Take action or hang tight?

[Nomad]

I feel like I keep getting confused over male friends, and then changing my mind. But here I am again with a new situation and know I mustn't ruminate over it, yet part of me wants to. To enjoy it, if you know what I mean. Plus I feel writing it down may help me think it through. So bear with me.

I know the answer really - if there is any question, then leave the thing alone. The last time it happened, it worked itself out... I got all keen on a male friend, deliberately spent more time with him and nature took its course - ie when we went on a holiday with our mutual friends, I discovered we were not compatible, and I was able to finally drop it. The feelings dropped away and I no longer organised to see him at every possible occasion. (Although i had taken some action before this, in the form of getting a friend to dig a bit. Ultimately the feeling wasn't mutual and that helped me get over it).

But now I am noticing a different friend. A much closer friend in fact. Well that is to say I've only known him 18 months but he was one of those people in life you occasionally have the luck/joy of meeting (be it guy or girl) and you instantly hit it off like you have always known them. In fact in this case I remember seeing him and thinking 'I just know i will get on with that person' - turns out we did have lots in common and get on like a house on fire. I love his company. After we met we hung out a bit for the odd meal or drink, every month or so. It never felt like a date, at least i didnt get the impression that was the intention (we are late 30s and early 40s so you tend not to beat about the bush at this age!), so I didn't really think about. Plus I was just out of a relationship. Plus I am blind to when guys like me. Plus he is so far from the sort of person I would normally go for that I maybe subconsciously dismissed the idea.

Anyhow - we hung out a bit, and were in touch by email (quite a lot as it turns out - I just re-read the emails - it is actually clear he was perhaps keen, I think anyway, also very clear how well we get on, and how much I am 'me' in my messages). One time we met up, I cried (some serious sh*t with ill parent) in front of him, and remember thinking - wow, i would never normally be comfortable with crying in front of people. That meant a lot.

Then winter came. I get a bit blue, as does he at that time of year, and I was struggling with my depression a bit, he got an injury that kept him in. I also wasn't sure where my life was going. Late autumn and a friend of mine met him when we all went for drinks and suggested that he was keen (at that time i hadn't considered the idea) and I got worried I was leading him on. The next time we met he bought me dinner (normally we split it) and I decided, with my bad head space, that I would go quiet.

I remember saying to my best mate back then, when we were chatting about guys, 'shame I don't fancy (lets call him Jim) Jim, I love hanging out with him'.

So I wasn't in touch for a few months, then an event came up that i knew 'Jim' would also love and that we had talked about going to together, so I dropped him a line. It was, as always, awesome to hang out. I remember thinking - 'get over yourself, he is an adult so if my friend was right and he does like me, he can protect himself - I want to hang out'. So we sort of re-started the meet ups every month or so, food or a drink. Then it started to be more just with other friends rather than just one on one.

Meanwhile, I had a small re-kindling with an old old flame that I thought was going to go somewhere. So this undoubtedly distracted me too. Then I started some very serious and heavy therapy. this has been emotionally exhausting.

Summer has been frantic, busy, a whirlwind. Towards the end of summer circumstances meant that we (me and 'jim') had more contact. To do with work. And for some reason, at some point in those last few months. I have had this shift. I was mentioning him a lot one weekend and my best mate said 'so what's the problem...?!!' - it kind of snapped me into attention. This was a very good question!! Since then, plus having more contact, I have had the idea on my mind.

But now if I take a look at us, and where our friendship is, I am really worried that I have entered the 'friend zone' - and who can blame him. If he was ever keen on me he must have long since given up. Perhaps he never made any kind of move becasue of confidence. But there is this warm fuzzy place in me that feels like if we were on the same page here, then it could be something quite terrifyingly wonderful.

The thing is. How do I know? I don't want to ruin what has become a really good friendship (I probably value his company more than most of the people I know, and I a lucky that i have a lot of friends) by taking a risk and a punt. But at the same time, if I sit back and hope that he will somehow miraculously notice my newly discovered interest, he may continue to put me further into the friend category and I will have to painfully watch as he meets someone else.

And a tiny part of me is petrified due to my history. I get all keen on someone, and fancy them. Then after a short while, when all the hormones run out, I completely loose my mojo. As Jim is not someone I would have been naturally drawn to (although i think he is attractive), not my 'type' shall we say, what if he does like me, what if I am brave enough to let him know how I feel, what if we do dip our toes in and see if this is something... and then it's not. What a gamble!

So do I A) just sit back and hope that he will notice my shift, that he will eventually take action. Or B) do I take more action? Do I ask him 'out' - ie do something obvious like an evening meal and make a thing of it - like say "do you fancy going 'out' sometime". Eeek, dont think i have the balls for that. Dont know how you men do it! Or failing that do I try and get him to a party and get my friend to quiz him? "My friend fancies you" - ha ha, hilarious, like high school.

Oh boy. Perhaps I go for option C) find god and become a nun or perhaps D) just keep working on myself with my therapist and life will miraculously come to me - urgh.

Thanks folks out there. You deserve a medal if you managed to wade through that lot!!
x

[thewildchild]

I wouldn't worry so much about these things. Go on a night out together with some friends, get a little tipsy and see what happens. If you want something to happen and he does too, then it can. Don't always have to be so concerned about 'what happens next', just enjoy the ride.

[Mrconfused74]

Bit more info on this one, but it's difficult to say, yes you could wait and see what happens, maybe flirt a bit, but it's a difficult one as you know, do you try and take the next step but risk losing a very good friend, but on the other hand you may find a very good partner! It's a horrible place to be sometimes.

[Nomad]

Thanks Mr Confused as always! You know all too well. The old risking friendship thing, although this is a little different from yours as we are both out of relationships.

And thanks wild child. That is how I used to deal with relationships when I was 21! (neither of us really drink much any more). I would love to have that carefree approach, but have had too many rollercoster rides over the years and you get a bit cautious after so many rough ones. I genuinely do care about 'what happens next' becasue if I judge it wrong it changes our bond - which is really valuable.

We'll see. Not much I can do other than be open to it (which i clearly wasn't a year ago). Today in a text he told me he had bumped into an old girlfriend who was the same as 25 years ago and they were going to 'catch up' - not what i wanted to hear. Perhaps I have missed the boat.

[Mrconfused74]

I guess if she wasn't in a relationship, then there wouldn't be anything stopping her letting me know how she feels, but life is never as easy as that!!
I wouldn't feel down about him meeting his ex, they may well have parted on good terms and so just be friends, he may just be curious as to why she's text? Sometimes we have to just put our feelings on the line and risk the hurt for the chance that it could be the best decision you've ever made. Like you say it's tough. I sometimes think these situations are meant to test us, don't lose hope, after all that's all some of us have.

[thewildchild]

Hmm, the text about 'bumping into an ex' could be some coy ploy to see how much you care about him. Like...to make you jealous and throw yourself at him. Not certain, but def possible.

[Nomad]

Ha ha! Do you know, my best mate said the same as you wildchild. That he might be hoping for a response. Well he was spot on if he did, but I just can't see him doing something like that. It's not his style at all. We regularly tell each other what we have been up to so he was just being 'newsy'. I wonder if he has long since given up on me anyway. But actually as a result of that news I asked if he wanted to go for dinner before a film club we are going to next week, and he didn't hesitate to say yes. In fact he didn't even say yes, he went straight for 'where'! But it's not that much of a sign as we have been meeting up for meals and drinks since we met. But I am pleased to be spending the time with him.

I'm so petrified really. Part of me is seriously excited about the chance of us finally aligning somehow. But another part of me is scared that I'm just caught up in the idea of it and actually its just my good old hormones messing me about again.

It sounds weird, but of all people in the mad history of my life, I don't want him to be subject to my craziness. He means a lot.

Anyway, I'll keep trying to make occasions to hang out, try to stop thinking about what is or isn't and let life happen in which ever direction it chooses to go.

[Mrconfused74]

Think I'm going to take your last sentence and apply it to my situation. And trust me if he was keen enough to just say where, then he sounds keen to me! Trust me if it was me I'd be saying the same thing.

[Nomad]

Good idea Mr C. One of my favourite expressions/sayings is 'Let Life Happen' - some days it is so hard to sit back and listen to that, or to let go and make the space for it, but it sure makes sense. After all, we're not in charge are we. I really appreciate being able to come on here and waffle about it all though, thanks for chatting.

I know I make it sound like he is keen, but we often meet up to do stuff and he has other platonic female friends that he does the same with (I've met one of them) - and he always puts a focus on the food and enjoying eating out. So I don't think the keenness is me, I think its the opportunity to go out. But I hope he notices my shift in feelings.

Keep in touch and hope you get some more coffee meet ups

[Mrconfused74]

It's good to talk about it, more so with strangers as they are honest as they don't need to take into account your feelings. I'm hoping for more coffee meets. Must admit she's not making it easy came over today looking rather hot, and chatted for a while. Even though all she was doing is the school run she looked great, then when she got out the car is was like she was saying look at me!! Or was that just my head?
I'm sure he is keen if it was just the food I'm sure he'd have said yes, not where? My friend has at least one other male friend that goes round but I'm sure he's met her partner, whereas I haven't, she has told him I go round and he doesn't seem bothered at all, I think I'd be a little concerned. Perhaps you need to see how he is around his female friends and compare how he is with just you? Could be a good gauge of how things are. I'll certainly keep in touch, you've been a great help x