I feel like I keep getting confused over male friends, and then changing my mind. But here I am again with a new situation and know I mustn't ruminate over it, yet part of me wants to. To enjoy it, if you know what I mean. Plus I feel writing it down may help me think it through. So bear with me.
I know the answer really - if there is any question, then leave the thing alone. The last time it happened, it worked itself out... I got all keen on a male friend, deliberately spent more time with him and nature took its course - ie when we went on a holiday with our mutual friends, I discovered we were not compatible, and I was able to finally drop it. The feelings dropped away and I no longer organised to see him at every possible occasion. (Although i had taken some action before this, in the form of getting a friend to dig a bit. Ultimately the feeling wasn't mutual and that helped me get over it).
But now I am noticing a different friend. A much closer friend in fact. Well that is to say I've only known him 18 months but he was one of those people in life you occasionally have the luck/joy of meeting (be it guy or girl) and you instantly hit it off like you have always known them. In fact in this case I remember seeing him and thinking 'I just know i will get on with that person' - turns out we did have lots in common and get on like a house on fire. I love his company. After we met we hung out a bit for the odd meal or drink, every month or so. It never felt like a date, at least i didnt get the impression that was the intention (we are late 30s and early 40s so you tend not to beat about the bush at this age!), so I didn't really think about. Plus I was just out of a relationship. Plus I am blind to when guys like me. Plus he is so far from the sort of person I would normally go for that I maybe subconsciously dismissed the idea.
Anyhow - we hung out a bit, and were in touch by email (quite a lot as it turns out - I just re-read the emails - it is actually clear he was perhaps keen, I think anyway, also very clear how well we get on, and how much I am 'me' in my messages). One time we met up, I cried (some serious sh*t with ill parent) in front of him, and remember thinking - wow, i would never normally be comfortable with crying in front of people. That meant a lot.
Then winter came. I get a bit blue, as does he at that time of year, and I was struggling with my depression a bit, he got an injury that kept him in. I also wasn't sure where my life was going. Late autumn and a friend of mine met him when we all went for drinks and suggested that he was keen (at that time i hadn't considered the idea) and I got worried I was leading him on. The next time we met he bought me dinner (normally we split it) and I decided, with my bad head space, that I would go quiet.
I remember saying to my best mate back then, when we were chatting about guys, 'shame I don't fancy (lets call him Jim) Jim, I love hanging out with him'.
So I wasn't in touch for a few months, then an event came up that i knew 'Jim' would also love and that we had talked about going to together, so I dropped him a line. It was, as always, awesome to hang out. I remember thinking - 'get over yourself, he is an adult so if my friend was right and he does like me, he can protect himself - I want to hang out'. So we sort of re-started the meet ups every month or so, food or a drink. Then it started to be more just with other friends rather than just one on one.
Meanwhile, I had a small re-kindling with an old old flame that I thought was going to go somewhere. So this undoubtedly distracted me too. Then I started some very serious and heavy therapy. this has been emotionally exhausting.
Summer has been frantic, busy, a whirlwind. Towards the end of summer circumstances meant that we (me and 'jim') had more contact. To do with work. And for some reason, at some point in those last few months. I have had this shift. I was mentioning him a lot one weekend and my best mate said 'so what's the problem...?!!' - it kind of snapped me into attention. This was a very good question!! Since then, plus having more contact, I have had the idea on my mind.
But now if I take a look at us, and where our friendship is, I am really worried that I have entered the 'friend zone' - and who can blame him. If he was ever keen on me he must have long since given up. Perhaps he never made any kind of move becasue of confidence. But there is this warm fuzzy place in me that feels like if we were on the same page here, then it could be something quite terrifyingly wonderful.
The thing is. How do I know? I don't want to ruin what has become a really good friendship (I probably value his company more than most of the people I know, and I a lucky that i have a lot of friends) by taking a risk and a punt. But at the same time, if I sit back and hope that he will somehow miraculously notice my newly discovered interest, he may continue to put me further into the friend category and I will have to painfully watch as he meets someone else.
And a tiny part of me is petrified due to my history. I get all keen on someone, and fancy them. Then after a short while, when all the hormones run out, I completely loose my mojo. As Jim is not someone I would have been naturally drawn to (although i think he is attractive), not my 'type' shall we say, what if he does like me, what if I am brave enough to let him know how I feel, what if we do dip our toes in and see if this is something... and then it's not. What a gamble!
So do I A) just sit back and hope that he will notice my shift, that he will eventually take action. Or B) do I take more action? Do I ask him 'out' - ie do something obvious like an evening meal and make a thing of it - like say "do you fancy going 'out' sometime". Eeek, dont think i have the balls for that. Dont know how you men do it! Or failing that do I try and get him to a party and get my friend to quiz him? "My friend fancies you" - ha ha, hilarious, like high school.
Oh boy. Perhaps I go for option C) find god and become a nun or perhaps D) just keep working on myself with my therapist and life will miraculously come to me - urgh.
Thanks folks out there. You deserve a medal if you managed to wade through that lot!!
x