairs and deceit, is a worrying partner to have. (Even if it wasn't them having the affairs, it still shows bad relationships or bad choices).

This thing about the actual relationship being unfulfilling or unhappy but him being very vocal about loving you and talking about your future together, is also worrying. That isn't how most normal people feel - they don't talk about that sort of thing happening if everything isn't rosy. So that suggests it isn't truthful and is a strategy. I have noticed this with one or two of my partners - just when they know they have behaved especially badly and you are really unhappy with them, they make a comment about your future together, marriage or moving in, how much they love you, or what you'll be doing in 20 years' time - it's a way of counteracting your thoughts about leaving by reminding you that this is a 'serious' relationship and you would be throwing that all away - women are particularly susceptible to that. One of my partners even did this - talking about what we would be doing together when we were old and grey - while, it turned out, he was cheating on me and making plans to move in with someone else. It was just manipulation to keep me onside when he needed it.