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Is it me??

PostPosted: Sat Dec 05, 2015 11:40 pm
by Shan21
I've been with my partner for nearly 12 years, we have a 10 year child, I have two grown up kids from my marriage and to be honest since I fell pregnant we haven't had a proper relationship.
My partner likes to have a drink but he can't handle drinking, sometimes he can be verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive. When it first began I cried and cried, I would walk about the streets in the middle of the night or go to my mums ( my dad had died a few months before I got pregnant). I found out he had a grown up child that he had never had anything to do with. He would make derogatory remarks about my kids or family, call me names and just be generally horrible. I couldn't eat, I looked awful and felt worse, I certainly wasn't glowing in my pregnancy.
I thought it might change after our child was born but it got worse. I had to cut short my maternity leave as we were struggling financially and he wouldn't use his savings although I had to use any savings I had , I had to rely on my friends and family to help me with child care, he would go the pub after work claiming he had forgot he had to pick up our child from the nursery
He withdrew from me in all aspects of normal relations, we hardly have sex, when my brother and sister passed away, he said to me "that's a shame" so no kind of support.
We moved house last year and I said let's put everything behind us and start again, at the beginning things were ok, he has more money than me so I paid the bills and he used some of his savings to do some house improvements. I never said anything about him not giving me housekeeping as he was doing the house but after it was finished I spoke to him about sorting out finances, he never really said much but went away out drinking and when he came back he was shouting about how selfish and ungrateful I was and it was his money that paid for everything and he was taking it back. I saw red and everything that had happened in the past (and believe me there's was lots, too much to write)came back to me and I punched him, slapped him and pushed him, I was so so angry. I thought I was going to have a break down, I was screaming and screaming. He left the house for a few days then came back and said things were going to change but they haven't. He still goes out, he says he works all week so he's entitled to go out when he wants ( so do I, something he seems to forget) we don't spend anytime together doing anything, we still don't hardly have sex. Last night he went out again after we had an argument about money, he had bought our child a gift for Christmas so he said that should come off my housekeeping money( he has thousands in the bank, and he only gives a 1/3 of his wages for housekeeping he spends the rest on smoking and going out) all my wages go into the house.
When he got up he was still drunk and he stared becoming argumentative, saying I was lazy, don't clean the house was nothing till I met him. I asked him to leave, I really can't cope with this I'm stressed out all the time, I have to take sleeping tablets to help me sleep. I sit in our bedroom, I can't sit in the lounge with him. If he does things with our child he throws it in my face. I'm crying as I write this I feel I'm having a breakdown with all this. He's very passive/aggressive and I think he wants to see me implode. Is it me ????

Re: Is it me??

PostPosted: Sun Dec 06, 2015 11:12 am
by snail
Reading your story, I'm wondering why you have stayed in this situation for ten years. I know you have a child together, but to be honest I think the child would be much better off without all this happening around him/her.

I assume your partner didn't really want to be a father again, and he sees the child as 'yours' rather than his, and resents everything he does for it. The fact that he has another child he has nothing to do with shows that fatherhood isn't a role he cares about particularly. I can't see that things are going to change after a decade like this; I doubt he would want change strongly enough for the effort it would take, and the current situation must be negatively affecting your child. I would suggest you split up - he can be made to pay child maintenance and you might well be better off financially. You could think of it as trial separation to give you a break and see how you both adjust. The difficulty will be getting him to leave - do you have anywhere you can go?

Re: Is it me??

PostPosted: Sun Dec 06, 2015 1:05 pm
by Mrconfused74
I agree, after so long change is unlikely, and if anything it will just get worse, I know it's sometimes difficult because you feel you won't cope with just one income and the children, but for your own and there sake you are better off splitting. Lots of people stay together for the children or because financially it's the best option, but eventually in a lot of cases you end up resenting each other and violence can be the end result. And as said its not good for the child. Ask him to leave, as he may well just be waiting for you to ask, if he has money he will be able to find somewhere to stay, and at least your kids won't have too much disruption. I know a woman i believe to be in a similar position, she stays with her partner not just for the financial security, although as in your situation he pays for very little, nor helps out too much, she has on a few occasions eluded to the fact that if she met someone rich it'd be much easier for her. You are the only one that can make the decision, but we are happy to give you advice.

Re: Is it me??

PostPosted: Sun Dec 06, 2015 8:29 pm
by Shan21
It was my partner that wanted a child,and in hindsight I shouldn't have made any decision as I was still grieving after my father had passed away. I never knew about his other child, who is now an adult, till after I conceived.Financially with the new house I am tied to him. I have left several times and I asked him to leave which lasted nearly 6 months. Each time he has begged to come back saying things will change. I think he may have an alcohol problem and I also think I may be in the role of an enabler.
I've protected my child from most of our arguing but inevitably it will effect him. Why did I stay, I guess I just kept hoping things would change, although I knew they probably wouldn't.
Thanks for your frank and honest replies, you have gave a lot to think about although I guess I knew all this but I just wanted it confirmed. Thanks again