Should I leave or stay?

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Should I leave or stay?

Postby Sarah6616 » Wed Oct 14, 2015 8:58 am

I've been with my boyfriend over two years and we have a fantastic relationship 99% of the time, but sometimes he snaps at me and says really hurtful things. It used to happen once a week but over the last year its become more and more frequent.

For example, I'll ask him something that I've asked him before and he shouts "I've already f***ing told you are you deaf?!".

Or the other day I was helping him carry something and he flipped and shouted "I'll f***ing carry it on my own you're so slow. You're so slow at doing everything its like watching paint dry".

And one time he shouted at me in front of his mother and sister and called me a f***ing idot.

Then straight after he's said something horrible he'll go back to normal and be nice to me again.

He has got anger problems and has really bad roadrage. Like I said everything is great the majority of the time its just when he speaks to me like that I have doubts in my mind.

I have spoken to him about it. When he shouts at me sometimes I shout back but sometimes I don't say anything because I'm in shock. I really don't know what to do. If I leave him I'll be absoulutely heartbroken, we've already spoken about marriage and children. But then I don't know if this behaviour is normal and if I'm expecting my relationship to be perfect when they're not supposed to be.
I'd be so grateful for any advice, thank you xxxx
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Re: Should I leave or stay?

Postby Mrconfused74 » Wed Oct 14, 2015 11:46 am

Firstly do not consider marriage or children until his anger has been sorted, it's a big change having children and if he is prone to sudden outburst and road rage it could affect them.
I'm not a doctor but there could be a neurological reason for this, some people get angry if s certain part of the brain gets a lot of pressure on it, so it might be something serious. Does he take drugs? Drink a lot or anything, it may be a come down from this. Or he could just purely have pent up anger from a previous relationship and things you do, which might seem trivial could be major to him. Either way it needs to be sorted, but if he doesn't accept he has a problem then you will struggle to let him be helped.
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Re: Should I leave or stay?

Postby miaow » Wed Oct 14, 2015 12:03 pm

Agree with Mrconfused, he has anger issue that need to be sorted before progressing your relationship on with him.

Is he happy in his job? Does he have any stress? Stress or unhappiness can cause people to snap, and it's usually at the people closest to them. This is no excuse however, and it wouldn't hurt to tell him you are not going to put up with it any longer.

Where is the fun in being with someone who shouts at you?

Ask him why he snaps, if he says it's you or your fault then ask him why he is with you and consider why you want to stay with someone who treats you like this. He may says it's because he is stressed with work / finance / something else, and then you can both tackle the issue in hand and try to resolve his anger.
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Re: Should I leave or stay?

Postby Minna » Wed Oct 21, 2015 2:42 pm

Hi there. Does your boyfriend shout and swear at anyone else? His mum and his friends, for example. If it only seems to be you, then it is not 'blind' rage - more likely that he knows he can get away with it with you. If it is everyone, then an anger management course is what he needs, if he agrees to it.

Whatever, shouting and swearing at you is NOT ON. What would happen if you calmly but sharply replied "Don't talk to me like that!". would he go into a sulk and not speak to you or would he realise what he had said and apologise. If you think he would sulk, then it's not so much anger management he needs, but respect for you.

You can earn his respect by sticking up for yourself and refusing to accept his rudeness. Show him that you value yourself. I know, from my own experience, that it may be hard for you to speak up, its far easier to just go with the flow, but as you become more assertive it does get easier.

Give it a try - and if he accepts that he may have anger issues too, an anger management course would be a bonus for you both.

Good luck.
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