Wife jealous of my daughter URGENT advice

For problems with girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, wives, lovers and leavers!
Forum rules
NEW USERS HAVE TO WAIT FOR THEIR FIRST POSTS TO BE APPROVED BY AN ADMINISTRATOR. Rules | Essential Information | FAQ | Support | Twitter

Wife jealous of my daughter URGENT advice

Postby nwild2015 » Thu Nov 26, 2015 4:06 pm

Hi.
Very long story cut short and could do with honest or brutal advice please.
Split from my Ex ( my daughters mother) 5 years ago
My daughter has just turned 7
Been together with my now wife and step son (10) 4.5 years
Living with my wife 3 years
Married to my wife 2.5 years

Have had my daughter every other weekend (Friday to Monday) since broke up from Ex. Also have my daughter 50% of school hols. Was never married to ex. Pay maintenance/CSA no problem every month and provide everything my daughter needs at my house too.
Went on a family holiday in August this year the 4 of us. There was a minor incident whilst away which involved my wife tapping my daughter a few times with a flip flop as my daughters behaviour was appalling and I was in the bathroom when this incident started off. We argued about what she did as I thought a bit over the top, and a few hours after my wife said she felt bad about it too.
Anyway, following returning from holiday my ex reported this to the police as my daughter had told her mom about it. Cue a 4/5 week police investigation, interviewed my wife under caution, spoke to me and my step son, and eventually closed the file due to no over-whelming concern.
Because of this incident, I didn't firstly see or speak to my daughter for 2 weeks as my ex withheld all contact (understandably I now realise). Then she lightened up a little and I was able to have my daughter for a few hours one day a weekend ( 40 miles away from where I live ) but under no circumstance was I allowed to bring my daughter to my family.
The last few weeks I have been allowed one overnight stay every couple of weeks. The lack of contact is killing me due to the love for my daughter.
My ex refuses to allow contact to go back to normal, and due to other problems from my ex over the years with threats over access for silly reasons (EG refusing to shower my daughter twice a day), I have applied to the courts for a contact order and my first hearing is in December.
That's the first part.
The second part, which is more pressing at the moment and causing me mental anguish. My wife has taken great offence that I have promised my daughter to take her ice skating before Christmas. She loves doing it, but my wife or step son are not slightly interested. My wife is saying I am a terrible step dad as I am planning doing something just me and my daughter. In all fairness to my daughter, I did notice a massive improvement in her behaviour those few weeks in August/September where it was just me and her, so maybe this is psychologically what she needs every now and again. I have also read on many parenting sites that biological parent and child need time alone together when living in a blended family. Me and my wife had not spoken for 4 days because of this ice skating problem, and when we tried to talk last night we ended up arguing and she started dragging the past up as always. I feel extremely hurt and offended that she has said I treat the kids differently and I am a bad step dad. I do more for my step son than my own daughter as I spend every day with them. My wife has basically said as good as if I want to spend any amount of time just me and my daughter when she is at mine, I can leave and do it somewhere else as she wont be treated 2nd best so the relationship would be over. The way I view it is i'm trying to please everyone, and when I get a few hours with my daughter I want her to feel loved by her daddy and make sure she goes home to her mom with happy memories. It may sound like a small problem to some, but it could break us my wife is that angry about it. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.
nwild2015
Just Landed
Just Landed
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Nov 26, 2015 3:29 pm
Gender: Male

Re: Wife jealous of my daughter URGENT advice

Postby David020549 » Fri Nov 27, 2015 8:59 am

Step parents are always in a very difficult position, there is often tension and often the child involved deliberately plays one parent against the other and the tension overflows. Your position now is that it is probably better that you choose either your wife or your daughter, continue with the present turmoil and you will probably loose both.
Only you can judge which way to go, if the relationship with your wife and stepson is still good that is probably the best option so discuss that with your wife, your ex would probably accept that change. Restrict contact to your daughter to birthdays, obviously it is a sacrifice for you but with both women pulling in opposite directions the only alternative is to go back to being single and maintain contact with your daughter regularly.
Be positive, only you can solve this, everybody has taken up rigid positions, the police have been involved, there is not going to be an easy resolution so bite the bullet and destress yourself.
David020549
Familiar Face
Familiar Face
 
Posts: 341
Joined: Thu Dec 25, 2014 7:29 am
Gender: Male

Re: Wife jealous of my daughter URGENT advice

Postby snail » Fri Nov 27, 2015 11:04 am

Your wife is behaving terribly (although no doubt all the stuff with the police investigation is affecting her somewhat). She's also being completely unreasonable. What sort of person objects to a father taking his child ice skating? You're quite right that it's generally agreed that parents in your situation need time alone with their children.

I would call your wife's bluff. She probably won't end the relationship, and will accept the situation - she may just still be angry about what happened with the flip flop and anything like this feels a little like you're siding with your ex against her. Could you plan something you do just with your step-son, to appease her a bit? As you live with him, that should be fairly easy to arrange.

If it isn't just that she is still angry about the whole police thing and she genuinely does decide to end the relationship over you spending time alone with your daughter then that's probably actually a good thing - someone that would behave like that is not a good option as a long term partner and if it wasn't this it would probably be something else. By contrast, your daughter will be a part of your life all your life.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

Najwa Zebian
User avatar
snail
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 4343
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2007 8:59 pm
Location: Your guess is as good as mine.
Gender: Female

Re: Wife jealous of my daughter URGENT advice

Postby nwild2015 » Fri Nov 27, 2015 11:33 am

Thanks for replies so far.
David - I don't think any loving father would be able to make a decision like that just to be satisfied with seeing their child on birthdays ! Or maybe some fathers could do that but I certainly could not. If my wife ever said I need to choose between them (not that she would I don't think) - I would choose my daughter i'm afraid. I brought her into this world at the end of the day.
I have been trying to juggle everybody to keep them happy for 4.5 year and was doing it very well. Every other weekend a 2.5-3 hour round trip on a Friday to pick my daughter up from school, and then the same round trip on a Monday morning to take her back to school. Half of all the school holidays, and alternating Christmas as well. But due to this incident on holiday 3/4 months ago ( something which my wife did feel bad about and knows all of this is her fault deep down ) I have had all of this taken away from me. I was forced into a position where I had to stick up for my wife to the police, whilst at the same time trying to maintain my relationship with my daughter. My wife could see how hard this was effecting me.
So now that all of that is sorted out and my wife is clear etc, I would have thought that my wife would be more supportive of allowing me the best possible relationship with my daughter. Most/all of the time it involves us all doing things as a family. But this one request from my daughter about ice skating has completely thrown my wife over the edge. I een last night when my wife was at work, discussed this with my step son and he said he thinks its a good idea I take her ice skating or do things just the two of us, and that even he cannot understand why this would upset his Mom.
When I moved over to this Town to be with my now wife, 3 years ago, I moved from a 15 minute journey to my daughters, to now this 2.5-3hour round trip. The verbal conversation we had when I moved over was that within 3 - 5 years we would look to move back my way as it is a much nicer area/village to bring a child up, and It would make my life a whole lot easier regarding my relationship with my daughter especially logistically. This agreement has also been a massive contentious issue now as she is now saying for last few months that she will never commit to moving that way. So yet again it is me making all the sacrifices and compromises.
I am lucky to work a lot of the time from home, so I pick my step son up from school 2 - 3 times a week, look after him most of all the school holidays, look after him usually every thurs & Friday night whilst my wife chooses to do a 2nd job that financially she does not even need to do. I do the things with him all 10 yr old boys like such as TV, PS4, go out on bikes, and the other week even subjected him to a Wolves football match :( so for my wife to turn rund on Wednesday and say I don't do anything for my step-son, I actually nearly cried after she said that and she was out the room.
I lost my Mom suddenly 3 years ago. I treat every day like it could me mine, or anyone's last day, so this is why I try my best to put everyone before me, but it gets me nowhere.
nwild2015
Just Landed
Just Landed
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Nov 26, 2015 3:29 pm
Gender: Male

Re: Wife jealous of my daughter URGENT advice

Postby David020549 » Fri Nov 27, 2015 4:32 pm

You have made it clear where your priorities lie, you could do as Snail suggests and give your wife an ultimatum and it might even work for a few months, however I have never found that women respond well to being told what to do directly. There is always resentment which shows itself sooner or later, the aftermath from the slipper incident shows how attitudes change back gradually over the weeks, the way you describe your wife's attitude makes her sound very selfish and unreasonable, but then some people are that way ( male or female ).
My own personal instinct is to be proactive, try to find a solution, then if there is no change forthcoming make a definite choice, may I wish you the very best of luck and hope you get a life back.
David020549
Familiar Face
Familiar Face
 
Posts: 341
Joined: Thu Dec 25, 2014 7:29 am
Gender: Male

Re: Wife jealous of my daughter URGENT advice

Postby nwild2015 » Fri Nov 27, 2015 8:52 pm

Thanks David. Your comments make sense.
nwild2015
Just Landed
Just Landed
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Nov 26, 2015 3:29 pm
Gender: Male

Re: Wife jealous of my daughter URGENT advice

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Dec 21, 2015 4:39 pm

i hope this has resolved itself but if not ask your wife to sit down and ask her to put herself in the same position with her own child
Your child is your priority every single time
She does not have the mental capacity that an adult has and need to be nurtured
I agree give your wife the ultimatum
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

Cheap Pandora Charms UK

User avatar
Bel Bel
Fully Fledged Flatmate
Fully Fledged Flatmate
 
Posts: 6758
Joined: Thu May 10, 2007 1:58 pm
Location: Hertfordshire
Gender: Female


Return to Girlfriends & Boyfriends - Husbands & Wives

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 8 guests